Sex For Dummies
by C. LeShay
Summary: Ichigo and Rukia finally get engaged.Deciding that the two are too clueless for their own good, their friends decide to help prepare them for their muchanticipated wedding night.Beware of wellmeaning friends The sequel to My Third Daughter's First Date
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 – Through the Grapevine**

**Summary:** Ichigo and Rukia finally get engaged. Deciding that the two are too clueless for their own good, their friends decide to help prepare them for their much-anticipated wedding night.

Beware of well-meaning friends.

**Fiction Rating:** M for violence, potty mouth, and other 'stuff.'

**Characters:** Various characters from Karakura, soul society, conveniently placed random OOC (no, no Mary Sue here), and of course, Ichigo and Rukia. Aww.

**Disclaimer:** I OWN BLEACH! I have the bragging rights because I own bleach (men in white come in). Er… wait up guys, I'm in a middle of a fanfict here… What shot? I don't need a shot! Get away! Get Away! Get… zzzzzz.

Oh yeah, I also don't own the "For Dummies" book series; just to let you know.

**SPOILERS:** From hereon, everything has nothing to do with the present timeline and episodes of Bleach! Yeah, crack!

**WARNING: **I just said it: ABSOLUTE Crack! Oh yeah, and another VERY slow start.

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Chapter 1: Through The Grapevine 

It was a day that will long be remembered in Seretei's history. News travels fast in the land of the dead, and any gossip was treated like yesterday's laundry – thrown immediately to the person beside you. Aizen's defeat was the last big news that swept Soul Society, from the nobles to the lowest residents of Rukongai. That entire hullabaloo was several years ago and Soul Society needed something new to discuss.

This time it was that of an upcoming marriage.

Yes, the whole area was abuzz with the news that Soul Society's hero, the orange-haired substitute shinigami, Kurosaki Ichigo is currently in the middle of his talk with Kuchiki Byakuya Taicho for the hand of his younger sister, the Kuchiki princess and the fukutaicho of the 13th division, Rukia.

Everyone waited with baited breath at what the decision of the Kuchiki noble might be. Would he finally give in and allow his sister to marry one of the strongest and good-looking heroes that ever graced Soul Society? Or would Kurosaki Ichigo be sent home to the living world in a small box?

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At that exact moment, Kurosaki Ichigo was seated in front of the illustrious Kuchiki Byakuya. The captain had an unreadable expression on his regal and stunningly handsome visage.

Ichigo was feeling a twitch starting to persist on his leg. They have been seated here for almost an hour now and the noble was yet to say ANYTHING to him.

This was no social interaction between two mature individuals; this was psychological warfare.

"Will you be able to take care of Rukia?" The older man said at length. "Are you mature enough for marriage?"

"With all do respect, Kuchiki Taicho." Ichigo said evenly "I have been taking care of your sister since I was 15; surely I could do better twelve years later? Besides," Ichigo added, "I am now being considered for a junior position in Tokyo University's Institute of Medical Science, and my salary as a professor is more that enough."

"I thought you would go into…what was that word? Medical Practice? Isn't that what all doctors do?"

Nice try, thought Ichigo. "Going into medical practice would leave me with little time with my shinigami duties. Even if she is with Inoue, Ishida, or Chad, I would not let Rukia venture off alone without me." Sorry, Rukia… he thought hastily, imagining the outraged look on her face after issuing such a derogatory statement. It didn't help matters that Ichigo was aware that the said female shinigami was listening in the conversation outside the shoji doors. "Besides, going into research is more profitable, Kuchiki Taicho. I have enough savings to purchase Rukia our own home."

Oh yes, Kurosaki Ichigo, the youngest members of an elite research team in Tokyo University's Institute of Medical Science was a popular personality within the campus. His former professors were proud of his abilities, his superiors continued to raise his salary to prevent him from leaving Todai, his co-workers were enthusiastic to work with the brilliant researcher, and freshmen students swooned over their dashing professor whenever he appeared in his class.

"Hn." Was all that Byakuya said. "Are you sure about your feelings for Rukia?"

"With complete certainty."

"Marrying Rukia is nothing trivial, Kurosaki." Byakuya said quietly, though there was a definite edge to his voice. "This is nothing like common marriages. You are not only bound to her for the rest of your natural life, but –

"I know that, Kuchiki Taicho." Ichigo interrupted "I wouldn't have it any other way."

"If I see you take another woman –

"You have the permission to castrate me." Ichigo said solemnly, but there was a certain twinkle of humor in his amber eyes.

Ah yes, despite having matured considerably, there were still some – unfortunate – traces of the foolish and cocky adolescent ryoka that Byakuya once had the misfortune of ever meeting in the man in front of him. The captain wondered why was it that his sister fell completely for this disappointing individual when there were a lot of eligible bachelors from noble families who trooped to the Kuchiki manor regularly just to send their proposals of marriage.

Byakuya sighed inwardly. If only everything went according to what he envisioned, Rukia would have been married to a man who had influence and riches; lived in a sprawling mansion in Sereitei; and had several well-bred and polite children who knew how to properly address their elders and conduct themselves accordingly in social gatherings.

If Kurosaki felt uncomfortable about this meeting, he was able to hide it well.

"Kurosaki."

Ichigo looked straight at the Kuchiki head "Yes, Kuchiki Taicho?"

Byakuya Kuchiki stood up gracefully to Ichigo's chagrin and he turned around. "Consider the manor in Hongo as my wedding gift for Rukia."

Without a backward glance, Kukchiki Byakuya moved to leave before he said anything unsatisfactory.

It was too sudden for Ichigo to comprehend. He blinked several times. "Did he just…"

His train of thoughts was interrupted as a small blur that he realized was the eavesdropping Rukia hurled herself onto him, sending them sprawling across the room in a tumble of entwined limbs.

Byakuya's reiatsu flared noticeably.

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A servant ran out of the gates of the Kuchiki manor into the small crowd that stood waiting.

"Well?" Renji asked impatiently, tapping his feet in annoyance, "What did the Taicho say?"

"Let him take a breath, Renji." Matsumoto said to the red-haired Division 6 vice captain before turning to the gasping servant and shaking the poor boy thoroughly. "Spill it out now!"

"He…" The servant stuttered "Kuchiki-sama… he gave… a wedding gift… already…"

"So that means Icchi is going to marry midget, right?" Yachiru asked the vice president of the Shinigami Women's Association.

Nanao nodded. "That would definitely be it."

"Yahoo!" Ikaku said, jumping up. "Ichigo's in a good mood, that means I can ask for a spar!"

The other people who also waited a respectable distance off perked at the news. Immediately the crowd dispersed to pass the latest tidbit.

In less than an hour, the whole of Soul Society knew that Kurosaki Ichigo would be marrying Kuchiki Rukia.

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The engagement party was held in Hongo. Due to the insistence of the couple, there had been no bridal shower for Rukia and there would be no stag party for Ichigo. They decided to dispense of this tradition and just host a large, 'good kind' of party for their friends.

All of Ichigo's friends, even those who were from Soul Society headed to the large function room of the institute where Ichigo worked; for the celebration of the much-anticipated engagement of the year. Friends, students, superiors, and co-workers of the popular professor/researcher came along dressed in their best.

Though Yuzu brought some food with her, the research institute shouldered the expenses for the food and entertainment after the rumors spread about Kurosaki-sensei's fiancée looking into the idea of moving back to Karakura after their wedding reached their ears. As a result, the couple was surprised with such a lavish yet relaxed party that was from the Institute's financers. Due to the fact that they had many distinguished guests, Ichigo limited the number of people he invited from soul society to taichos and fukutaichos only, and he required them to wear a gigai.

They were introduced as the heads of a certain security agency where his fiancée works as an assistant to one of its supervising officers.

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"Honestly, it took them THIS long to skirt around the issue." Hisagi said as he took a sip of his sake.

"I think Ichigo was too much of an idiot." Scoffed Renji.

Both were busy checking out the female students and researchers who were mingling around to continue their conversation.

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Near the buffet table, the pink-haired fukutaicho of the 11th division was having the time of her life. "Yeah, cake!" Yachiru cried as she jumped up and down before gobbling up half of the chocolate cake. "Yummy, cake!" She said happily as she moved on to Yuzu's prized lemon silk pie. "Oh…" She drooled as she grabbed a large chunk off the vanilla and walnut cake. Suddenly, her eyes rounded as she spied some of the moist brownies.

A college student suddenly stepped behind her and tried to get a slice of a cake.

Yachiru immediately hissed "Lay off the cake, missy; they're MINE!" She then held up a bread knife and pointed it at the shocked girl's neck.

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On the other side, Kurosaki Karin was eating a mean submarine sandwich while conversing with the 10th Division taicho "So, you come to a party and bring paperwork? That's really ADMIRABLE of you."

Hitsugaya glared at the Kurosaki girl "It would be more ADMIRABLE if I had a fukutaicho who'd DO her share of work, instead of leaving it to me." He looked at Matsumoto who joined her regular drinking buddies and was chugging sake like water and laughing bawdily at some joke that Hisagi said. "I wish my fukutaicho was someone like Ise-san." He sighed enviously.

"Ahem."

Hitsugaya spun around. "Ise-san."

The fukutaicho of the 8th division was standing behind him, looking flushed and sweaty, as if she had run a great deal. She was even looking around her nervously as if afraid of being spotted.

"Hitsugaya Taicho; I couldn't help but overhear." Said the 8th division fukutaicho. "And I have to say," she said in a rush, "I would appreciate being transferred to YOUR department!"

Hitsugaya gaped at the sudden blessing "You mean it?" He asked eagerly like a kid told that Christmas would come twice a year. At the somber nod of Ise Nanao, he almost gave out a whoop of delight, before he caught Karin snickering.

He cleared his throat instead. "Shall I prepare the transfer papers then?"

"I'm afraid that's not possible, Hitsugaya Taicho." It was the cool drawl of Kyoraku Taicho, Ise Nanao's superior officer as he was suddenly beside Nanao, with an arm slung over her shoulder. "You see, I will never allow a transfer to take place."

"But…You can have Matsumoto!"

"Sorry kid." Kyoraku said, "I like my fukutaichos prickly and coldly aloof. You deserve Matsumoto." He added with a suggestive wink.

Hitsugaya turned red then purple with anger. "Did you just call me a kid?" he demanded.

Karin laughed. "Eh, Toushiro is acting all adult and stuff."

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"Bah. All of your facilities are trash."

"With all due respect, sir; Tokyo University's Institute of Medical Science has the best equipment in all of Japan and Asia."

"Oh?" the man sneered. "It doesn't take a genius to figure out that your department is WAY behind the advancements that MY department has. Tell him, Nemu, you worthless bitch."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama. We have the best facilities that anyone could ever see."

"My, my." A lazy drawl was heard. "It seems that the second-rate Mayuri-poo is still trying to gain respect in the field of science."

At the sight of the now-irate Mayuri-san, Ichigo's direct supervisor turned to the new comer. "A pleasant evening sir, and who may you be?"

A fan was opened and used vigorously. "Kawamura-sensei, Kurosaki-kun's mentor; it's a pleasure to meet you at last. Call me Urahara, good sir. And I'm just a simple perverted businessman."

"Bastard. What are you doing here?" The Taicho for the 12th division spat out in anger.

"What?" Urahara said, miffed, "Can't I see the man whose trying to surpass me and my former achievements?"

"AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

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"And I think it would have been for the best if we held a separate party for your co-workers and um... mine." Rukia said dryly as she inspected the bubbling chaos.

Somewhere across the room, Keigo was persuading – or harassing – female college students into going out on a date with him. As he was trying one pathetic pick-up line after the other ("So, did it hurt when you fell out of the sky?," "Is your dad a terrorist, because you're the BOMB!," and "You're like asthma, you know? Because you simply take my breath away.") he was met with amusing reactions that ranged from the cold shoulder to a downright resounding slap.

Mizuiro on the other hand was already charming Ichigo's older female co-workers. He retold stories about his stay in Todai with a flair and style that made even the snootiest woman warm up to him.

Ichigo sighed as he felt another headache building. "I'm just grateful we don't need to modify anyone's memory yet." He muttered as they spotted Inoue offering to 'spice up' the plate of a co-worker, unaware of the greenish tint to the said person's face as Inoue described what she'd add.

They also spotted Ukitake Taicho, the person Rukia was serving as the fukutaicho being caught in the middle of a tug of war between Unohana Taicho and a well-known doctor who Ichigo knew to be the University's leading authority on respiratory diseases. Both physicians were insisting, albeit politely, on whom should Ukitake accept medicine from. The poor taicho of the 13th division was doubled over in coughing while trying to excuse himself.

Suddenly there was a crash as Zaraki Taicho arrived. Flinging people and tables aside, he strode up purposely towards Ichigo and Rukia.

"Oh god, what now." Ichigo pleaded to the heavens.

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Several minutes later, Isshin found his son slumped against one of the tables as his fiancé held an ice pack to his swelling face. Trust Zaraki to get into a fight anytime, even during his engagement party. Despite being in a gigai, the bastard taicho was strong as an ox and he hit like one too. Ichigo felt like his head was mashed by a mallet repeatedly. It took the combined efforts of Renji, Hisagi, and himself to pry the bloodthirsty giant off Ichigo. A few well-placed words from a slightly slurring Kyoraku Taicho and a still-pale Ukiatke Taicho made Zaraki leave the younger man alone.

"Remind me to take Zaraki off the guest list." Ichigo told Rukia darkly. "That man can destroy any party in a heartbeat."

"Ohoho, Rukia-chan's co-workers are all so weird." Isshin said, siding near the couple.

At the sound of his father's voice, Ichigo stiffened even more. If Zaraki was the bane of all parties, then his father was the Armageddon of all festivities. "What are you doing here?"

"Kurosaki-dono –

"Rukia-chan, you're marrying my ungrateful spawn in two weeks, call me dad now. So you can practice."

"UM, sure… dad."

"Leave me alone, old man." Ichigo stressed out, not even sparing his father a glance.

Rukia, seeing as Ichigo was in dire pain (who wouldn't, after Zaraki Taicho beat you, anyway?) decided to get him something to relieve the pain. "I'll go get you some pain killers, okay? I'll be back soon. Do you want me to call OR –

"Just the pain killers." Ichigo immediately interrupted, preventing Rukia from accidentally exposing the abilities of Inoue. True, his father and Yuzu were now aware of his shinigami duties, but he didn't want anyone else finding out about him, Chad, Inoue, and Isshida. "I don't need a DOCTOR."

Nodding to reassure him, Rukia pressed her hand on Ichigo's cheek gently "Please watch over him… dad." She said awkwardly, as she left to get the medicine.

Isshin brightened up like a halogen lamp. "Rukia-chan called me dad! After a long time, my third daughter finally called me dad on her own."

"Shut it, or we'd be in deep shit when someone hears you." Admonished Ichigo, "Just let me be, will you."

Ignoring his son, Isshin took a seat and faced his first-born. The older man had a wide, shit-eating grin on his face that disturbed Ichigo.

"So… she just touched you on the cheek, is Rukia-chan shy of showing any sign of affection?"

"Shut it."

"Don't tell me, she's cold towards you!" Isshin said in a scandalous tone. "Boy, you better do anything to get her to forgive whatever it is you've done; I want grandkids and you very well can't produce any if you and Rukia don't have sex –

"Can it, bastard." Growled Ichigo. What was it with these jerks by the way? Everyone seemed keen on asking embarrassing questions about displaying affections and other mushy stuff. Just because he and Rukia weren't making out in public doesn't mean that their relationship was deteriorating or anything. Honestly, can't people just respect their privacy or something?

Isshin glared at his son for a while. "Do I detect frustration in your tone Ichigo? Is my dear third daughter withholding sexual favors? Is there trouble in paradise? No libido from being too stressed out at work? Can't get it up?"

It didn't escape Ichigo's notice that Isshin fairly asked the last question in a snickering tone. Oh god, why him? Why did he get such a pervert for a father?

"Do you mind not making me puke my dinner?"

"But…" stammered Isshin, "I thought you… and Rukia-chan…. did you and her… I mean, last month, when you two got back from Soul Society… deliriously happy… and quite late too… didn't the two of you…?"

What was his father expecting, that he tore off Rukia's clothing and made wild, loud, and passionate love to her in Soul Society? Where her brother – who is by the way, scary as hell – is? Ichigo was NOT stupid.

All they did was make-out for HOURS, of course.

At that dirty line of thinking, Ichigo buried his face in his arms to hide the red in his face.

"You HAVEN'T yet?" Isshin whispered in disbelief. My god, what kind of son did he raise? Isshin furrowed his brow in disapproval. Okay, maybe that stiff as a board brother of Rukia-chan was scary enough to curb one's libido, but Byakuya wasn't ALWAYS within his sister's sight, wasn't he? Naturally, the man had taicho duties to faithfully follow; there was no way he kept tabs on Rukia-chan 24-7, right?

Unless Kuchiki Byakuya was one of those people who can sense fluctuations in the reiatsu of people he considered important when they were within certain proximity. Of course, if that was the case, well Ichigo really COULDN'T since Byakuya would find out if his sister's reiatsu flares during such…um, exuberant moments.

And here was Isshin thinking that it was only him and Ichigo who had that kind of ability.

"My poor son…"

"I said, leave me alone, damn it!"

No wonder Ichigo looked so stressed.

As Rukia returned with a glass of water and some medicine, Isshin stood up dazed. He walked aimlessly as he was in such an upset state that he failed to hear Rukia call out to him. His poor son was in trouble. That Byakuya really was too much of a meanie. "I can't believe this." He moaned as he went off in search of his partner-in-crime, Urahara. Considering how he and his family have seen the relationship of those two clueless people, it only made sense that it took them a while to admit any feelings that they have for each other. If it wasn't for him and Urahara, it might have taken them YEARS to just go out on a date. "I have to do something to help him, the future of my grand kids are at stake." Squaring his shoulders, Isshin nodded to himself. "Yes, I have to help educate Ichigo and Rukia. What will those two do on their honeymoon anyway, play chess or catch hollows? Honestly, doesn't their school teach them Sex Ed?" With a snort, Isshin walked off quickly.

Had Isshin Kurosaki waited for a few seconds before he left, he would have heard a nearby large potted plant gasp in surprise at the revelation. Inoue Orihime had been behind the said plant, watering it with the champagne she couldn't finish. Out of politeness to the hosts, she decided to throw the drink away as it didn't go well with her palate.

Inoue's face was frowning in concentration as she heard Kurosaki-kun's father walk off. Her friends, Kurosaki-kun (she blushed slightly) and Kuchiki-san were having sexual problems that might hinder their wedding night. Oh dear, she didn't know that a doctor like Kurosaki-kun would have problems with sex; neither did she think that the much-older (though not looking like it) Kuchiki-san also had the same dilemma. Maybe, Kuchiki-san was scared… and maybe Kurosaki-kun didn't know how to explain it to her because he wasn't aware HOW to start things off too…

As their friend and a bridesmaid, it was her duty to help the couple. Yes, Inoue Orihime, at the still young, but not-so-tender age of 27 used her feminine intuition again to deduce the problems of her two friends. Fortunately, she had a lot of support from their network of friends. She HAD to tell Tatsuki about it, so they could formulate a plan. Of course, Kurosaki-kun and Kuchiki-san should not know about this pleasant surprise.

Inoue nodded to herself. She was such a good friend.

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"They WHAT?"

Tatsuki's reaction was not what Inoue expected. The smart aleck karate instructor and economist stood there with her jaw gaping open and her champagne flowing freely from her tilted champagne flute. The sparkly liquid soaked the carpet in a few seconds.

"Tatsuki?"

Finally, the brunette found her voice. "Are you 100 percent sure about this, Orihime? This is not a joke or something like that casserole you tried to include in the restaurant's new menu?"

"Tatsuki-chan, why do you think that I'm joking! We're dealing about the future children of Kurosaki-kun and Kuchiki-san here, this is no laughing matter!" Though her face was flushed and red, Inoue continued on. "Kurosaki-san is so worried about his son; I'm sure that Kurosaki-kun's sisters are also wishing for a young nephew or niece to spoil and pamper! This is a tragedy, if the eggs and the sperm –

"Ok, I got the point, Orihime." Tatsuki said, massaging the bridge of her nose at the new 'revelation' and wondering what to do with such information. How can this be? Ichigo and Kuchiki-san have been spending YEARS together already. Okay, so the two made it a point to always be seen in public and neither are they fans of PDA, but surely, in the privacy of SOMEWHERE – soul society perhaps – the two were intimate with each other.

"I think that Kuchiki-san's brother is to blame." Whispered Inoue. At her best friend's dubious look, Inoue nodded and continued on "I mean, its no secret that Kuchiki Taicho doesn't LIKE Kurosaki-kun –

"That's an understatement." Tatsuki said dryly.

"And Kuchiki Taicho does everything to make sure the two don't get to spend time alone. Remember back in Todai? Kurosaki-kun had to sleep in the guest room downstairs while Kuchiki-san had a suite on the second floor."

Tatsuki nodded. "Yeah, I mean if you ask me, the one he should have been worried about was Keigo. That pervert is any parent or older brother's worst nightmare."

"We should help them, Tatsuki-chan. We could surprise Kuchiki-san with a bridal shower – except that we'd tell her that it's NOT a bridal shower. Maybe, we can ask the boys to do the same too…"

"You would do that, Orihime?" It was an unspoken thing for them, not to mention Inoue's one-sided love for Ichigo. Though Tatsuki wanted nothing but the happiness of Orihime, she couldn't even think of Ichigo without Rukia. The two were too much wrapped in each other's presence that it physically hurt Tatsuki to even CONTEMPLATE breaking up the two for Orihime.

"Yes, Tatsuki-chan." Came her best friend's morose yet resolute tone.

You'd better be happy with Kuchiki Rukia, Ichigo. Thought Tatsuki.

Inuoe brightened. "Then we can help prepare Kuchiki-san about the painful, uncomfortable, horrifying, and scaring thing that is her wedding night!"

"Um, Orihime… I think we should ask the others – like Matsumoto for instance, on how we can help."

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"Hey, what is up with you, Arisawa?" Renji asked in annoyance as the woman blocked his view of a particularly lovely student who was standing near them.

"Conference call." Tatsuki said dryly as she grabbed Renji's arm with one hand and Hisagi's with the other. "Please follow us, Matsumoto-san." She said over her shoulder as she walked to a deserted alcove.

"What's this about?" Hisagi demanded.

"Start talking and I'll break your arm." Tatsuki warned.

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"Oh my god!" Gasped Matsumoto as she leaned against the wall to stay upright. She was trying to stifle the laughter that was erupting from her humongous chest after hearing the pitiful story from Tatsuki Arisawa.

After minutes of convincing them that she was serious, Tatsuki headed off immediately to look for other people to confide into. But it was not before she told them to attend the stag party and the bridal shower that she and Orihime wanted the two to have, preferably a few days before the wedding.

Apparently, they were supposed to bring something to 'educate' the clueless couple.

"This is probably the juiciest piece of gossip I have ever heard; ever since that bath house incident involving Nanao and Kyoraku Taicho." Matsumoto said as she shook with barely controlled laughter. "Can you imagine, one of the most popular and sought-after bachelors both in Soul Society and here, is a VIRGIN?"

Hisagi chuckled. "Well, apparently they haven't gotten past that stage."

"Oh this is RICH!" The well-endowed woman said. "I can't wait to tell Taicho!"

Renji shook his head as a smile was seen on his face. "Hmm… there's one good thing happening to Ichigo when this news spreads."

Matsumoto and Hisagi looked at him. "What?" They asked.

"Kuchiki Taicho won't kill him."

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"Nani?" Keigo almost cried out.

"Are you not jesting, Inoue-san?" Ishida asked.

Inoue frowned "Why do you doubt me?"

Beside them, Mizuiro and Chad just lapsed into silence.

"Ichigo needs our help!" Keigo said, raising his fist in the air.

Ishida shook his head. "Heaven help Kurosaki." Muttered Ishida as they all just looked at Keigo.

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Before the evening ended, everyone from Karakura and Soul Society has found out just how LESS about the facts of life Kurosaki Ichigo knew.

As the couple thanked the guests for coming, both could hardly keep still from noticing the various glances that they got from the guests.

"Well, don't worry much about it. It takes practice." Kyoraku Taicho said off-handedly, giving the two small and friendly smiles.

"Ne, see you two in two weeks then." Ukitake Taicho told them. "Hold on, till then, Ichigo-kun." He said to the perplexed substitute shinigami.

"Do not fret." Unohana Taicho whispered to Rukia, "Things are not as bad as they seem."

The others sent them looks that were either full of disbelief or pity.

"Fight on, Kurosaki-kun!" Inoue said cheerfully as Tatsuki dragged her away, looking down on the floor.

Keigo just nodded and placed a hand on Ichigo's shoulder. "Don't worry, my friend, things will turn out right with my help."

Ichigo looked at his fiancée, "Funny, you'd think that they attended an execution than an engagement party."

Suddenly, Kuchiki Byakuya stepped in front of them. He looked at Ichigo straight on. "Welcome to the Kuchiki clan." He said before he left in a swirl of expensive cloth and a fretful fukutaicho following him while giving Ichigo a certain glance full of pity.

Rukia looked at Ichigo. "It must be the champagne."

The two shrugged the incident off. But little do they know, that night was the herald of an impending disaster.

Oh, they should have known. Beware of well-meaning friends.

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A/N: Okay, so I got good feedback in the epilogue of My Third Daughter's First Date, which is why I decided to upload this chapter IMMEDIATELY. I hope to hear from those lovely people about this story, as this is mainly a very perverse, naughty, adult-content material, which is what WE all want.

Ok, I'm sorry about this, but I encountered computer problems just recently, and it may take a while for me to upload (say next week or so). I've always said that I was proud about My Third Daughter's First date because I finished it; I was not exaggerating people. The thing is, I think I may be jinxed. Because I'm NEVER able to finish and show a fic before. Something wrong often happens. If you read my profile, the first fic I finished (which was a Harry Potter one) went missing because it was written in a paper. The others get lost in the middle of writing. Yes, i am definitely afraid that my chapters 2 and 3 are casualties of my jinx. If anyone has another conspiracy theory about why I get this bad luck, hit me with them. Until then, I'm getting someone to fix my PC so I can update. Don't worry though, with luck, I was able to send chapter 2 to my beta. I just have to check my outbox.

So, more reviews, ne? And... this fic is NOT a serious How-To regarding sex, ok? I don't wanna get e-mails from people asking on where the tips are found (LOL)!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

**Summary: **Ichigo gritted his teeth as he took a piece of paper and a pen. "This better be worth your life, Renji. Because if not, I'm going to go Bankai all over your pathetic ass and feed you to the fishes."

"Not just mine, but your future spawns as well." Renji said seriously.

**Fiction Rating: **M for adult content that is very 'implied'

**Characters: **Ichigo, Rukia, and a whole lot of people.

**Disclaimer: **As if I own Bleach.

**SPOILERS: **A lot of things about Bleach, from SS to Arrancar Arc.

**WARNING: **A lot of crack, and despite what I said earlier, the adult-content is very much implied only. Sorry guys, there are no actual lemons in this fic.

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Chapter 2 – With friends like these, who needs enemies?

A few days before Rukia and Ichigo's wedding, the seeds of doubt that Isshin planted in his head now grew into a full-fledged tree, complete with a sturdy trunk, fluttering leaves, fruits, and the occasional unwanted termite.

The past week had been a stressful blur to the two as they went through the details of their wedding. Though Karin and Yuzu assisted Rukia, it was still very taxing to go through all of those many details. Naturally, even if Ichigo was fairly busy, he tried his best to assist his fiancée, who was by now – in his opinion – a few hours short of blowing a fuse. Despite her heated protests that she was 'fine,' Ichigo knew that Rukia was only hanging on a short thread as she slashed her 4-foot tall Chappy stuff toy with Sode no Shirayuki when the two were having a heated discussion about cake flavors. She wanted strawberry-flavored, he wanted the chocolate-walnut one instead.

The fight culminated with Rukia slamming the remaining chocolate-walnut cake over Ichigo's face in anger.

Hurrying to relieve Rukia from the stress, Ichigo immediately dragged her out to look for hollows. After an hour of bashing and slicing, his fiancée was soon back to normal. Afterwards, she was smiling happily back at the manor, not after asking him to buy her another chappy stuffed toy. His apparent concern for her well-being did not go unnoticed and her way of saying thank you soon led to a hot and heavy session of making out.

The two stumbled on to the large bed and Ichigo impatiently removed the covers aside. Giggling, Rukia kicked off her sandals and ran her toes up and down his covered leg before she hooked it behind one strong limb so she could pull him more towards her.

"You tease." Ichigo muttered appreciatively as she tugged his shirt from his slacks, in order to touch the planes of his stomach with her dainty palms.

Not to be outdone, he quickly unbuttoned her silk blouse with fumbling fingers. "Damn, too much buttons..."

"Screw the buttons..." she whispered against his mouth before running her tongue across his lips.

"I'm all-too-willing to comply." Ichigo said as he deftly tore the said blouse off to Rukia's bubbling laughter.

"Hey, I loved that blouse! That's my favorite." she said in mock-seriousness as Ichigo threw the damaged clothing to the floor in exuberance.

Ichigo spared a moment to glance at the scrap of silk in reverence, remembering how it clung to Rukia's curves like second skin, and how it showed off a hint of a modest cleavage with its deep neckline. In fact, the damned blouse was so distracting; he was almost unable to defend his preference for the chocolate-walnut cake. "So did I, but that had to go."

Rukia raked her fingernails through Ichigo's scalp "You better buy me a new blouse... Sensei." she whined, using her annoying 'teenage student' voice

"Only if you promise to be a naughty girl, Kuchiki." Ichigo replied in a tone that was eerily like an old pervert.

The Kuchiki noble shot her fiancee a cold glance, "You better not say that to your students!"

Ichigo laughed as he attempted to kiss her again. "Seriously, Rukia, I have never seen any student wear a schoolgirl uniform and make me go horny other than you."

"Is that so?" Rukia asked, breathless as Ichigo was now kissing the taut skin of her stomach. "I'll be sure to get a schoolgirl uniform next time. I promise to make it extra short…"

Who says good guys finish last?

Suddenly, while they were in the middle of a particularly 'interesting' activity (yes, Ichigo was just about to take off the all too-irritating and all too-snug pants that Rukia was wearing) when his phone rang. "Damn them all to hell!" He grumbled harshly, as he touched his forehead against hers. "Why is it, that THIS always happens whenever I TRY to –

"Just answer the phone, Ichigo. It could be an emergency. Rukia said lightly, though it was obvious that she was just as frustrated with the interruption as he was. Was it just her imagination, but did she and Ichigo become extra popular these days? For the past week, they have been receiving many calls from their friends, inquiring about their well-being. Aside from their former schoolmates, they also got calls and many messages from soul society. Heck, even her own Taicho kept on pestering her, asking if she was all right and if Ichigo was exhibiting a certain weird behavior.

When she asked what it was, Ukitake Taicho would just cough out loud, though Rukia could swear that she distinctly heard the words 'frustrated' or 'heated' quite often.

It wasn't even close to summer, why would Ichigo complain about the weather? It was September, for crying out loud! Maybe the frustration she can understand. After all, Ichigo often complained about the deplorable answers of his students during the exams. "Really Rukia," he complained "how can they NOT know this answer, I explained it in detail! No one was absent from my class since the term started, so how can they say that I haven't taught it yet?"

Honestly, she was frustrated too. Because every time she and Ichigo were in the middle of something IMPORTANT, the damned phone ALWAYS rang! The orange-haired substitute shinigami often complained that if it didn't stop, he would have to konso someone.

Take last week, for example, they planned everything. From the romantic dinner to the quiet stroll home, both of them anticipating and slightly feeling nervous about getting home. They were already in Rukia's bedroom (yes, they stay in separate rooms even now that they are engaged, as per Kuchiki Taicho's order… er… request) and were already in the middle of their making-out, Ichigo was planning on taking it a step further, when they were interrupted by a phone call from Ishida who wanted to go through the last few details of the bride's gown.

After shouting at the Quincy to call back when it was a goddamn morning (ignoring the other's confused query on why was ichigo the one answering the phone that was located in Rukia's bedroom), they were then interrupted by the arrival of Inoue, Tatsuki, Karin, and Yuzu who came for an overnight visit to 'see' Rukia.

After seeing the flushed face of the two, the visitors gave them pitying glances that should have been welcome except that Ichigo really was pissed off. What got them even more confused was the fact that their guests were mumbling 'sorry' over and over again. True, they didn't take too kindly with the interruption, but it wasn't like they required them to commit hara kiri.

Now, it seemed that everything was going to end up just like before. Angrily, Ichigo grabbed his cell phone. "What?" He all but barked.

"I know you're busy with color-coding your lessons and all," Came the annoying voice of Renji. "But just listen well and take notes. We'll be meeting up for dinner ok, so be there by 7 in the evening."

"For what?"

"Just get a friggin' piece of paper, you idiot!" Shouted Renji over the phone.

Ichigo gritted his teeth as he took a piece of paper and a pen. "This better be worth your life, Renji. Because if not, I'm going to go Bankai all over your pathetic ass and feed you to the fishes."

"Not just mine, but your future spawns as well." Renji said seriously.

WTF? "Whatever. So, what now?"

"Write down whatever I say and meet us there tomorrow at 7pm."

"Mind telling me why, Abarai fukutaicho?"

"Do you have to ask Kurosaki?" Renji said in annoyance. "Remember, be there or face the consequences and eternal humiliation of which the whole of Soul Society will be aware of."

Sometimes, Ichigo did wonder if all those times Renji spent with Kuchiki Byakuya bought about his rapid descent into madness. But that wasn't his problem, he was a doctor, a researcher, a professor; not some goddamn shrink. If Renji wanted to go nuts, who was he to stop it anyway?

A few minutes later, Ichigo closed his phone.

"Why did Renji call you?" Demanded Rukia, curious.

"Seriously, I have no idea." Ichigo said in confusion. "He just wanted to meet up with me for dinner. Any idea why?" he asked his fiancée. "Maybe Byakuya planned on making Renji kill me so I couldn't marry you."

Rukia gave him a stern glare. "Are you implying something about my brother?"

"Sorry, I can't help it." Apologized Ichigio, "I mean he was really weird during the engagement party."

"So were the rest of the guests."

Suddenly, Ichigo gave her a leering sort of smile, "So… where were we?" He asked as he scooted back beside her. He went closer so that he was facing her directly. Softly, he pressed his lips on hers and he shifted so his body covered hers. Bracing himself on his forearms, Ichigo made sure that he wasn't crushing her with his weight. Slowly, he brought his mouth down to explore the smooth skin of neck. "In a few days," he whispered against her, heating her skin with his warm breath "you'll be Kurosaki Rukia."

Rukia buried her fingers in the lushness of his orange-hair, reveling in the feel of them against her fingers. "Kurosaki Rukia… I… ah… like the sound of… OH… that…" She moaned as Ichigo nipped a particularly sensitive part of her neck.

"Definitely," chuckled Ichigo as he slowly slid the straps of her bra. "I would definitely love hearing that too, anywhere… in soul society… in Hongo…even in Karakura…especially in the hospital nursery, in the local preschool. Will we have kids, Rukia? Two kids, a boy and a girl perhaps? Maybe twins too?"

Rukia gasped as she felt Ichigo's mouth on her breast. She really couldn't concentrate, couldn't think not now when he was using that mouth of his for something other than talking. Nonverbal stuff… "I think… three…MORE." She cried softly as she felt his tongue do things that made her forget even about this conversation.

"More kids?" He teased, stopping. Knowing that his fiancée would be sorely disappointed with him stopping. "Five kids then, for a basketball team…"

"That is NOT what I meant, strawberry." Rukia gritted out as she tugged at his hair.

Suddenly, the phone rang again; this time, it was Rukia's.

"Oh come on!" Shouted Ichigo in frustration as Rukia quickly shoved him off her.

She gave him a look that could have curdled milk as she hurriedly righted her bra and pulling the covers around her. "If this is a hollow –

"Like when did a hollow appear around this time? If I remember correctly, the hollows have become extra considerate these days, not appearing after 9pm. Since the party, the only people who have been very INCONSIDERATE are our friends, your fellow shinigami, and my family! How can that BE a hollow then?"

"Oh shut up, it's an unlisted number." She said as she answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Kuchiki-san…"

Rukia frowned, "Inoue?"

Beside her, Ichigo banged his head against the pillows repeatedly. "I told you SO!" He almost shouted in annoyance. "Say goodbye to Inoue and put the damn phone down, Rukia!"

"Um, Kuchiki-san, was that…Kurosaki-kun?"

Rukia closed her eyes briefly. "Yes, Inoue."

"What is wrong with him?"

"He is merely disappointed, annoyed, frustrated…" Rukia ground out, hoping that Inoue would get the hint.

For her part, Inoue Orihime was surprised and embarrassed. But not for the reasons Rukia though she should be.

Oh my god, Inoue thought in mortification. She called at a time where Kurosaki-kun was attempting SOMETHING with Kuchiki-san. No wonder he sounded so frustrated. The poor Kurosaki-kun was trying to take their relationship a step further and he was unable to!

Now, Kurosaki-kun was definitely aware that she was aware that he was unaware about how sex went!

As far as friendships went, one had to draw the line, and Inoue knew she did the unthinkable by crossing an invisible boundary with Kurosaki-kun by calling on one of his 'attempts.'

"Inoue." Rukia said impatiently, wanting to end the conversation so she could go back to an impatient strawberry that was now alternating between glaring at her and tracing patterns on her back.

"Ah, well… ah, Kuchiki-san, can you join us girls out for dinner tomorrow?" Inoue asked in a rush. "I'll be cooking something, so can you go to my home tomorrow evening around 7?"

"What's the occasion?"

Inoue paused. "Nothing much except that it is full moon tomorrow night, I thought we could have a party to commemorate the beauty of the full moon."

Rukia was also aware that people were crazier during the full moon. Was Inoue exhibiting an advanced insanity? "Um… Sure, I guess."

"Wonderful!" Inoue cried out happily. "I'll see you then, Kuchiki-san… and um… I'm sorry about Kurosaki-kun."

As Rukia placed down the phone, Ichigo saw that she had a bewildered look on her face. "What's wrong? Was there a problem that Inoue called you?"

"She said sorry…"

"She should be." Ichigo said angrily "I mean, for her calling you at such a goddamn hour is going beyond the bounds of friendship –

"She said… I'm sorry about Kurosaki-kun…"

Ichigo sat up. "What the hell was that about? What's supposed to be wrong with me?"

Rukia shrugged before letting the covers slide from her shoulders. "Does it matter?" She asked coyly.

"Definitely not." Ichigo said, a bit out of breath as his fiancée slowly shrugged off her bra. Slowly, he let his hand trace the smooth contours of her face before he proceeded to open the button of her pants. "You know, I like it better when you wear a dress." He complained ruefully as he encountered difficulty in unzipping the offending jeans.

Fortunately, his shirt was already discarded and Rukia was able to run her hands over his lean chest and shoulders. "But skinny jeans are supposed to be sexy, Ichigo." She teased as she pulled him closer so she could run her tongue against his ear. It was a move that she discovered made the usually stubborn and willed Ichigo into putty. Softly, she blew into his ear and tugged at the lobe with her teeth gently, causing her fiancée to let out a harsh groan, making his hands skim her denim-clad thighs before he pulled the fabric off her quickly.

"Don't you like it, Ichigo?" she asked innocently as she too pulled at his belt hurriedly, removing it and throwing it on the floor. It fell with a muted sound on the carpet

"Oh god, I love it." He said against her mouth hoarsely as he kissed her mouth deeply.

Without a second's hesitation, Rukia opened her mouth so he could get better access into it. In response, he slanted his mouth over hers and let his tongue dip and touch hers. He stroked it with the same languid pace that Rukia was doing while she drew random circles on his back.

The phone rang again. Rukia, the ever serious shinigami, quickly tore her mouth off Ichigo's.

"Don't you dare!" Ichigo warned as he grabbed and pinned the petite shinigami beneath him, "I'm sure that it's just Tatsuki or something."

"But…" Rukia said as she grabbed the phone to take a look at it while Ichigo continued to kiss and nuzzle her neck. "Ichigo."

At that serious tone, Ichigo stopped. "Please," he almost begged. "Don't tell me…"

"Yes, it IS a hollow."

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It was a wonder for many of the students why Kurosaki-sensei was such in a foul mood. The normally cool and laid-back doctor was uncharacteristically frowning as if his life depended on it. Instead of being considerate to those who got a low score on the test, he lashed out by telling them to quit fooling around and concentrate on studying. One of the girls who had a crush on him tried to give him his favorite chocolates, but he just gave her the cold shoulder.

The girl was left almost in tears.

"It must be stress." One of the students whispered.

"I heard that his fiancée's brother didn't like him." Said another.

"Well, I heard that her brother wanted her to marry someone as rich as they are. You know that the house they're staying on was from his fiancée's brother?"

Another girl joined the conversation. "Well, I've heard from Sayo-san – who attended Kurosaki-sensei's party – that Kuchiki-san's brother is an absolute hottie! He had long hair and piercing dark eyes. Very sensual and powerful-looking too."

The girls repressed a loud squeal. "Really?"

"What are you girls muttering about in MY class?" Came the livid voice of Kurosaki-sensei. "Spit it out."

"Um…" one of them said nervously. "err… we're talking about the brother of your fiancée…"

"Oh?"

The other girl looked at him. "Is he handsome sensei?"

"Does he have a girlfriend?"

Ichigo glared the two girls. "You're not his type. Now focus on the chapter, because I'm giving a quiz before the end of the class."

One guy who was sitting a good distance away felt it safe to say something to his seatmate. "I bet you anything, sensei didn't get any last night."

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By half past five, Ichigo felt like he ran through Soul Society and back. He had to dash from class to staff meetings at the research institute several times just to finish a mountain of paperwork. The cricks on his neck were practically screaming at him to stop and relax. Sighing, Ichigo leaned back on his chair.

Well at least he had two weeks worth of vacation to look forward to when he and Rukia left for their honeymoon. At least he'll get a decent amount of rest somewhere peaceful and quiet. No paperwork, no lectures, no writing of exams, no researching or meeting with financial backers, even no hollows (he and Rukia were given a two-week reprieve from their shinigami duties by Yamamoto Sou-Taicho). Finally, time alone for him and Rukia… time alone… just him… and… Rukia…alone… (Yes, Ichigo now has that really perverted smirk that could put Keigo to shame)

The best part of it was … no Byakuya sending servants to follow him and Rukia anymore… Ah yes, the prospect of bliss and happiness, two-weeks of fun, pleasure, and many, MANY naughty things…

In wordless delight, he scribbled something in his notes before he decided to head off to the place Renji told him to go to. As he fixed his things, Ichigo failed to notice several female students of his enter the faculty office.

"Kurosaki-sensei?" A voice called out.

Ichigo turned to face some of his students. "Yes?" he asked, frowning slightly.

"Um…" the girl, who was obviously the spokeswoman said nervously, trailing. "Well…"

"I hope you don't mind girls, but I have to go someplace." Ichigo said, as he went back to fixing his things.

"Sensei!" The girl cried "We just wanted to congratulate you on your upcoming marriage!" Then to Ichigo's surprise, he was given several packages of chocolate.

"Is it customary to give chocolates to the would-be groom?"

The spokesperson blushed. "Well… chocolates are your favorite, sensei… so we decided to…"

Ichigo gave them a small smile.

The girls suddenly turned red, and to his growing confusion, most of them sighed.

"Yo! I-Chi-Go!" Keigo's voice boomed. Suddenly, he stopped as he took in the sight of more than 12 female students swarming around his friend. "What's this? You're getting married in two days and you're still flirting with girls?"

"SHUT IT, Keigo." Warned Ichigo. "Yo, Chad, Ishida."

Chad raised a hand in greeting while Ishida just looked at him.

"What are you guys here for?" He asked them while his students handed him chocolates one by one.

"To bring you to your stag party of course!" Keigo cried, raising an eyebrow at his friend's 'slow' uptake.

The girls all promptly squealed. "Are you going to get plastered, Kurosaki-sensei?" One asked.

"Will there be a stripper?" Another asked.

"Will there be many guys there?"

"Dimwit, naturally, all of sensei's guy friends will be there."

"Will Kuchiki-san's brother be there?"

"Is somebody gonna get laid?"

"What?" Ichigo spat out; honestly, kids these days are too blasé with such things.

A student whipped out a small digital camera. "Will there be any guy-to-guy action, sensei?"

The girls squealed again. "I'll bet Kuchiki-san's brother and her dreamy boss –

"Okay, that's IT!" Ichigo roared, standing up. He was very aware that the other teachers were listening in on the indecent conversation (Was that Kirihara-sensei snickering in the corner? Why was Okada-sensei blushing like mad?). "Girls…please. Just stop. The images are just… disturbing."

Suddenly, one of the girls spotted Ishida. "OMG! OMG, is that Ishida-sama? Ishida Uryuu?"

The last Quincy pushed his spectacles further up the bridge of his nose.

"You girls know Ishida?" Ichigo asked in confusion. Well, as far as he knew, the stuck-up Quincy was very anti-social. So how was it that girls know about him?

"Who doesn't!" The girl beside him breathed. "He's the fashion god of brides all over Japan! Every girl dreams of getting married in an Ishida Uryuu creation…"

Another girl turned to Ichigo with surprise in her eyes, "Ne, Sensei, don't tell me, Ishida-sama made your fiancée's wedding gown?"

"Naturally." Ishida replied, with just a little hint of appreciative pride in his voice. "Kuchiki-san and I have been friends since in junior high. As she has great tastes in clothing, I see no reason not to indulge her with a design of mine as a present." The Quincy threw a disgusted look at Ichigo "Although sometimes I wonder if her tastes really are deplorable, considering she would be marrying a Neanderthal scum."

"Take it back, you damn pansy!" Hissed Ichigo as he glared at the students who were now cooing at him and Ishida. Ugh, it was just disturbing! One was – one was even snapping some pictures of them!

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The ride to his so-called stag party was something Ichigo did not know what to call.

First, the guys insisted on keeping him blindfolded while they drove around the area in circles; Two, Keigo was muttering something about how they planned and plotted to make sure that everything goes according to plan; and Three, after the blindfold was removed, Ichigo blinked to see an old warehouse that was similar to the one he was in when he was training with the Vaizards. It also didn't take a genius to realize that there was also a barrier around the said warehouse.

"You guys do realize that Rukia will come looking for me if I don't get home, right?" Ichigo said, suspiciously as Chad brought out some rope and started tying him up and reinforcing them with an amulet that as Ishida explained, made it difficult for a shinigami to use reiatsu.

"All you need to do is to shut up and just let us do the work." Ishida explained.

Frowning, Ichigo said heatedly, "And WHAT exactly do you guys plan on doing, anyway?"

"Sorry, Ichigo." Keigo said. "Our lips are sealed."

Without another word, Ichigo was dragged inside.

No way. He thought in complete surprise. Aside from Mizuiro and Renji, the Captains and Vice Captains of Soul Society's Gotei 13 were present. They all stood by a table laden with food and was casually making some conversation while some lounged on several of the sofas and tatami mats that were available. Each carried some sort of package that varied greatly in size and density.

There was a stuffed chair in the middle of the room and there was a large white screen across the length of the wide wall. On it, Ichigo could read: Welcome to Kurosaki Ichigo's Stag Party, courtesy of the projector across it.

Without a word, Ichigo was led to the chair as the conversation halted immediately. "So…" he asked. "What brings you guys here?"

Renji looked at him as if he was crazy. "Didn't Keigo tell you? This is a stag party."

"Well excuse me for doubting, as I have seen more festive funerals than this." Ichigo gritted out. "The fact that I was bought here bound and blindfolded would only signify that I'm overacting."

Everyone looked at each other.

Ukitake was pushed forward. "The thing is… since you'll be married in two days, we wanted to have our last… erm… manly get-together. You know, before you're married and stuff – not being single, I mean…"

"Ukitake Taicho." Ichigo said dryly, "You just gave a textbook meaning to the term stag party, but that does not answer why I am HERE tied up like a common criminal or a pig."

"Yare, Ichigo." Came the voice of Shunsui Kyoraku. "We're here to offer you advice."

"Last I looked, the only one who is or was married was Byakuya Taicho. What do you guys possibly KNOW about marriage?"

Everyone looked uncomfortable again; even Keigo for that matter.

"Kurosaki Ichigo." Yamamoto Sou-Taicho said, "It came to our knowledge that your father, Kurosaki Isshin, a former shinigami captain –

"My father was a former shinigami Captain?" Ichigo asked incredulously. "What?"

No way, there was absolutely no FUCKING way in hell was Kurosakin Isshin, idiot father, weirdo, and doctor is a shinigami – or was. Whatever.

Ichigo was tempted to think that it was a joke that everyone wanted to give him, so he just looked at everyone and said "Nice try, but there is no way that my old man was a former shinigami."

"Oh he was, Kurosaki Ichigo." Yamamoto Sou-Taicho said. "The man you call your father was formerly the Taicho of the 9th division. Despite his many… flaws –

"That's an understatement." Muttered Ukitake Taicho as he stifled a laugh. "He often pranked a lot of people with the help of Urahara Kisuke."

"- I can asure you that he was a decent and powerful shinigami. When he disappeared one time and was not found, we assumed him killed in action. It was beyond us to think that he lived as a human, became a doctor, and married a human."

Floored, Ichigo remained silent, as he was still unable to comprehend just HOW it was possible. True, his father was strong and had the stamina of a workhorse, but …

If his father was a shinigami, how was it that he failed to save his wife, the mother of his children from the grand fisher? He had got to be weak not to notice its reiatsu or he was just unconcerned.

"Yare, Ichigo." Kyoraku Taicho said, seeing the play of emotions on the substitute shinigami's face. "Urahara explained that it was his gigai that blocked your father from using any power." At the surprised reaction from the man, Kyoraku continued. "Your father had reasons to want a life as a human and that involved risks and sacrifices. His abilities and knowledge as a shinigami was the sacrificial lamb so he could live and grow old with his family."

"If he were to leave the gigai at any point earlier than what was required, he would have been traced by Soul Society." Ukitake Taicho added. "Of all of you, it was your father who suffered the most when you mother died. He couldn't do anything because it might mean losing his children as well."

Ichigo just looked at the floor as he felt his eyes burn with moisture. "Why didn't he tell me…I mean, I could have understood it…"

"You have your secrets and he had his." Kyoraku said simply. "You probably were too young for such a knowledge and it would burden you even more."

"Does that mean he knew? About me and…" Asked Ichigo as a certain idea flashed in his mind.

Ukitake nodded. "It is possible that he knew about you and Kuchiki Rukia being shinigamis right from the start."

"But…" Ichigo stuttered, "He's a weirdo!"

"News flash Ichigo." Zaraki Taicho snorted, "Everyone in soul society IS a weirdo."

"I beg to disagree!" Mayuri Taicho said loudly, outraged to be lumped as a weirdo.

Many looked at the Taicho of the 12th division incredulously, with a look of 'Hello, like you're not the biggest weirdo in the Gotei 13?' on their faces.

"But he's an idiot!" Countered Ichigo.

"Did you take a look at my subordinates?" Zaraki Taicho said, glancing darkly at his 3rd and 5th seats.

"I'm not an idiot, Taicho!" Ikaku shouted at the same time Yumichika said, "I'm too beautiful to be an idiot."

"Well, he's a PERVERT! A big pervert!"

Renji immediately pulled Hisagi up front. "So is he, but that doesn't stop him from being a fukutaicho."

"Watch it, Abarai." Grumbled Hisagi.

"But…but…I don't believe it really, its too weird to be true."

"I thought he was stupid, but even I shortchanged myself." Zaraki muttered, looking at the would-be groom in disgust.

Glaring at the blood-thirsty Taicho, Ichigo scoffed, "You did all of this just to tell me that my old man was a former shinigami? You guys could have just sent me a note or something!"

"As I was saying," continued Yamamoto, obviously tired of the pointless conversation. "Your father told us that you had a certain PROBLEM regarding your intimate relationship with a certain noble member of the Kuchiki clan."

"W-w- who?" Spluttered Ichigo. "What the hell are you talking about?" He looked at Kuchiki Byakuya in horror. "NO!"

"No?"

"I mean that's just gross! He's a guy!"

Yamamoto sighed in annoyance as the other guys groaned in frustration. Byakuya on the other hand simply looked… well, he's an ICE BLOCK, what do you expect?

"Not that noble." Ukitake said, though he was trying to suppress his laughter. "Rukia-chan, Ichigo."

Ichigo looked relieved. "Oh…"

"Well?"

"Um…"Ichigo said slowly, thinking about what to reply. Byakuya was looking at him suspiciously and he just knew that Rukia's older brother was just ITCHING to slice him with Zenbonsakura… "Yeah, a bit –

"There." Yamamoto said. "That is the reason why we're here. To help you with that."

Huh? Ichigo was confused as to how they thought that tying him would fix the problem. They're the ones who caused the problem anyway! Maybe he should get a Soul Society equivalent of a restraining order and sic it on them until he got married.

"We," continued the Sou-Taicho. "Are here to tell you everything there is about sex."

"WHAT?"

"So that you won't embarrass yourself on your wedding night." Shunsui said, smiling like an indulgent parent.

"HUH?"

"Gomen, Ichigo." Keigo said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I didn't know that you had difficulties here. I didn't peg you as the type to remain a virgin until you're 27."

"WHAT!"

A/N: Hehe, ok so here is the second part of Sex for Dummies. Hope you guys like it. I want to thank those people who expressed interest in this story; I hope this is to your liking. I tried to include all the formula that made My Third Daughter's First Date a success, and I added some new elements; unfortunately, I'm still not sure how it would go.

On a different note, please excuse the lack of actual lemon in this fic; I know its rated M, but that's not just used when you write lemons. I really don't recommend this for those who are still green about the birds and the bees, since despite the title, this is NOT a guide book of sorts, ok? Don't blame me if you end up embarrassing yourself, so just listen to your teacher in sex Ed, please! Just to make it clear… This fic discusses/will be discussing things that I would not let my baby brother (yes, he's still naive and innocent, I hope) read this 'til he turns… 30?

No MOM, this is not a porno guide!

Anyway, enjoy and I hope you guys can wait for the next chapter; it's gonna take a bit long, believe me. But yeah, patience is the key for gratification, as someone once told me. Of course, you may not want to believe it, like I did. Since the pervert had his hand on MY knee at the time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – Ichigo's Lessons in Life**

**Summary: **"Geez Kuchiki, you mean start sex by giving a woman a letter of formal invitation?" Zaraki grumbled, "I'm just saying that Ichigo should just grab her and throw her on the bed. Don't tell me he ought to send you a hell butterfly and say 'Permission to screw your sister, Kuchiki Taicho' and wait 'til you give a reply?"

**Fiction Rating: **M for mature content.

**Characters: **Ichigo and a whole lot of guys from Soul Society and Karakura

**Disclaimer: ** If you think I own Bleach, tell me so; I'll PM you a good shrink. You'll love the meds they have!

**SPOILERS: **Everything about Bleach (at least of what I'm aware of) is spoiled.

**WARNING: **Crack, crack, and more crack! Oh yeah, and there's a couple of OOC moments, but I just couldn't take them out, so bear with them ok? BTW, I've never been to a stag party before, so please, no flames about how this fic is going, ok?

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Okay, so this was not what Ichigo expected his stag party to be. "Um…" he asked hesitantly as the others gathered around him. "From whom did you get this information?"

"We cannot give out our secrets." Renji said simply as he checked if Ichigo was still held by ropes. The others suddenly pulled out a podium and placed it in front of him.

"WHO?" Gritted out Ichigo. He was going to personally make that bastard's life a living hell.

Keigo glanced at him. "It was Inoue-san!"

Inoue? Ichigo thought in surprise. No way.

"And even Arisawa-san too." Mizuiro added.

Ah, now the equation had balance. It was probably Tatsuki, who… wait! Ichigo furrowed his brow in concentration… didn't Rukia mention something about a dinner with Inoue at her house? Oh god, she was in for a terrible evening.

"I think they heard it from your father." Chad volunteered, seeing the murderous expression on Ichigo's face.

Obviously. Where there was trouble, Kurosaki Isshin was the idiot behind it.

"Guys," he protested weakly, "I really don't think you should all go through the trouble…

"Nah, it's cool." Keigo said happily as he poured some drinks to set it on the table.

"No, REALLY." Insisted Ichigo. "I'm okay guys, you don't have to –

"And just how do you expect to have little Kurosakis running around your home, eh?" Kyoraku Taicho asked, ignoring the twitching of Ichigo and Hitsugays's ears (we know Ichigo is VERY uncomfortable about the topic of offsprings and grandkids, while the 10th division Taicho was obviously uncomfortable with any adjective that was similar to 'small') "Sure, instincts are important, but there are times where technical skill and knowledge is a plus."

Oh god, this was mortifying. To his credit, Ichigo was able to keep his blushing to a minimum and he was still holding on to his dignity as the said Taicho discussed the advantages of being a 'learned' man.

"Speaking of which," Ukitake said, "Are you guys sure that Shiro-bro should be here? I mean - he's just a kid."

"You just had to say it, didn't you, Ukitake Taicho." Hitsugaya gritted out.

"Oh yeah," Zaraki seconded, "Kids shouldn't be here; go take a nap or something, boy."

Suddenly, they felt the temperature in the room drop by several degrees.

"Maa, I think Hitsugaya Taicho can handle this." Renji interrupted, "We should let him stay."

"Yeah, the Taicho's man enough to handle it." Said Hisagi, "Who knows, he can help Ichigo too."

"I. Don't. Need. Help!" Came the angry voice of the substitute shinigami.

Kyoraku smiled indulgently. "Hmmm… Maybe we should, after all, Hitsugaya is the Taicho of Matsumoto, and he's bound to have learned SOMETHING."

A blast of ice flew towards the pink-wearing Taicho. Fortunately, he was able to side step it, and the shard impaled the chair where he was previously occupied. "And what do you mean by THAT?" Hitsugaya said in a deathly serious voice.

"Okay then;" The self-proclaimed 'host' of the event, Renji, said loudly as he held up a small wooden bowl. "The name I pick out from here will be the first to give Ichigo his gift, present, advice, or lecture." There was a resounding cheer as Renji dug into the pile of written names. After a while, he pulled out a white scrap of paper. "Listen up guys! The first one to go on the hotseat is… Ishida Uryuu."

Ichigo braced himself for disaster. Knowing Ishida, whatever it is that he planned is definitely something that was no good.

Clearing his throat, Ishida pulled the microphone closer as he took out his notes. "Fine then, Kurosaki, pay attention.

"Sex… What is sex? The myth of such surrounds the tale of the stork bringing babies that grows on trees somewhere is what children are initially taught of by their parents during the awkward stage of growth and development." Ishida said in a calm and modulated voice. "For children, sex is an unknown territory and its ignorance is brought about by the unfair propaganda of sex as being immoral, unhealthy, and downright perverse."

"Oh come on, Ishida, do you have to do something like that?" Groaned Keigo.

"This sounds like a lecture." Kyoraku Taichio muttered.

"As of today, countless children are being blinded by the wrong information that is disseminated at home. This level of ignorance has caused many of the youth…

"Will you cut the commentary out!" Zaraki Taicho growled

"… and even those who are adults today to still refer to their sexual organ as inanimate objects? Like the flower and the bee for instance, as well as giving them names…

"You mean it ISN'T?"

Everyone turned to look at the last person they expected to hear it from – Mayuri Taicho. "You mean…I can't call it Mr. Pecker anymore?"

Ichigo grimaced. "Okaaay… now THAT is definitely disturbing."

"- Such is the example of what I am talking about." Ishida said smugly as he avoided the look of outrage from the head of Soul Society's research division. "How can we expect order in a society where the people with high positions are completely clueless about basic things like sex and procreation?

"Can we just get on to the good part of a stag party?" Hisagi fukutaicho complained. "Get the nerd out of here!"

"Yeah, he's a plain libido killer." Iba fukutaicho snorted as he took a sip of his sake again.

Near them, Ikaku chucked an empty plastic bottle at the stage yelling "BOO!" amidst Yumichika's complains of such an un-beautiful way of holding a stag party.

Suddenly, Ishida was booted off the stage by Renji. "Ok… sorry about that Ichigo." He cleared his throat. "So, the next person is… Kyoraku Taicho!" Renji smiled happily. "Oi, this is a good one Ichigo; you better listen well, since Kyoraku Taicho gets laid frequently!"

Slumped on his seat, Ichigo just glared at the loud, red-headed fukutaicho.

"Kurosaki-kun…" Kyoraku Taicho said as he took the microphone. "Before you attempt anything, make sure that the lady of your life – or herein we refer to as Rukia-chan – is relaxed. Many women who make love for the first time are generally nervous about the experience. I am even certain that she will be filled with images that will haunt her. Therefore, make certain that she is comforted and calm; sake might work, or any liquor. Also, remember that a woman is like a Sakura tree –

"Will this be ANOTHER analogy?" Whined Keigo. "We gotta get the good stuff! Come on. We need some hardcore tips here!"

The laid-back 8th division Taicho gave Keigo a level look. "Young man, understand that if you act that way, you will never – what was that word again? Ah yes, score with women. No lady would want a man with the finesse of a boar, rutting away with no second thought of her pleasure." As Keigo looked sheepish, Kyoraku continued. "To pleasure a woman is like waiting for a Sakura tree to bloom, Kurosaki-kun. Build the tension as would the tree hold all of its blossoms, hoarding it and keeping tight reign on it. When she reaches the peak," at this point, the Taicho looked at Ichigo with his eyebrows raised suggestively, "prepare yourself to witness an explosive display of passion and exuberance. Remember that it is during its last moments in ecstasy does a woman always look her most vibrant and appealing."

The older men in the room all nodded their agreement, while the younger ones looked just plain confused.

"Wonderful advice isn't it, eh Ichigo?" Renji asked as Kyoraku Taicho stepped down amidst applauses and catcalls.

"Tell me, Kyoraku Taicho, did you really have to use a Sakura to prove your point?" Came the frosty tone of the Kuchiki nobleman.

Everyone turned to face the calm-looking Taicho from the 6th division. Yes, Kuchiki Byakuya's zanpakutō was named Senbonzakura. Obviously, the man wasn't too fond of the other Taicho's methods of explaining sexual metaphors to his sister's fiancée with something that he is affiliated with.

"Heh." Zaraki Taicho scoffed. "Knew yer such a girly, Kuchiki. Apparently your own zanpakutō is one too."

"And apparently, being a REAL man means wallowing in sweat and spitting on the ground." Gritted out the noble without showing any discomfort or expression on his face.

"You wanna settle this outside MISSY?" Shouted Zaraki, "I can take on you AND your GAY zanpakutō!"

Byakuya gave the other Taicho an artic glare reserved for peasants. "Senbonzakura IS a female zanpakutō. Perhaps if you learned yours, you might be surprised to find it a lowly animal."

"Why you bastard…"

Despite the fact that the other Taicho was significantly taller than him, Kuchiki Byakuya was still able to send him a look that was positively belittling, as if Zaraki was nothing but dirt under his elegant nose.

"You fuckin' idiot!" Zaraki plowed on, uncaring that his subordinates were trying to stop him.

"Weakling."

"You BITCH!"

And then there was chaos as Zaraki took out his zanpakutō and lunged at Byakuya. A mad dash of people immediately took place as half of the occupants attempted to stop the 11th division Taicho from going berserk at being called a weakling; while the other half just fled for their lives.

Suddenly, there was an immense amount of reiatsu that flooded the warehouse. Yamamoto Sou-Taicho sat there with his eyes half-closed, but there was no mistaking that the heavy and burning reiatsu came from him. "Can we just get on with this, gentlemen?"

They all went back to their seats.

Oh god. Ichigo thought to himself, he was going to have one hell of a headache after this.

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"Um… okay…" Renji said as he dug in the list of names once again. "Up next people is… wow, me!"

"You sure you know SOMETHING, Renji?" Hisagi called out "Something tells me, you better sit down beside Kurosaki."

Renji turned as red as his hair. "Shut it. I went to get professional advice."

"That means he went to a hooker last night!" Sniggered Keigo.

"Shut the fuck up!" Renji snarled at others. He took a small package wrapped in cloth. "Oi," he said, throwing it to Ichigo. "Get a good look at it, will you!"

Ichigo just gave him a stare before drawling. "Well that's amazing Sherlock, I would probably be so ecstatic about opening your gift, if I wasn't bound hand and foot!"

"Well, allow me to open it for you." Iba said as he undid the bindings of the gift.

Ichigo blinked twice.

"Wow Renji," Hisagi said, "How did you get this? I've heard they can be quite expensive…"

He was not a Todai student for nothing, because Ichigo made a sound that was surprisingly like a gasp as he went "That is… SHUNGA, isn't it? But this one isn't…"

"There are other varieties of Shunga, Kurosaki." Ishida explained patiently as he looked at the wood painting, his face tinted with a dark shade of red as well. "Though it is common for Shunga to be portrayed by clothed men and women… there are those who push the boundaries of law by exposing certain… body parts. Of course, as in this case, only the male's anatomy is shown while the female is clothed…slightly weirdly, in my opinion; even the woman's hair is quite weird too; I haven't really encountered an updo for a woman in a shunga before. Maybe, the artist is definitely a rebel, yet he offers a concession to society's rules."

Hisagi looked at Ishida "Well, what do you know, Ishida-san here knows about porn…"

"I know my Japanese art, even for a bit, Hisagi-san."

Ukitake Taicho patted Renji on the shoulder. "That was an impressive gift, Abarai-kun; very tasteful as well. There was a slight shaking on his shoulders, as if he was stifling laughter. "Where did you get this?"

"A friend of mine gave me this. He's an artist with an extensive collection of art pieces, why?"

The older Taichos now laughed. "I doubt that kind of Shunga will be of much use to Kurosaki…" Yamamoto Sou-Taicho said. "Tell me then, is that friend of yours a male or a female one?"

"Um, he's a guy, Sou-Taicho, why?"

"Did you tell him WHY you wanted to purchase such a thing?"

"No, I just told him I wanted to buy a shunga and he told me to come back in a week and I got it for free."

"And is this guy friend of yours VERY close to you often, Abarai?"

"Huh?"

Kuchiki Byakuya gave his subordinate a severe look that conveyed his apparent disapproval. "You obviously know little of the arts. You couldn't tell that this one is a counterfeit. Possibly even made by your so-called friend."

Ukitake Taicho laughed. "Never mind if it's a fake Abarai. You brought a wrong kind of Shunga, dear boy. That is HIS gift to YOU."

"Yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi." Zaraki Taicho snickered.

"Yamete, oshiri itai!" Howled Kyoraku nearly falling off his seat with laughing so hard.

Hisagi dropped the wooden painting as if it was made of red-hot coals.

Keigo screamed as he covered his eyes.

"Damn you, Renji!" a scarlet-faced Ichigo shouted as he attempted to scoot his chair as far away from the Shunga as he could. "I'll kill you when I get out of here!"

The realization that he brought a yaoi Shunga was not as scaring for Renji as the realization of the 'motives' behind his friend's generosity and kindness to him. "I am NEVER going with him to the hot springs ever again!"

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It took everyone a while to calm down. "Well…" Renji said. "I think we should proceed then." Quickly he took a large swig of sake before reaching into the names. "Up next… Mizuiro!"

Nearby, Ikaku nudged Iba in the ribs. "That's just a kid, what does he know? I mean he just might be a virgin like Ichigo."

"Is he even of legal age to drink sake?" Iba added, casually observing the boyish Mizuiro.

Mizuiro took the floor, bringing with him a laptop that was connected to the projector. "So Kurosaki-kun, what I bought is something that I discussed thoroughly with Sakura and Keiko during our trip to France."

"Who are those girls, his sisters?" Kyoraku asked Keigo who was seated beside him.

"Um, no. Sakura and Keiko are Mizuiro's girlfriends."

Ukitake looked back at him in surprise. "He has two? Two girlfriends?"

Mizuiro, hearing the question decided to give his official explanation. "Why yes, Ukitake Taicho; Sakura and Keiko are my girlfriends. We went to France for a vacation once and we bought this there on a certain curious whim… Naturally, I thought about this after hearing about Kurosaki-kun's predicament."

"HEY! I don't have a PREDICAMENT!" Ichigo said hotly.

"Wait!" Yumichika said in surprise, "You have TWO girlfriends and they know about it?"

"Absolutely. I wouldn't want to go behind their backs now, would I?"

"And they like that?" Hisagi asked in disbelief, "They're not complaining or anything? Is that a serious relationship?"

"Of course, both are aware that we are in an unconventional yet serious relationship, Hisagi-san. Are you implying that I am playing both of them for fools?"

The guys looked at Mizuiro as if he was lying, as no one wanted to believe him. Seeing that they were unconvinced, Mizuiro took out his wallet and took out a picture. "Here." He said, giving it to Kyoraku.

"Oh my god. I don't believe this."

The others (except for Ishida, Keigo, Chad, and Ichigo of course, since they already knew about it) scrambled to get an eyeful. Even Byakuya wanted to take a peek – although he wasn't very obvious about it.

"Well damn us all to hell!" Zaraki exclaimed as the lower-ranked shinigamis started to get nosebleeds. "How did you rope these girls, anyway?"

It turned out that Mizuiro had two gorgeous older girlfriends and they were with him in the picture. One was of a bikini-wearing, sexy brunette model who had foreign blood; while the other was a big shot – and busty – red headed lawyer who had a killer pout and was wearing a short hot outfit in silk. Both women were smiling for the camera as they held on to Mizuiro adoringly.

Keigo was amused to see the older and more experienced shinigamis turn into disbelieving and bumbling idiots that gaped at Mizuiro. Even the Sou-Taicho was trying to discreetly wipe the blood from his nose. Of course, he was also a bit jealous, but Keigo had learned a long time ago to take it all in stride.

"Now that I have everyone's attention," Mizuiro said pleasantly, "I would like to share with Kurosaki-kun my knowledge and I hope he profits well from this." With that, Mizuiro pressed a button and the projector displayed the words: The Interactive Guide To 100 Ways on Making A Woman Achieve Orgasm – 4th Edition.

"Way #1." Said Mizuiro, as he clicked on the CD-Rom slide show.

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An hour later, Mizuiro was still continuing his lecture with almost everyone in rapt attention. Many were even taking notes, in hopes of learning a thing or two.

Ichigo on the other hand, was frowning so hard, his face was now numb.

Renji was hanging on to every word, while beside him Hisagi was looking at the image presentation intently as if his life depended on it. Kira who was seated nearby, was furiously writing on a piece of paper while blushing madly.

"Wait." Ikaku said suspiciously, "How sure are you that this stuff works? I mean you could have been scammed into buying it."

Mizuiro nodded. "I had the same doubts too, Ikakau-san. However…

The others looked at him expectantly.

"I can PERSONALLY attest to the success rate of the interactive guide. I heard that it stemmed from years of -

"Personally, as in YOU tried it?" Kira squeaked, blushing even more furiously as the others looked at him.

Mizuiro looked bemused at the question. "Well, I wouldn't give it to Kurosaki-kun if it didn't work, right?" He said as the others nodded reverently. "Might I suggest that Kurosaki-kun use the pointers from Way #15? The use of the tongue –

"Shut it Mizuiro." Ichigo protested in a weak voice. "You don't have to run through the WHOLE thing again."

"Are you absolutely certain, Ichigo?" Mizuiro asked, "Because if you have questions, I can –

"No."

Hisagi looked at Ichigo as if he just said that Aizen was the king of Soul Society. "Hell, no! He has GOT to repeat it, I still need to go through WAY # 67, 89, and 98."

"I must admit, I didn't think that way # 70 could be an effective method…" Mused Kyoraku.

"And I thought you knew every trick in the book." Ukitake said dryly. "Why act so surprised?"

Kyoraku laughed. "Come on, Cassanova; you learn something new each day. In fact, I wasn't familiar with most of them. Unlike you, of course"

Ukitake just gave his friend a disbelieving look.

Beside them, Yamamoto Sou-Taicho cleared his throat. "#'s 25, 46, and 81 have close similarities. Back in my youth, you didn't do one without doing the two next."

"Please, that's just too weird." Kyoraku said, covering his ears. "Imagine, yama-jii having sex? That has got to be the most disturbing thing I have ever heard."

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The evening continued on, with some of the guys giving Ichigo common types of advice. It was surprising to find out that Iba fukutaicho, who was a positively badass character, was having difficulty in explaining in detail the only piece of advice he got when he was younger. Unfortunately, he talked in circles and riddles that Ichigo never understood his point.

Kira Fukutaicho on the other hand admitted that he had no wide knowledge about sex. To prove his point, he told them of an instance where a girl dumped him the following morning after a 'lucky' sexual encounter. Kira recalled the entire conversation that was focused on the words sorry, terrible, hopeless, over-eager, and average-sized. By the end of his sad tale, Ichigo did not know who was embarrassed the more: Him, Kira Fukutaicho, or the rest of the guests. Poor Kira was literally trembling as he wept and asked the others to tell him what he did wrong. At that point, Renji had to make Kira drink a whole lot of sake so he would pass out and forget about his humiliating experience. Even Kyouraku Taicho had no comforting advice to give the man, except that he 'Try again.'

"Ok, so up next is Yamamoto Sou-Taicho." Renji said after drawing out his name.

Ichigo was way past the point of screaming at everyone to stop. He figured that he should just shut up and let them do whatever they liked just to get it done and over with. Besides, this was the Sou-Taicho, and NO ONE screamed at him to shut up and expect to get away with it intact.

"Newlyweds are expected to fumble about for a while." The Sou-Taicho said matter-of-factly. "The idea that you are inexperienced – though embarrassing – is understandable, Kurosaki. You'll know what to do next time."

"Oi, yama-jii." Shunsui said, "That has got to be the WORST advice of this evening – aside from that Quincy. We're supposed to be helping the man, not making him complacent."

"And do you suppose that Kurosaki can successfully learn and take advantage of EVERYTHING he learns tonight?"

"I doubt Kurosaki would understand anything." Byakuya said indifferently.

"What?" Ichigo blurted out the question in annoyance. Oh, they didn't just insult his manhood now, did they?

Kyoraku laughed at the disgruntled expression on Ichigo's face. "Well, Kuchicki Taicho, an exiled former Taicho by the name of Urahara Kisuke told me that Ichigo here learned bankai in just 3 days. Apparently, he is the real Wonder Man." He turned to face Ichigo then, "I'm sure one night is more than enough for you to learn, eh?"

"Hey, Mizuiro," Hisagi called out. "Can I borrow that for a while?"

"I'm sorry, Hisagi-san," Mizuiro said, "but this is Kurosaki-kun's. Maybe you can borrow it from him after his honeymoon."

Ichigo glared at Mizuiro, "Are you implying that I'm keeping THAT?"

"Aren't you?"

The substitute shinigami turned scarlet all over. "Um… uh… well…"

Mizuiro looked at him expectantly, while the rest of the men went silent to hear Ichigo's reaction. Would he be screaming expletives left and right? Would he give his friend his most severe scowl? Or will Ichigo just stay quiet the whole evening?

"Um… well… Mizuiro… Thank you."

Then there was a resounding cheer that filled the warehouse.

"That's the spirit, Ichigo!"

"Knew all along that you were a REAL man, Kurosaki!"

"Great job, you stud!"

"Excellent decision, Kurosaki-kun."

"I'm sure you won't be regretting that move, Kurosaki-kun."

"Man, you gotta tell me which one works really well, you hear?"

Okay, Ichigo thought, maybe this stag party thing was a bit fun. True, it wasn't that wholesome – it in fact was just so perverted; but it was… somewhat fun. Maybe, he could enjoy this thing – a little.

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It came with much surprise that Chad was up next.

"Don't tell me you went with their plan?" Ichigo asked his closest friend. He actually had faith in Chad; he was 100 percent sure that his friend did not plan anything really embarrassing for him – or perverted.

After all, this was Chad. If possible, this man was even more serious about stuff that Ishida. I mean, he even reminded Kyoraku Taicho that minors were not allowed to drink sake, for goodness' sake! If that wasn't respectable and responsible, Ichigo didn't know what would be.

"Sorry, Ichigo." Chad said, "But I was really worried when Inoue said that you had problems. So, uh…" he trailed off, a dark hue of red appearing across his cheeks.

"Do you think he'll give good advice?" Iba asked Hisagi.

The other shinigami shrugged "Maybe, I mean, I heard that some female shinigami think that he's attractive."

"Really?" Kira asked in surprise. "Well, maybe it's because he's quiet. There's a saying that still waters run deep."

"No way!" argued Ikaku, "women like men who are go-getters!"

"So, are you in a current relationship then, Mr. Go-Getter?" Hisagi asked snidely.

"And what are you implying, Mr. PERVERTED Fukutaicho?"

"Perverted?" Hisagi said, enraged, "You're the one who's more perverted!"

"Says the man with the tattoo of '69' on his cheek."

Fortunately, Chad ignored the apparent trouble that was brewing somewhere. Inoue told him to help Ichigo, and he will. As a friend, one must always support and assist their nakama when they were in trouble.

He only hoped that Ichigo would make him a godfather; he'd make sure the kid wouldn't go through this thing. Honestly, was Ichigo's father forgetful about the fact that teenagers had hormones? Come to think of it, back in high school, Ichigo was easily embarrassed about certain things and he had limited interactions with girls, maybe it was the effect of not knowing much about life.

"I – like Mizuiro – decided to get you an instruction manual of sorts…"

…

…

…

"And?" Keigo almost screamed out.

Chad just shrugged. "I decided to get you a porn video."

Keigo laughed, "Come on Chad, he can get that just about any day!"

"Not when he has two younger sisters at home." Mizuiro said simply.

"And especially not if his girlfriend lives in the same house as he does." Added Ishida. "That would be stupid. It's like bringing a 4-feet metal rod out in a thunderstorm while swimming in the lake. Of course, what's worse is that his girlfriend's brother wants to kill him every chance he gets; which is stupider, like bringing a pyromaniac to a gasoline station and giving him a supply of matchboxes, or a flame-thrower."

Ichigo ignored the analogy, "Um, Chad, I don't think that you have to play that video… it's okay."

"Nonsense!" Renji insisted, "Give 'em here, Chad. Let's load it in the DVD player. Yes Ichigo, we bought a large TV too." He told the affronted groom-to-be.

Hiding an embarrassed cough, Chad took out a non-descript paper bag. "I didn't know what to get, so… I… took them all…"

Quickly, Keigo rushed to rummage through the bag. "Hmm… interesting… well Ichigo, Chad here has some videos on BDSM, fetishes, lesbians, and um… hey, there's something here on threesomes! Cool! Chad, can I borrow this one?"

"I don't want to watch THAT!" Ichigo argued heatedly. "Give it back to Chad, Keigo."

Renji looked at the discs, "The threesome is out of the question, Ichigo. After all, it's going to be your honeymoon with Rukia."

"Once they get through the 7-year itch, they can try that." Mizuiro said helpfully. "Only when they trust each other explicitly, would they be unthreatened by a third party with them."

"Damn you, Mizuiro!"

Hisagi frowned at Ichigo's outburst, "Hey, don't take it out on your friend if you can't have the serious fun yet."

"That was NOT what I meant!" Ichigo shouted.

The other Taichos were busy drinking sake to pay attention to the commotion by the podium.

"Honestly," Zaraki muttered as Kyoraku poured him more sake "I thought that people like Ichigo would be curious about sex; I mean, what would he do when he gets the urge, anyway?"

"Masturbate?" Kyoraku asked wryly.

"Thanks for stating the obvious, Shunsui." Ukitake said dryly as he took a delicate sip of his sake.

Beside them, the Sou-Taicho glared at the 8th division Taicho. "Honestly, Kyoraku, not everyone is as crude as you are."

The meaning was not lost, as Kuchiki Taicho sat stiffly at the off-hand way the other man talked about sexual urges and stuff. Nearby, Hitsugaya decided to inch away from the other captains slowly.

At least there was a lot of food. Hitsugaya wondered how long it would take for him to drown from lemonade and get stuffed with the cakes and roasted meat. As for Mayuri Taicho… well, he considered the video as a scientific endeavor, and he wanted Mr. Pecker to learn as much as he can. Thus, he decided to sit apart from the other Taichos and join the younger men. He took out a small notebook and continued scribbling in his observations.

"But Yama-jii," Kyoraku protested, "Why am I the one who always gets the blame?" he looked at his closest friend "I mean, though I love women, I'm still a long way from reaching Jyushiro's record of flings!"

"Shunsui!" Ukitake reprimanded.

"What? Yare Yama-jii, why do you think I call him," he said as he pointed at his friend with a jug of sake, "Casanova? Honestly, that 'gentlemanly' Jyushiro went through most of the females at the academy! If he wasn't taken with an illness, he probably would go through with the rest of the population!"

The Sou-Taicho and Zaraki spewed out their sake at the same time. "What?" Yamamoto Sou-Taicho said weakly. "I must have misheard you, Shunsui; kindly repeat it, please."

"Jyushiro went through most of the females at the academy, Yama-jii."

"Idiot, that's impossible!" Zaraki said, as he took another drink of sake.

Byakuya looked at Kyoraku, "The joke is ill-timed, Kyoraku Taicho."

Kyoraku snorted inelegantly. "He's only sick, he's not an eunuch. Last I checked he, has an impressive record of 100 romances during his stay in the academy. Honestly, you should have given him the Secret Mobile Corps, Yama-jii, Jyushiro's good at COVERT missions." He added, giving the others a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows.

The three looked at the said Taicho of the 13th division, but he said nothing.

"Don't be fooled by that silence!" Kyoraku said. "Come on, Jyushiro, tell them!" But his friend was still silent, so he turned to the men again. "Ask Unohana then."

Once again, Yamamoto and Zaraki spewed out their respective drinks. "What?" they both asked weakly as they darted glances at Ukitake.

"I would like to ask you to stop besmirching the honor of a fellow Taicho, Kyoraku Taicho." Byakuya said dourly, though he too looked uncomfortable.

Kyoraku looked at them before laughing, "I didn't mean it THAT way! I meant, ask Unohana, since Jyushiro went through all her roommates and their friends!"

The others visibly relaxed.

"Come on, Jyushiro, what do plan to give Kurosaki-kun? Will you be sharing timeless advice? Or is there a certain potion I must know?"

Ukitake gave his best friend a smug grin; "I've requested Yamamoto Sou-Taicho to give him and his wife two-weeks off from their shinigami duties."

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For a while, almost everyone was silent. Mainly, it had a lot to do with the fact that most of the men were preoccupied with watching the DVD that Chad brought.

"Man, I didn't think that was possible." Keigo said in disbelief. "I mean, both have got to be very flexible, or it's a disaster."

Hisagi chuckled, "Don't worry about it Keigo, trained shinigami can do that easily." At the dark look Ichigo sent him, Hisagi continued. "Come on, Kurosaki, that's got to be child's play for you. I'm also sure you're pretty flexible, right?"

"That's disgusting." Ishida said.

"That's right." Agreed Ichigo, finally, he had an ally in this farce, "Go and tell him, Ishida."

"I mean, you're watching a pornographic film and here you are referring to children; that's just sick, Hisagi."

In a few minutes, the movie was over. "Man, that was something!" Renji said enthusiastically, "What an impressive acting."

"Impressive acting?" sneered Ichigo, "All they did was moan, groan, grunt, and shout, Renji!"

Renji just laughed, "Don't be so uptight, Ichigo. Don't be a snob just because it's not Quakey."

"Quakey? Did you just sniff some glue, Renji?"

"Oi, for your information, Rukia told me that you spend time reading boring books and watching even more boring plays written by the dead Quakey."

Quakey? Who the hell was Quakey? Wait a minute… didn't he mean… "Shakey? William Shakespeare, you dolt!"

"Quakey, Shakey, who cares?" Said Renji, "They're the same anyway."

"No he's not! He's a great playwright, moron!"

"Hey, you two?" Zaraki shouted, "Get on with the program!"

Renji immediately straightened up. "Um… up next, Zaraki Taicho!"

"Oh please." Muttered Ichigo, "Like, what would he tell me? All he knows is fighting!"

"Like sex isn't?" Ikaku said dryly. "Let me tell you, we at the 11th division also have a reputation of being hot… um… what was that word again, Yumichika?"

"Sex stud muffins."

"Yeah! Sex stud mu—WHAT?" Ikaku shrieked, amidst the laughter of the guys. "We're NOT remotely like muffins!"

Yumichika shrugged, "It sounds more beautiful than studly sex machines."

"WE ARE NOT BREAD STUFF, YUMICHIKA!"

"Whatever."

"You two." Snarled Zaraki, "Move it."

"Hai, Taicho!"

"Now," Zaraki said as he gave Ichigo a level look. "Listen here, Ichigo. Remember the many tactics during warfare and use it."

"Pardon me?"

"Make sure that you win." Zaraki ground out. "As with all battles, dominate and you will get the spoils."

"Um, what? Why? What spoils?"

Zaraki sighed in exasperation. "Take no prisoners alive, Ichigo!"

Kyoraku, pitying Ichigo, nudged the younger man, "What he means is that you must wow Rukia-chan. Use all the knowledge you have to impress her."

"Use force if necessary until they swear allegiance!"

"He means, you can tie her up; women love that. Make her beg."

Ichigo gaped at Zaraki before he turned to Kyoraku, "Come on, he's NOT serious, right?"

"Who knows?" Kyoraku said with a smile.

"I think you should drop the metaphors, Taicho; you're confusing Ichigo." Ikaku suggested. "Let's just tell it to him straight."

Zaraki gave his men a disgruntled glance. "Ichigo, there are moments where you have to dominate the woman. You better take the lead."

"Zaraki Taicho…" Byakuya's warning voice drifted in softly, though the threat was still there.

"Keep your hakama on, Kuchiki, I never said that he should hurt your sister. Just that women will sometime ask for a rough tumble."

"Rough tumble?" Byakuya's freezing tones settled over the party like a shroud of hollow stench. "Are you comparing my sister to an animal?"

"Geez Kuchiki, you mean start sex by giving a woman a letter of formal invitation?" Zaraki grumbled, "I'm just saying that Ichigo should just grab her and throw her on the bed. Don't tell me he ought to send you a hell butterfly and say 'Permission to screw your sister, Kuchiki Taicho' and wait 'til you give a reply?"

"And you dare use such a familiar tone on me, Zaraki Taicho?"

Being Byakuya's fukutaicho for a long time now, Renji was used to the noble's moods. This particular tone was conveying thinly-laced bloodlust and by experience, Renji knew that it had to be averted, immediately.

"Okay! Maybe we can go on to Hitsugaya Taicho!" he cried out, as he pulled out the young Taicho's name. "Taicho?"

Quietly, Hitsugaya made his way up the podium. Suddenly, everyone started buzzing around like inquisitive bees.

"Hitysugaya Taicho is up next!"

"Wonder what he'll say?"

"I mean does he EVEN know what sex is supposed to be?"

Ignoring the others, Hitsugaya cleared his throat. "Kurosaki… here." He said as he placed a small box on Ichigo's lap.

Peering down, Ichigo spotted something he couldn't figure out.

Quickly, Keigo took it out. It was a pink-fur covered pair of handcuffs. "Wow! I didn't know that Hitsugaya Taicho is into bondage!"

"Wow, he likes cute girls like Momo, wild and sophisticated ones like Matumoto, and he's into bondage!" Renji whispered to Hisagi. "Bet you anything, that handcuff quirk is Matsumoto's" The other man nodded and just looked at the handcuffs enviously.

Ichigo looked wryly at the young Taicho. "Pink, Toushiro?"

"That's Hitsugaya Taicho to you, Kurosaki." Snarled the silver-haired Taicho. "You got a problem with pink?"

"Eh? Me? Oh no," Ichigo said in a sickeningly cheerful voice. "If Shiro-chan likes pink, there's no problem with that."

"Don't waste my time with complaints, Kurosaki; go to Matsumoto and take it up on her."

There was a deathly silence (no pun intended) that filled the room.

"Taicho… you and… Matsumoto?" Hisagi spluttered, "Are… you two – in a relationship?"

Hitsugaya gave him a frigid glare. "She IS my fukutaicho."

"No Taicho, he's asking if the relationship is like Kyoraku Taicho and Ise Fukutaicho…" Renji asked hesitantly, ready to dash off should Hitsugaya blow a fuse.

"Is my lovely Nanao-chan here?" Kyoraku asked, obviously inebriated enough to be slightly confused about the shift in the conversation.

"No, Shunsui, they're talking to Shiro-bro." Explained Ukitake patiently.

"You mean Hitsugaya likes my Nanao-chan?"

The said 'shiro-bro' gave Kyoraku a glacial stare before he turned to Hisagi and Renji. "I meant that Matsumoto was the one who bought that for me. Why, are you implying something else, Hisagi fukutaicho, Abarai fukutaicho?"

Kyoraku laughed, "Come on, Hitsugaya Taicho, don't you find your fukutaicho hot?"

"Matsumoto is a ranked officer who is very capable despite her laziness at finishing paperwork."

"Quit pretending to be a gentleman; silver-haired guys like you and Casanova here are supposedly notorious playboys."

"Shunsui." Ukitake warned.

Once again, the temperature in the warehouse dropped.

"Shiro-bro." Ukitake said. "I apologize for the behavior of Kyoraku Taicho. Can you please not make the room colder? My fukutaicho will kill me if her husband-to-be gets a cold on their honeymoon."

"Yare, Jyushiro, would it kill you to admit that you were a notorious womanizer back at the academy? Set a good example for your fellow Shiro. Don't want him to make the same mistake of being in ten sexual relationships at the same time for a month."

Sending the other man a disgruntled look, Ukitake grumbled. "It wasn't at the same time; it was ONE at a time. Get your facts straight."

Everyone looked at Ukitake in shock.

"Taicho?" Hisagi choked out.

But Ukitake said nothing and nothing was admitted nor denied.

"Um, can someone now untie me here?" Ichigo spoke. "My arms are cramping. Besides, I need to get to Rukia."

Ishida shook his head. "I'm afraid that's not possible Kurosaki. As of this moment, Rukia is now with the girls. They're giving her some tips."

"That's what I was afraid of." Ichigo groaned. He had to get to Rukia before she runs amuck. "Untie me NOW!"

"Um not yet; I still haven't given you MY gift yet!" Keigo said excitedly. "I'm going to give you a present you'd never forget; in fact, I'd top ALL of their gifts combined!"

"That's what I'm worried about." Ichigo muttered. "Look Keigo, its okay, really; just let me go and I'll be on my way."

But Keigo was undaunted. He stood up and went to a secluded part of the warehouse, where he pulled out a humongous box. "This gift is something I got with the help of Mayuri taicho and Urahara-san."

"You bastard, you dare lump my creation with something from that Urahara?" cried out an outraged Mayuri. "This is insulting."

Keigo dug into his pockets. "Hmmm… it's supposed to be in here somewhere…AH!" triumphantly, he took out a small, green-colored pill.

"That's a soul candy isn't it?" Yamamoto Taicho asked, looking at the pill with disapproval.

"Yes, I was able to get one from Urahara-san!"

Suddenly, Ichigo had a disturbing vision of the kind of disaster that Keigo would be unleashing. "Wait, Keigo! Don't tell me… that's a gigai inside that box, huh?"

Keigo smiled happily. "How smart of you to know, Ichigo! Well, what kind of stag party would this be without a –

"Don't say it!" Warned Ichigo.

"…Stripper dancing out of a cake!" Without further ado, Keigo opened a small flap on top of the box and dropped the soul candy in. A minute later, he pulled the ribbon on the box to make the sides fall off and expose a large, three-tiered plaster cake in white and yellow.

"Lights!"

Someone turned off the other lights, except for the spotlight trained on the cake.

"Music!"

The teasing strings of a really perverted-sounding music then filled the warehouse.

The guys erupted into cheers.

To Ichigo's mortification, the top of the 'cake' opened, and out came a scantily dressed golden-haired girl that had sparkling green eyes, and the biggest pair of boobs that he had ever seen. "Oh god."

"Wow, those breasts are even bigger than Matsumoto's!" Hisagi shouted in approval.

"Mayuri Taicho clearly outdid himself, this time." Renji agreed as the 'woman' climbed out of the cake, exposing her long, lithe legs, and pointy, red heels that matched her red two-piece string bikini.

The gigai walked down to Ichigo.

"Stay away from me!" he shouted, face turned brilliantly red from embarrassment and other stuff.

"Just enjoy the show, Ichigo!" Keigo said. "Don't worry, we won't tell your fiancée!"

Ichigo tried to maneuver away as the gigai sat on his lap. "Oi, get off me!"

"Take it off! Take it off!" Someone shouted amidst the whistles.

"Shit Keigo, you are so dead, man!" Ichigo cursed as the gigai attempted to remove his shirt. "I'll seriously dismember you…"

If it wasn't for the damned seal, Ichigo could use his reiatsu to get out of this. He really hated this, especially since the gigai was disturbingly cheap looking. I mean, seriously, he has seen his fair share of sexy women before and this gigai was definitely not one of them. If Rukia gets wind of this happening, he was seriously not going to enjoy his honeymoon.

"GET OFF ME!" he shouted at the gigai, pushing her off with all his might. From the corner of his eye, Ichigo saw Byakuya frown disapprovingly.

Shit! Double shit!

Ichigo had no choice; he focused all of his reiatsu to his arms.

"What the hell?" Renji cried as Ichigo attempted to remove the limiting seal that kept him bound.

But Ichigo was not listening. He was able to free himself from a binding spell before, he was sure he could get out of this one.

"That's not going to work, Ichigo –

Suddenly, Ichigo was free.

"Whoa! That is one mean combination of reiatsu and brute strength." Zaraki said in grudging respect, as he whipped out his zanpakutō. "You definitely have to fight me, Ichigo!"

"YAY! A fight, LUCKY!" Ikaku cried, doing his hideous 'Lucky' dance.

"Get off!" a red-faced Hitsugaya snarled as the gigai now latched on him "Somebody get this THING off me! Honestly, this gigai reeks of cheap perfume!" In a sudden move that was very similar with Matsumoto's, the gigai shoved Hitsugaya's face in between her huge breasts to the dismay of a jealous Keigo. In earnest, the young Taicho was now pushing the gigai away from him with one hand, while the other hand was attempting to get his zanpakutō from behind him to chop off its arms.

"I wanna try that!" Hisagi said. "Taicho, do you have another gigai available?"

"Idiot." Mayuri sneered as he continued writing on his notes. "Do you think I'm stupid to carry one on my person every day?"

"Man, I really want to borrow your gift!" Renji told Mizuiro.

"Sorry, this is Ichigo's. Maybe you can borrow the videos from Sado first; you can take the interactive guide after they get home from their honeymoon."

"If Ichigo won't be using the handcuffs, can I have it?"

"I guess, Iba fukutaicho." Chad said, shrugging.

"Ichigo! Fight me!"

Stumbling, Ichigo deftly avoided being sliced by Zaraki. "Look, just leave me alone. I don't want to fight with you, okay?"

"Hey, Kuchiki Taicho still hasn't given his advice to Ichigo!" Keigo called out.

Ishida winced inwardly as he saw the way Rukia's brother tensed at the mention of his name. Honestly, Keigo has no tact; saying things like sex and the name of an overprotective older brother's sister at the same was an equivalent of an air strike. It was always best to avoid such entanglements as soon as possible. Quickly, he took his notes and stuffed it into his bag before he hurried outside.

"Wonderful party, eh?" Kyoraku said happily. "I suppose Ichigo and Rukia-chan will have a lovely time later, huh? The young man's bound to have learned some very INTERESTING moves to keep Rukia-chan screaming with delight."

"Chire. Senbonzakura."

"Really, Kuchiki Taicho, he was just jesting!"

"Somebody get this damn gigai OFF me!"

"Can you re-wind that part where the girl does that thing with her mouth?"

"Can you at least tell me if you have an extra copy of that interactive guide? Can I borrow it?"

"Get away from me Zaraki! For goodness' sake, I just want to get to Rukia – SHIT! That could have chopped off my head, idiot!"

"That was the idea, Ichigo, now get your bankai and fight me!"

"Seriously, all of these would have been avoided if that idiot Kurosaki Isshin taught his son about sex." Yamamoto Sou-Taicho muttered to himself as he drank his sake.

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A/N: I must confess I'm very worried about this chapter. I mean, I just crammed as many crack moments as possible in here and it's kinda scary in a way. Boy, this chapter game me so much trouble, it's hard to keep track of THAT many people in a chapter, you know.

I got many good feedbacks from those who reviewed my previous chapter and I'm glad to see that many people enjoyed it; I know I did.

Yes, Isshin, Urahara, and Kon are not in this chapter. This was intentional, because they will be featured in another chapter (haha!), so if you missed them take comfort in the fact that they will appear soon.

The info regarding Shunga came from an online source called wikipedia, as well as the phrases "Yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi," which is translated as _no peak, no point, no meaning_ and "Yamete, oshiri (ga) itai," or _Stop, my ass hurts_; both are said to be the basis for the acronym YAOI. Since I read that line, I KNEW I just had to put it here! Yes, I did research, but there's no guarantee that my interpretation is 100 accurate, so feel free to check the info for yourselves. If you found errors, just let me know.

Well, the younger ones have no idea that this kind of Shunga that Renji bought was a yaoi one; hell, even Ishida was duped. Let's just say that Renji was slow to realize that his 'friend' made it for him to um… give HINTS on his certain preferences (snickers)… Poor Renji indeed.

Well, this is a crack fic; so Ukitake had to be erm… cracky enough.

As for the "The Interactive Guide To 100 Ways on Making A Woman Achieve Orgasm – 4th Edition," let me just say that I made that up. Seriously, is there such a book available online or anywhere? Oh no, if there is, somebody better correct me!

Anyways, feedbacks are very much appreciated; I'm addicted to reviews and you guys don't want to deprive me of my only source of high… I also hope that the Taicho's are in character; of course, they're inebriated and it MIGHT be a reason why they act a bit OOC. Yes, Byakuya had no gift; his permission to let Ichigo marry his sister is gift enough. In fact, he has no advice to give Ichigo. Why would he, this is his sister that Ichigo would be marrying. Talking about how to get your sister laid is just… weird.

Up next is Rukia. Well, all I can say is that… I wish her luck.

Okay, so I know this is kinda pathetic; but I want to read reviews, guys. sigh

Seeing reviews makes me feel warm and fuzzy, plus it makes me more enthusicastic to write. C.LeShay needs reviews; especially from the ones who just read my works. I really want to hear from you guys! I promise to do my best to reply to all of you (RIGHT).


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – Everything that a girl needs to know and have

**Summary: **"Look Rukia," sighed Matsumoto. "You're going on your honeymoon; you've been given TWO WEEKS OFF by your considerate Taicho – you are just so lucky, you know?" she grabbed the other by her shoulders. "The least you can do is to take advantage of it and have two weeks of as many mind-blowing sex that you can get; because once you report back to work, you'll be so busy with your shinigami and fukutaicho duties that you and Ichigo will be going through sexual withdrawal for many, many, many days." Matsumoto finished the last part with an ominous tone.

**Fiction Rating: **M for mature content. Lots of swearing and other stuff here. Much more than what's found in the previous chapter.

**Characters: **Rukia and a whole lot of girls from Soul Society and Karakura, plus a special appearance of Kon

**Disclaimer: ** If you think I own Bleach, tell me so; I'll PM you a good shrink. You'll love the meds they have!

**SPOILERS: **Everything about Bleach (at least of what I'm aware of) is spoiled.

**WARNING: **Crack, crack, and even more crack! Oh yeah, and there's a couple of OOC moments here for many of the characters, but I just couldn't take them out, so bear with them ok? BTW, I've never attended a bridal shower yet, so please, no flames about how this fic is going. BTW, there will bo no actual boinking or lemons here, sorry; just naughty words.

And oh, this fic will have more graphic words and phrases than the first. So please, if you have a kid reading behind your shoulder – can you make him/her play with lego in the meanwhile?

Thanks to HEARII for letting me borrow FOID (Friends Of Impending Doom). It was too funny to resist.

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It was with no trepidation that Rukia made her way to Inoue's apartment. Of course, there was a part of her wondering just what kind of get-together the other woman was planning, but Rukia was pretty confident that it wasn't that bad.

Belatedly, she wondered how Ichigo was faring. Of course she wasn't worried, since Renji and Nii-sama were there anyway.

Finally, she reached her destination. Rukia quickly rang the doorbell, it was cold and she wanted to be indoors where it was warm.

Inoue flung open the door excitedly, "Kuchiki-san!" she squealed, "Come in!"

"Ah, thank you, Inoue."

"Everyone's here already!"

"Excuse me? Everyone?"

Whatever it was that Inoue said was blocked as Rukia stepped in and closed the door.

From behind the shadows, a small creature crept out slowly.

"Hehe, there is NO way I'd miss, Rukia nee-san's bridal shower…" the creature cackled softly. "All of the shinigami women are here, including the goddess of the heavenly valley!"

Kon smiled perversely at the idea of a roomful of women needing a cute mascot.

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"Oh."

Rukia was surprised to see Tatsuki, Yuzu, and Karin. Of course, the members of the Shinigami Women's Association were there too – even Yoruichi. Did Inoue invite all the seated female shinigami of Soul Society?

"Okay, so its time for dinner." Inoue announced cheerfully. "I'm sorry to bother you, Kuchiki-san; but can you help me bring in the food from the kitchen, so the girls can finish clearing the table?"

Rukia didn't think that it was polite to mention to Inoue and the others that the table was already cleared. If they wanted a reason for her to be out of the room, she'd help them. "Um, sure, its not a bother."

Wordlessly, she followed a relieved-looking Inoue.

As soon as the two were out of earshot, Karin hissed at Matsumoto, "Are you sure this will work? We could just send her to a doctor or something; they can explain –

"Don't worry, she's in good hands with us." Matsumoto assured the Kurosaki girl. "Why did you think we invite you here anyway? You can learn a thing or two as well."

"Thank you, but we have Sex Ed class." Yuzu offered shyly.

"Then why the hell is Rukia ignorant?" Yoruichi thought aloud.

"It's pretty obvious that Kuchiki Taicho has something to do with this." Scoffed Matsumoto. "And I expected a lot from him too. Considering that he was married before, you'd think that he's the first to let her know about the birds and the bees."

Ise Nanao looked at Matsumoto, "But are you sure that she doesn't know anything? I mean, Kurosaki Ichigo ought to know; he's a doctor."

"Well, Inoue swears she heard it from Ichigo's father." Supplied Tatsuki, "I mean, he's ought to know, right?"

"Very well then," Yorouichi said, "we will take his words seriously. But if he's wrong…"

Unohana Taicho smiled "That won't be the first. Isshin can be quite the prankster too."

"I'll give him a sound beating." Karin promised.

"Good." Yoruichi chuckled. "Now, did you all bring that something that Rukia will be using?"

The others all nodded.

"A question, if I may." Karin interrupted again "Why are we giving Rukia-nee something that will 'seduce the stuffing' out of my brother anyway? I mean, the guys are already teaching him HOW as of this moment."

Yoruichi shook her head. "Goodness, girl, you're brother is SO dense about sex! I mean, no matter what technique they teach Ichigo will not work if he freezes up or mumbles like a moron."

"Eh?" Tatsuki asked, "Ichigo freezes up? No way that happens!"

"When he fights, sure. But when he sees a naked woman," scoffed Yoruichi, "The boy clams up. At that rate, nothing is ever going to happen between them."

"HOW do you know that, Yoruichi?" Unohana Taicho asked. "Don't tell me Kurosaki-kun saw you naked?"

The women waited with bated breath. It soon turned into surprise as the former princess of the Shihouin clan smiled in smug satisfaction.

" NO WAY!" Karin hissed.

"Yoruichi-sama!" Soi Fon said worriedly in disapproval.

"Well, its not like I flashed him or something." Yoruichi assured the others. "I showed my true form to him once; naturally, a cat has no clothing, so I didn't. You should have see the look on his face." She chuckled. "I thought he was going to faint from embarrassment. In fact, there was a time when his wounds opened up because he was fidgeting around so much!"

Tatsuki shook her head at disbelief, though a large smile was starting to show on her face. "That idiot!"

"He can take on hollows and even shinigami Taichos, but he can't take seeing a woman naked." Mused Ise Fukutaicho in amusement. "And he's even at that age where it's natural for a man to want to be with a woman intimately."

Beside her, Matsumoto was laughing quietly. "Oh god!" she heaved in between chuckles. "He's really that much of a prude… the poor virgin boy!"

"Which is why we have to let Rukia initiate sex." Yoruichi said matter-of-factly. "If she can get him aroused past embarrassment, then Ichigo would probably be able to remember what the guys taught him."

"Or make him act on instinct." Added Unohana Taicho.

"Well, I guess that's a sound idea." Karin mumbled, her face red. Gods alive, why did they talk her into this? It was one thing to laugh at an inexperienced man, but it was another when it was her own brother.

"I'm sure Rukia-nee will do fine." A similarly red-faced Yuzu said weakly.

"Um, well…" Kiyone spoke for the first time, "Is Yachiru fukutaicho okay to be here? I mean she's still young…"

"Don't worry about me." Kusajishi Yachiru said proudly, "I know ALL there is about sex! Ken-chan already told me last year!"

The women gave the pink haired fukutaicho a disbelieving glare.

"Yeah, I asked him about it once after I went to the hot springs with bun hair fukutaicho.."

"And he explained it to you?" Matsumoto asked in disbelief. True, Zaraki was a bloodthirsty man, but he was pretty much protective about Yachiru (unless she was fighting hollows and stuff), and they expected him to be cautious when dealing with the discussion on sex with her.

"You; you should have seen his face! It was so red!" Yachiru said, laughing about it hysterically. "I've never seen Ken-chan so embarrassed before!"

It was an unspoken agreement between the female shinigami to have this information bought to the Sou-Taicho as soon as possible. For Zaraki Taicho to teach the facts of life in such a careless way to a shinigami who was still to reach puberty – in shinigami terms that is; it was an offensive crime.

Really, what was wrong with the male Taichos who were supposed to be father figures?

Never let a man do a woman's job.

"Oh wonderful, the table is all ready!" the perky voice of Inoue drifted in as she and Rukia stepped inside, each carrying a tray laden with an assortment of food that she painstakingly prepared earlier.

"So…" Rukia trailed, "we're a lot of people here. What's the occasion?"

"Um…"

"Midget-chan's getting married, and we're here to support her!" Yachiru said excitedly. The others hurriedly tried to shush her up.

Fortunately, Rukia was still affronted with the word midget, and she remained unaware of their plot.

"Hehe," Inoue said, "We're here to offer you our heartfelt congratulations, Kuchiki-san…"

"But you just said it during my engagement party." she pointed out. "Why are you repeating it?"

Yoruichi immediately grabbed the said bride-to-be in a tight clasp around her neck. "Look, we WANT to congratulate you again. Do you have a problem with that?"

"Um…no."

"Right, now just shut up and let us all eat in peace."

In the back of her mind, Rukia wondered what kind of trouble did she get herself into. Beside her, Inoue decided to heap her plate with a dozen of unfamiliar-looking food. Well, hopefully Inoue's reported skills in the culinary arts would not leave her in the hospital.

Of course, it was very tempting to just see the bewilderment and surprise on Ichigo's face when they postpone the wedding.

Then again, a reprieve could very well be the chance for Nii-sama to take back his blessing. Now that, in Ichigo's words, would be a fucking bummer.

"Do you have any sweets, jiggly?" Yachiru asked Inoue.

"Are you sure it won't spoil your dinner, Yachiru-chan?"

Yachiru pondered on it. "Well, I THINK Ken-chan said that it will, but I don't think it will. MAYBE, I remember there was this ONE incident where he shouted 'I'll kill the fucking bastard who gave Yachiru chocolates!" Yachiru said, imitating the menacing tone of Zaraki. "Who the hell gave her chocolates after 6pm, you maggots? When I catch you, you better pray you drop dead or I'll make you!"

The surprised women just looked at the pink-haired fukutaicho.

"I guess, it happened because I played doll-dough with the flour supply in the kitchen and they didn't have any breakfast the next day." She smiled. "But I guess, I can eat the sweets, jiggly."

Inoue gave a nervous laughter as she eyed her prized set of chinaware. "Um, I'd LOVE to give you chocolates Yachiru-chan; but I'm afraid I ran out of it yesterday…"

"Oh, that's just too bad…"

Yoruichi patted the kid on the head. "Maybe Zaraki will bring you candies later. Who knows, he might be planning to surprise you."

"Really, kitty-woman?"

Oh yeah, it will be a surprise, all right.

"Oh…this is delicious, Inoue-san!" Kiyone said, "Can I bring some of these for Taicho later?"

"I have to agree that the roast pork is superb." Unohana agreed. "My compliments."

Inoue smiled, "Thank you! I'm afraid I ran out of red bean paste, so I was unable to put in any…"

Matsumoto pouted. "Oh, that's just so bad; I was looking forward to eat that again…"

The others exchanged relieved looks. Thank god there was no red bean paste.

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After a relatively worry-free diner, Inoue and Yuzu cleared the table. Rukia was wondering why everyone was looking at her strangely, but since everyone seemed busy rummaging through their things, she just kept quiet.

A Kuchiki was expected to know how to keep quiet and pretend to see nothing happening.

Wordlessly, Yoruichi took hold of Rukia's arm and brought her over to the spacious living room. "So… Rukia… Since you're going to get married in 2 days, we thought it would be a good idea to give you our good luck presents."

"But, you all gave me presents already…" Rukia said haltingly, wondering what was going on. Seriously, she wasn't THIS paranoid before, but since everyone treated her and Ichigo as if they were made of glass, or they expected them to drop down dead any moment; Rukia figured out that being paranoid was the way to go.

"Well we wanted to give you something again." Matsumoto said, "This one can't be given in front of all the guests."

"Why?"

Yoruichi chuckled. "We're going to give you presents you can use on your honeymoon."

"Excuse me?" Rukia asked again, all too aware that her face was slowly heating up.

"Honestly, Kuchiki-dono! Quit saying 'excuse me' and 'what?' all the time." Kiyone said, as she carried a box into the middle of the room.

"Look Rukia," sighed Matsumoto. "You're going on your honeymoon; you've been given TWO WEEKS OFF by your considerate Taicho – you are just so lucky, you know?" she grabbed the other by her shoulders. "The least you can do is to take advantage of it and have two weeks of as many mind-blowing sex that you can get; because once you report back to work, you'll be so busy with your shinigami and fukutaicho duties that you and Ichigo will be going through sexual withdrawal for many, many, many days." Matsumoto finished the last part with an ominous tone.

Now, Rukia did turn an intense shade of scarlet, she looked sun burnt.

But Matsumoto was not yet done. "Besides, I'm sure there will be cases where you have to stay in Soul Society for a few days during the week; your finger can only do so much without proper mental stimulation…"

Turning to look at the others, Rukia saw them all nod in assent. Of course, there were some who were blushing so hard – like Tatsuki, Inoue, Momo, Karin, and Yuzu; but even they were in silent agreement with Matsumoto.

"Matsumoto…" she started in a strangled whisper, "Are you by chance trying to turn me into a sex fiend or something?"

Matsumoto looked affronted. "Sex fiend? No one is a sex fiend in Seretei, Rukia."

Everyone noticed that she was giving her best friend, Ise Nanao sly and covert looks though.

"Hey!" the bespectacled fukutaicho of the 8th division squeaked.

Yoruichi laughed. "Don't worry, Rukia; being a sex fiend is the least of your worries. Unless that husband-to-be of yours is THAT good… considering his impressive stamina and all…"

"Yoruichi-san!" Soi Fon muttered in embarrassment.

"But that topic's for next time." Yoruichi said brightly, heartily slapping the back of a nearly catatonic Rukia. "We'll take one sexual escapade at a time."

There was a deathly silence (NO pun intended, AGAIN) that seemed to fill the room.

Oh god, thought Rukia, she was struck by the FOIDS. There was no way she was going to be able to escape this.

Then Yachiru piped up. "The finger, big boobies? What do you use that for in sex, anyway?"

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"Okay, so Rukia, remember that the goal is to drive Ichigo wild with unrestrained lust." Matsumoto said, as she gave the other a suggestive wink. "You have to entice him, make him see that there is a worthy goal, get his blood running –

"Yes, yes, I know that part." Rukia said hastily. "Please Matsumoto, get to the point! Why is everyone in here anyway?"

"I'm glad this girl is not that clueless." Yourichi muttered before calling out to the bride-to-be. "Oi, Rukia; we're all here to give you stuff and pointers on how to whet Ichigo's appetite. I mean, sure, you two had done some pretty heavy stuff already like kissing, necking, petting –

"The point, Yoruichi-san, for the love of all holy, please get to the point!" a now-frustrated Rukia shrieked, as she was now tugging on her hair.

Inoue immediately handed her friend a small brown paper bag. "Breathe, Kuchiki-san, you're hyperventilating!"

"Oh all right, the girls and I came up with the idea to give you stuff that are guaranteed to get Ichigo all horny on your honeymoon."

For a second, Rukia thought that the older shinigami was jesting. But seeing the grim looks on all of their faces, she knew without question that Yoruichi was dead serious.

"We needed to give you something that will help 'nudge' Ichigo to be in the mood." Matsumoto added patiently, as if she was talking to a 5-year old. Which was, of course pretty weird, since no one in his or her right mind would talk about sex so bluntly to a kid. "I mean, you can't just look at each other during those two weeks right? You got to initiate, grab him, and restrain him –

Oh god, the situation was just so laughable! Rukia wanted to shake Matsumoto and tell her that Ichigo, in fact, had been 'in the mood' for WEEKS now. He didn't need to say anything; Rukia could see it in his eyes every time he looked at her. She would have to be pretty blind or dense not to see that he was just itching to – what was that word? Oh yes, RAVISH her pretty much in public.

Rukai wanted to scream and tell them that each time Ichigo TRIED to get her clothing off, someone was just INTERRUPTING them. Maybe, if they wanted to help, they could just leave them alone for a while so they could get FINALLY have the – to quote Matsumoto – mind-blowing sex that everyone was trying to get them to make.

"Okay, so she's just officially snapped." Tatsuki said as she saw Rukia laugh hysterically.

"Here, let me." Kiyone said, "This is a trick Kaien-dono used to do when he was still… well, alive. Hey, Kuchiki-dono!" Grabbing a glass of water, Kiyone threw the contents straight at Rukia's face.

Spluttering, Rukia glared at the 3rd seat of her division. "What the hell was that for, Kiyone!" she yelled. "Are you trying to kill me or something?"

Matsumoto quickly took hold of Rukia and placed her in a bear hug, nearly smothering her against her huge breasts. "Calm down, Rukia! Calm down! Don't worry, the girls and I will make sure that your honeymoon will be a night – no, make it NIGHTS – to remember!"

"Let's bring out the presents!" Inoue shouted, "Out with the sex toys and such!"

"Are you sure we're not going overboard?" Karin asked her twin in wonder, while checking if her future-sister-in-law was still breathing; being strangled by Matsumoto's boobs can be deadly... Yup, she was still flailing, so she was still okay.

"Oh goodie!" Chirped Yachiru, "We're getting toys too!"

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Rukia sat primly, as Ichigo's sisters handed her their present. It was a square box that had a blue ribbon on top.

"Well?" Inoue said, "Why don't you open it, Kuchiki-san…"

"Now?" Finally relenting, Rukia carefully un-wrapped the gift

"Oh come on, the suspense is killing me…" Kiyone said.

"Kiyone!" her sister, Isane cried, "Don't rush her!"

As Rukia took out the top of the box and lifted out the gift, the women gave off sighs of appreciation.

Karin and Yuzu gave Rukia a short, sinfully sheer chiffon peignoir set in a fire engine-red color. The high-waist set had a lacey trim on its hem and deep neckline, to draw the attention to both the bust and the legs. Not that it needed any, since the scrap of clothing could not really be considered as a 'decent' cover-up. Rukia was sure that even her own soul would be seen when she wears this. As for the bodice, it was held closed by some loosely tied red silk laces that were guaranteed to become undone with just a well-placed tug, enough to allow the entire thing to slip from the shoulders and pool down on the floor. To compensate for the racy garment, the matching robe was fairly long, yet it too was still sheer enough to hide much.

Yes, Rukia could already imagine the reaction Ichigo would have on his face when she came out wearing that.

"WOW!" Matsumoto said in reverence. "That would definitely work, Rukia! If that doesn't turn Ichigo on, I don't know WHAT would."

"Okay so this is where MY gift would come in handy." A smirking Yoruichi said. "Remember Rukia, if that doesn't work, take it OFF."

"In front of Kurosaki-kun?" gasped Inoue, "But guys aren't supposed to spy on women, even if they're already married."

"Are you SURE we don't need to give you THE TALK, Orihime?" Matsumoto asked.

"Orihime, did you forget that Ichigo's supposed to take it off?"

"Ah yes, sorry about that, Tatsuki." A red-faced Inoue said. "I'm just used to say that to all women, it doesn't hurt to be careful of perverts… I mean, not that Kurosaki-kun is a pervert… he's just weird sometimes, but he's funny too…" she rambled on.

Absently, Rukia touched the fabric with one finger. It glided easily over the chiffon, which was cool to the touch. A hint of a blush found its way to her cheeks while a small shiver went up her spine as she slowly realized the potential this peignoir held. "Thank you, Karin, Yuzu." She said quietly, her voice laced with wonder. Slowly she lifted it up so she could see it even closer. The material was so sheer; she could see the light through it. As if in a trance, Rukia held the fabric I front of her, as if trying to get the feel of it on her skin. "It feels…so cool and smooth…"

Oh, Rukia had no doubts that this thing would probably be discarded quickly. Considering the flimsy material it was made of, it would be of no surprise if this would be ripped apart when Ichigo sees it. She made a mental note to ask Yuzu or Karin where she could buy an extra pair or two… This was definitely a trump card worth investing in. Maybe she ought to buy one in white, one in black, or even another red one.

Yuzu beamed happily. "I'm glad you like it, Rukia-nee."

Seeing the reactions playing on her blushing future sister-in-law, Karin gave a smirk before telling her twin, "Well, I'd say we hit the jackpot, Yuzu."

"Yuzu, Karin; you must tell me just WHERE you bought that." Yoruichi said; a bit dazed after looking at the peignoir as Rukia held it. Normally, she would avoid purchasing clothing, since she really didn't need it – not where Kisuke was concerned, anyway. But she had to admit; the peignoir would definitely be FUN.

By the way everyone was waiting for the reply from the Kurosaki twins, Yoruichi was willing to bet that they too were dying to know where it came from.

Wordlessly, Karin handed the woman a flier advertising a newly opened lingerie store in Karakura.

"We are so going on a shopping trip tomorrow." Matsumoto announced cheerfully.

"Aye." The women all said.

Somewhere outside the window, a small figure was huddled against the window, face pressed against the cold glass. Kon's beady eyes were trained on the peignoir that his nee-san was holding. "Oh… such an amazing piece of cloth… so light … so smooth… so transparent…"

He didn't even bother wiping the drool forming down the corner of his mouth (figuratively, of course; Kon was not an idiot to forget that he was still a stuffed animal). "I wonder if I can make it into nee-san's luggage…"

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"Now here's MY gift!" Inoue said proudly, as she handed Rukia a brightly colored box. "I so hope that you'll enjoy this, Kuchiki-san! Have fun!"

"Aa." Rukia muttered as she opened the box. "What is THIS?" she asked in confusion as she held up the said item in the air. It was quite long, oddly shaped, and it seemed to be a mechanism of sorts. It also came in a shocking neon green color…

"It's a glow-in-the dark vibrator, Kuchiki-san!"

Tatsuki immediately looked at Inoue, "Orihime, Kuchiki-san's getting married, why in the world did you get her a vibrator?"

"Well… maybe Kuchiki-san could… um… what did the saleswoman say again?"

Wordlessly, Rukia looked at the object. Finding a certain button, she pressed it; immediately, the said object started to move and hum quietly. "Um… Inoue, is this supposed to move this way?"

"I've heard of that!" Squealed Matsumoto as she looked at the weird object moving in Rukia's hands.

Rukia thought carefully if she had ever seen one. True, back at Todai there were female students who were talking about 'vibrators' in the toilets, but Rukia has never seen one before, so she was unsure about what this does. Neither was it on display in the store where she and Ichigo bought their groceries every weekend. "Yoruichi-san, does Urahara sell stuff like this at the shoten?"

The woman tried to hide her laughter from the other shinigami. "I'm sorry Rukia, but Kisuke doesn't sell that at his shoten, he just wouldn't."

"Really?" asked Inoue, "But the woman at the store assured me that that particular brand was popular."

Yoruichi recalled the time where she 'innocently' asked Kisuke if he was selling a vibrator because she felt like buying one. The former Taicho of the 12th division looked affronted at her and asked in disbelief why would she get a substitute when she got the real deal at her disposal.

Baiting Kisuke was really fun, and very… pleasurable as well.

"Human women use that whenever they are alone." Yoruichi said smiling at the stupefied looks in the others' faces.

Well, Matsumoto didn't seem to be confused, as a smile of her own slowly surfaced. "You better bring that to Soul Society with you Rukia. It might come in handy when you stay over for several days without your husband."

The suggestive wink that the older shinigami gave her clued Rukia in. Fortunately, she was a smart girl and she immediately knew what it meant. Her face once again turned into a pretty shade of red.

"It's a TOY!" chirped Yachiru as she grabbed the vibrator from the hands of an unsuspecting Rukia. "Can I have it Jiggly? I'd like to bring it back to our barracks and show it to Ken-chan!"

Inoue paled. "Um, Yachiru, I'll just give you another one, okay? That's Kuchiki-san's…"

"But I like how it looks!" she said, looking at it curiously. "HOW do you use this thing?"

"Um… its only for those who are getting married!" Inoue, Tatsuki, Matsumoto, and even Rukia all cried out at the same time.

If Zaraki finds out about them showing a vibrator to Yachiru, they were so dead.

"Oh, then I'll have to get married, right?"

"Kusajishi fukutaicho," Unohana said gently, "You don't just get married on a whim; marriage entails responsibilities."

"Like what?"

Unohana gave it consideration before answering. "Well, first, your husband-to-be should love and care for you. He should be able to have a job to support you financially, providing you with a home. Third, your family must accept him and give their approval." The Taicho of the 4th division gave the child a gentle smile. "I suppose that Zaraki Taicho won't just allow you to marry any man; in fact, I suspect that he will only allow you to if the young man can beat him or give him a good fight."

The others all nodded in agreement.

Yachiru thought about it. "Hmm… Okay, I'll marry Icchy then!"

"I'm marrying him, Yachiru!" Rukia gasped, "You should find your own husband!"

"Rukia, she's just a kid!" Matsumoto warned. "Yachiru-chan, pick another guy; I'm afraid Ichigo doesn't love you…"

Yachiru pondered for a while. "Byakushi's rich…what about him?"

"You want to marry Nii-sama?"

"Yachiru fukutaicho, Byakuya Taicho has NO FEELINGS!" Tatsuki said, but she immediately mouthed an apology to her fukutaicho for insulting her brother.

"Um… Ukitake Taicho?" the child asked again.

"NO WAY you skinny little brat!" Shouted Kiyone.

Her sister, Isane, gave her a scandalized look. "Calm yourself, Kiyone."

"Would you like to marry Mayuri-sama?" Nemu asked.

"Hell NO!" Most of the women cried out at the same time, while shuddering. If there were anyone they'd chose to marry LAST, it would be the freakish Mayuri Taicho of the 12th division.

"UM… What about Kira-kun?" Momo asked timidly.

"Yeah, like Zaraki wouldn't kill his wimpy ass." Sneered Matsumoto. "Then again, the way he trembles, he could be lucky enough to avoid being sliced in two."

"Okay, how about Hisagi-san?" Inoue asked, "He seems nice."

Beside her, Nanao shook her head. "Too perverted. I doubt Zaraki Taicho would even let him near Yachiru fukutaicho."

"Well, maybe Abarai-san?" Momo asked again, thinking about another friend of hers.

"As if!" Sneered Tatsuki. "Who'd want a boorish idiot like him who just enjoys brawls and has so may vices? I mean any woman can do better that that stupid Abarai!"

The women looked at Tatsuki curiously.

The karate expert blushed, "I mean, he's obviously still hung up on Kuchiki-san, right?"

"Hey!" Rukia cried out.

"Right, like you don't notice him looking at you?" Tatsuki said hotly.

Rukia frowned. "Three years ago, perhaps; but Arisawa-san, he's looking at other girls now, not me."

"Oh."

"I know!" Shouted Yachiru triumphantly, "This is perfect! He's strong, he has a position, he likes me, and Ken-chan would love to fight him!"

"Who?" Unohana asked.

"Shiro-kun Taicho!"

Matsumoto, who was in the process of drinking a glass of soda spluttered and choked, "Listen here missy, there is NO way MY Taicho likes you!"

"He gives me candies!"

"Its only because he doesn't like the candies that were given to him by Ukitake Taicho!"

"How do you know? I say Shiro-kun Taicho likes me!"

Matsumoto snorted, "How would I know? I'm a WOMAN Yachiru, I KNOW these things!"

"That has nothing to do with this, big boobies! He's going to marry me!"

"He's supposed to propose to you FIRST." Matsumoto ground out. "You'd have more luck with Kuchiki Taicho than my Taicho."

"You know," Karin said as she looked at her shocked twin, "Shinigamis are really weird."

"I agree."

From outside, Kon was smiling like an idiot as he looked at the chaos that was happening. "Oh wow, girl fight! I hope someone gets this on tape!"

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It took a while, but finally the small commotion in Inoue's living room was resolved. It only ended when Yachiru was given peppermint candies by Yuzu and after Rukia promised to formally 'introduce' Yachiru to her nii-sama – when she grew up, of course.

"I'm sure Byakushi will come around and like me, midget." Yachiru assured a baffled Rukia. "I mean, he attended the Shinigami Women Association's meetings when you were absent; and I'M the president of that. I think he likes me. Besides," she added confidently, "He shoved a sweet bun into my mouth during a meeting with the other fukutaichos, and nothing says I LOVE YOU more than candy or anything sweet." She prattled. "Wait… but Big Shiro-Taicho always gives candies to Shiro-kun Taicho; does that mean, Big Shiro-Taicho loves Shiro-Kun Taicho?"

Matsumoto and Kiyone nearly choked on their drinks.

"Anyway, I'll marry Byakushi, midget; and I expect a LOT of candies and that vibra-thingie from everyone. I want to have it in pink too." Yachiru finished with a flourish.

Hopefully, by the time Yachiru grows up, she would have forgotten about it.

Rukia was now wondering how Ichigo was faring. By this time, she realized that whatever was happening to her was planned by someone.

Obviously, her fiancée was going through a similar thing right now.

Ichigo better not be enjoying his evening or she will kill him herself.

She wondered if it was possible for her to hightail it from here and head back home for a nice, hot bath. Unfortunately, everyone seems to be careful about keeping her in plain sight, that Rukia knew she was in for a tough time should she try escaping. Yoruichi was there, for one. The goddess of flash would probably just out-shunpo her and bring her back, wrapped in bandages or something. Two, Ise Nanao and Hinamori Momo; these two were the kidou geniuses of Seretei, and despite Rukia being exceptionally skilled enough to be considered at par with them there was no way she could go up against TWO kidou masters at the same time.

She wished that Nii-sama was here, at least, in his presence the women won't take too many liberties with her. Then again, Rukia belatedly realized that if anyone needed Nii-sama right now, it would be Ichigo.

Unless of course Kurosaki Isshin was added into the messy equation as well.

"Okay, so it's my turn now." Tatsuki said as she handed Rukia a bulky package that she eyed uncomfortably. "It's not really perverse you know." She told the suspicious shinigami. "Of course, that depends on how you see it."

Without a word, Rukia unwrapped the gift. "Um… Tatsuki, why did you give me loads of energy drinks?"

The women all laughed.

"My, my, I know Ichigo has monstrous stamina, but Tatsuki, it's brilliant of you to cover all the bases." Chuckled Yoruichi. "That way, they could pull out an all-nighter…"

"Shesh, its not like we won't be there for a week…" said Rukia, though she was blushing.

Tatsuki was also a bit red-faced, "Well um… you can bring that if you plan to venture outdoors like go hiking or kayaking…"

"I'm sure the those two won't be going out that much." Nanao said a bit smugly. "It's their honeymoon, they're entitled to hole up for as long as they can."

"The way Ichigo's looking at her, I don't think those two will be outdoors throughout their stay." Crowed Matsumoto.

"Soi Fon?"

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama?"

"I think you can give your gift to Rukia now."

"As you wish." Quickly, the Taicho of the 2nd division and the chief of the Secret Mobile Corps stepped up to push in a trolley that had a very large, lacquered chest.

The others looked at it in interest.

"Wow, that seems quite special." Isane said appreciatively, as she eyed the intricate designs etched on the chess.

Soi Fon nodded, "What I'm saying is strictly classified because it's records does not exist in any way; but I have never sent one of my men into the living world for a reconnaissance mission to look into the… sexual habits of those in the living world."

"That's impressive…" Kiyone said, "What did they find out?" at the warning look at Soi Fon's face, she added, "I mean, what DIDN'T they find out?"

"Open the box."

Rukia immediately sat down beside the large chest and opened it. Inside was a body-hugging leather outfit; which was of a one-piece black suit that had big metal buckles and clasps all over. It was no means modest, as it exposed bits of skin along the chest, back, stomach, and hips. The entire outfit had a matching pair of ankle-high boots that had 4-inches of heels.

"Don't forget, there's a whip included." Soi Fon said.

"Oooh, naughty; VERY naughty." Yoroichi said, impressed at how well-made the thing was.

Inoue peered into the chest, "Um, Kuchiki-san, there's something underneath."

Soi Fon gave the girl a hard look "Like we only gave one."

"We?" Nanao asked, "Who else is with you on this, Soi Fon-Taicho?"

Inoue gave a squeal, "Oh this is cute!" she gushed as she held up a very short French Maid's uniform in the air. "This will look good on you, Kuchiki-san! It even has a feather duster and a cap!"

The Taicho just shrugged, "The nonexistent members of my secret mobile corps, of course."

Rukia gasped, "The entire Secret Mobile Corps KNOWS about this?"

This was not good. There was a nagging thought that was eating at her brain… she remembered encountering a member of the SMC years ago, when she followed Ichigo to his mother's grave. If THAT weirdo shinigami had something to do with this –

"Hey, there's even a nurse uniform." Tatsuki said, as she showed a short nurse's outfit, complete with a clipboard and tray-full of 'medicines.'

"No ONE knows about this. Especially not the nonexistent members of the secret mobile corps." Soi Fon stressed, giving Rukia her most severe glare.

"Rukia-nee," Karin said, "There's also a naughty school girl uniform here."

"Huh?" Rukia turned to see an altered and sexed-up version of the high-school uniform that she wore before, when she masqueraded as a teenager. Seeing just how short the skirt and just how sheer the top was, Rukia turned slightly red.

Instinctively she knew that Ichigo 'Kurosaki-sensei' would love that.

"There's even a… Playboy Bunny outfit here as well." Yuzu announced with a hint of embarrassment in her voice.

"Oh, what's this outfit called?" asked Matsumoto as she pulled out a skimpy, sequined, bikini that was paired with a sheer pair of loose chiffon pants.

"That's a genie outfit." Tatsuki explained. "In popular tales, a female genie appears from out of an old bottle to grant all their masters' wildest dreams."

"This one's good." Matsumoto grinned. "I don't doubt that Ichigo would say 'no' to that, Rukia."

Inoue giggled. "Kuchiki-san better practice saying 'Your Wish Is My Command, Master' in secret until she leaves for her honeymoon! That'll be fun!"

"Well, at least thanks to Soi Fon here, you and Ichigo can have a very varied and eventful honeymoon." Yoruichi said as she glanced at Rukia who was eyeing the 'bunny' outfit with barely restrained interest.

"Wow!" Gushed Yachiru, "There's a cute dress here, look, and its just like what a little girl would wear!"

Everyone's jaw dropped as the pink-haired fukutaicho held out a short loli dress that was done in many shades of pink with lots of lace and ribbons. The ensemble was complete with dozens of hair ribbons and pink, small shoes, plus a cute little teddy bear. "Aww… midget, you'll look like a cute little girl here, a very pretty one in fact! I think Icchy will love this!"

The women turned to look at Rukia closely, as if trying to gauge her.

"Come to think of it, is that the reason why Ichigo likes pre-pubescent looking girls like her, when women with developed figures chase him all the time?" Matsumoto asked in a stage whisper to Nanao.

"She's looking at you…" her friend warned.

"We should just ask Ichigo then."

"Soi Fon."

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama?" the captain asked immediately as her idol called her name in a tightly controlled voice.

"Who gave the suggestion regarding this particular outfit?"

"I really don't remember, Yoruichi-sama…."

"Hey, midget, if you're not wearing this, can I have it?" Yachiru asked again.

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After everyone had looked at the other 'costume clothing' that Soi Fon had bought - where even the usually reserved Isane fukutaicho, and Unohana Taicho pointed out which one was their favorite – the women decided to continue on with the program.

"I can't help but notice that you were particularly riveted to the Teacher costume, Ise fukutaicho. Do you wish to acquire one? I can perhaps not ask for another in your size."

The prim fukutaicho gave a strangled sort of sound. "Huh? Me? I wasn't…. no, not really…"

"Honestly Ise fukutaicho, I'm the superior officer of all the not members of the Secret Mobile Corps. I can tell when someone is hiding something from me."

"But –

"Ise."

Nanao flushed. "Uh, yes. Sorry…um, Taicho, I'd like the Teacher outfit, and the one for a Geisha…" she whispered hurriedly while the others were preoccupied with refilling glasses and setting aside some of the gifts.

"Consider it done."

"Errr…well…"

"Do not contact me, I will contact you myself. Understood?"

"Yes, Soi Fon Taicho!"

Inoue clapped her hands to get the attention of everyone. "Um, okay, so there are sandwiches and pork buns available, as well as refills for drinks, so no one gets hungry. Who wants to go next?"

Kiyone raised her hand "I'd like to give my present now, please."

"Oh sure, why not."

Clearing her throat, Kiyone handed Rukia a messily-wrapped present. "Excuse the wrapping, Kuchiki, it's just that Sentaro is an idiot who doesn't know how to wrap presents properly.

Smiling, Rukia accepted the gift. It was of a book, something she has never seen before.

Nearby, Matsumoto smiled as she realized what it was.

"The Shinigami Secrets… what is this, Kiyone?" Rukia asked as she leafed through the book.

Kiyone blushed at the question. "Um… well… Kuchiki…"

"Yey! Story time!" chirped Yachiru as she sat beside Rukia.

"It's the most graphic piece of literary work in the whole of Soul Society." Nanao said, as she pushed up her glasses nervously.

Suddenly, the bride-to-be who was reading turned REALLY red as she read a particular phrase from the book.

"Really?" Tatsuki asked, "You have that in the afterlife?"

"Arisawa-san," Unohana explained, "the souls in soul society has urges too… and that, well, it IS the most controversial book ever written.

"How do you know about it anyway Taicho?" Kiyone said; "I thought that it was mostly guys who read that…"

Unohana Taicho looked a bit uncomfortable. "Well, a roommate of mine, back at the Shinigami Institute read that book as suggested by her then-current beau. She was a bit careless and left it lying around where I found it."

Rukia's eyes bulged almost out of their sockets as she continued to read the book.

"Like I'd pass an opportunity to read stuff like that! I bought one from the store, and it was frightfully expensive too…" Matsumoto said.

"Kyoraku Taicho has a limited edition copy of that in our division's library. He calls it, an educational experience for the new recruits."

"I'd like to ask, but are most of the shinigami in your world perverts?" Karin asked, "I mean, almost everyone I met IS."

"I'm NOT a pervert!" Rukia exclaimed hotly, as she let go of the book immediately. The thing hit the ground with a dull thump.

"Of course not, Rukia-nee; you're completely clueless about this." The dark-haired Kurosaki said as she tried to placate the other.

The bundle of bubbly pink known as Yachiru hurriedly took the book and leafed through it. "Eh? His… lips touched her … breasts… tho-through the thin fabric… of her yukata…his to-tongue traced the outline of…her …ni… pples…" she read haltingly. "Argh! But there's no pictures, how do I understand this?"

"Yachiru-fukutaicho!" Momo cried out as she attempted to grab the book from the younger shinigami. However, Yachiru proved to be faster, as she eluded Momo by climbing on top of the table and jumping over the others.

"Ne, bun girl," Yachiru asked Momo as she continued to weave out of the other's reaching range "Why does a guy touch your breast? Are you cleaning it or something, and he's helping you? Ken-chan didn't explain that part to me."

"Yachiru fukutaicho!" A now-blushing Momo cried out, "Please, give me the book!"

Suddenly, the goddess of flash was in between them. Before Yachiru or Momo could say anything, she grabbed the book and flashed to the end of the room. "It's not yet your bedtime, Yachiru. Maybe later, okay?"

"You promise?"

"Tell you what," Yoruichi said, "We'll let Zaraki read this for you, okay?"

"Yoruichi-san!" Unohana warned in a soft yet stern voice.

"Deal!"

Nanao cleared her throat; "Kuchiki fukutaicho, this is my present. Please be careful not to break it."

With care, Rukia unwrapped the pouch. It was of a medium-sized bottle of the most expensive kind of sake in the whole of Sereitei. "Um, Ise fukutaicho, what is this about?"

"Well, you ought to relax, Kuchiki fukutaicho; I mean, most women fear that the first time they indulge in carnal acts will be extremely painful and discomforting. You wouldn't want to go all hysterical when you see your husband's… well… his um…

"Just say it Nanao!" Matsumoto said impatiently, "Goodness, it's not like its taboo to say –

"His thing!" Nano was able to spit out, though she looked visibly embarrassed

"Like you haven't seen a dick before."

"Like you don't see it ALL the time?"

"Nanao, you're the one with the boyfriend, not me!"

Nanao flushed red "I do NOT have a boyfriend, Rangiku!"

"Please," Matsumoto said in an 'I-may-be-a-blonde-but-my-brain-is-proportional-to-my-bust-size' tone "What do you call Kyoraku-Taicho then?"

"He is my Taicho, Matsumoto!"

"Ooohh, Taicho with benefits…"

Nanao just pushed the frame of her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "As I was saying, when you first see your husband's THING, you might experience a panic attack. Of course, I'm not saying that you may, but honestly, if you see just how HUGE –

Karin and Yuzu covered their ears, no way would they listen to something discussing their brother's THING no matter how huge or whatever it was supposed to be.

"Thank you for the sake, Ise fukutaicho." Rukia hastily interrupted, bowing deeply to divert the other's attention. "I greatly appreciate it."

Nanao visibly relaxed as Matsumoto pouted.

"Now then, I suppose. It would be our turn next." Unohana Taicho said, smiling gently before motioning to her fukutaicho. "Isane? Can you bring the present here, please?"

"Of course, Taicho." Isane then stood and took out a fairly large box and presented it to Rukia. "This is from the Taicho and I; may we wish you a long and happy life with Kurosaki-kun?"

Rukia smiled as well. "Thank you, both for the gift and for the wish, Unohana Taicho, Isane fukutaicho."

Carefully, Rukia undid the ribbons so she could open the box. Inside were a collection of candles, incense, and oils. They were grouped into two, divided only by a narrow wood plank set in the middle. "Oh… thank you for these."

Unohana smiled. "The items on the left are for relaxing, the ones on the right are guaranteed to arouse the libidos of you and your husband. It is proven that there are certain scents that increase the sexual drive; I hope that would be useful."

Yachiru took a bottle and sniffed it. "Um, braidy-lady," she said "I think you were duped by the one who sold it… it doesn't DO anything to arouse my um… libido?"

"Ah…ehehe, thank you again…" murmured Rukia as she took back the bottle from Yachiru and carefully replaced the cover of the box as the other women were now seriously doubting the wisdom of allowing Yachiru to join them.

"Kuchiki-san." Nemu called out, "Would you want a gigai to practice techniques with?"

"What?" the women all asked, slack-jawed at the question of the 12th division fukutaicho.

Nemu looked unconcerned. "Well, Mayuri-sama built one for Kurosaki Ichigo-san, as per the request of your friend, Asana Keigo-san…"

Rukia looked livid, Keigo was SO dead the next time she saw him! It really was a good thing that Nii-sama and Renji were with Ichigo, at least Keigo wouldn't be able to do anything that was remotely perverted.

"Mayuri made a gigai?" Yoruichi laughed, "And just HOW did he expect it to work? His gikongan pills are messy and completely idiotic!"

Nemu bowed "Asano Keigo-san asked for the assistance of Urahara-san to create a new modsoul pill specifically for a purpose alone." She held up a small pouch and showed that it had a modsoul pill and an updated version of the shinigami death glove to remove the said pill from the gigai.

From outside the window, Kon's eyes lit up with a particularly fun idea. "Hehee… I've got you all, ladies…" he muttered in perverse delight. "It's going to be a fun night with each and everyone of you." Quickly, he got off his perch.

"That is forbidden, Mayuri fukutaicho." Unohana said, slight disapproval seen on her face.

"Let me look at the gigai!" Matsumoto called out, "Let's see if it's hot enough!"

"Matsumoto!" Nanao cried out in warning.

"Oh lighten up girls, it's just an empty gigai, no harm will come out of that!"

"Certainly." Nemu said in her usual monotone voice as she stood up to go to a closet.

Tatsuki looked at Inoue, "She keeps it THERE? In your coat closet?"

The other woman nodded. "She asked my permission earlier, don't worry about it Tatsuki, it really did look good!"

"Of course," Nemu explained (again in monotone), "I asked Mayuri-sama to pattern this gigai based on what was the popular notion of ideal specimen in Seretei."

"Roughly translated means Mayuri patterned it after the most desired man in Seretei." Yoruichi said.

Nemu brought the gigai out.

"Oh My God! It's a gigai like Kuchiki Byakuya!" shrieked Matsumoto in joy.

The gigai did look like Byakuya Taicho, and it was wearing an expensive-looking tuxedo, complete with the coat and the flower at the buttonhole.

"It does look very detailed…" Momo said, blushing slightly. "I mean the facial structure and build are eerily similar…"

Kiyone laughed, "Don't tell me you were checking out Kuchiki Taicho as well?"

Momo blushed harder, "No! It's just that everyone's talking about how he looks in our division EVERYDAY!"

"Don't hide it, Momo." Isane said, smiling as well, "We're all guilty of checking out Kuchiki Taicho one point in time anyway."

"He's such as good-looking guy…" sighed Matsumoto.

"A fine specimen indeed." Agreed Nanao. "I don't think there was ever a woman in Seretei who DIDN'T ogle him…"

"What am I, a guy?" Rukia asked affronted. "Last I checked, I'm a woman, and I didn't ogle Nii-sama!"

"Siblings are exempted, Rukia." Matsumoto said. "Despite the fact that you see him in such close proximity, I don't envy you that much. I mean, its not like I could jump him if I was adopted into his family right?"

Unohana looked carefully at the gigai. "Yes, Kuchiki Taicho is indeed a fine specimen of the opposite sex. It comes as no surprise that he was voted as the shinigami of the month for 2 consecutive years at the Shinigami Women's Association publication."

"I have his calendars," admitted Momo, "and um… Ukitake Taicho's too…"

"It's such a shame that he didn't remarry after his wife died…" Nanao said.

"I agree." Soi Fon added, "I have a rough estimate of the number of women pining for him."

"Eh?" Isane asked, "Really?"

Momo looked at Unohana "Taicho, what was his wife like?"

Unohana paused for a while. "She was a quiet and shy woman. Kuchiki Hisana also preferred to be alone most of the time, as she was very sickly. In fact, she looks like Kuchiki Rukia here – the similarities are too great."

Rukia just sat silently. Not many people were aware of that story. Nii-sama had taken only Unohana Taicho and her into his confidence, the day that he rescued her from Aizen and Gin; even the Kuchiki advisers and elders were not aware of the entire story on how she was adopted into the illustrious clan of the Kuchikis, or just how deep her connections was with the late lady of the noble Kuchiki house was.

When she became engaged to Ichigo, it was the only time that she let him in on the secret that even Renji had no idea about. It was only then that Ichigo was able to put aside some of his anger and irritation towards her brother; and though Ichigo found perverse happiness in upsetting Byakuya, he was able to tone it down to a minimum.

"That's kinda creepy." Matsumoto said, "I mean if we didn't know Kuchiki Taicho, we could have easily thought that he was trying to replace his dead wife with Rukia." Suddenly a thought struck her, "Wait! What if that was his plan all along? To groom his next wife!"

"That's preposterous, Matsumoto." Nanao said flatly. "You're over imagining things."

"Okay, so Byakushi's here, can I marry him now?" Yachiru whined. "And stop looking at him with drool on your mouths!"

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"Um… okay, so this is embarrassing." Momo said as she held out her gift to Rukia. It was of a small box that was wrapped in a royal blue paper. "I hope this helps…"

Carefully, Rukia opened the present. "Wow." She said as she held up the gift for everyone to see.

It was of a book on the different kinds of massages and it had instructions on all things - from the oils to use to the step-by-step procedures on how to go about each.

"It is very interesting." Mused Tatsuki, "A massage is a good way to start things up."

"Not only that, but since you two get tired from work everyday, a massage is a good way to unwind the body and mind." Unohana said, nodding in agreement.

"Wow Momo, how did you come up with this?" Isane said, "This is good!"

Momo blushed, "I went to this storey; but this woman was showing me all of these stuff that were embarrassing to buy, so I just asked for something to help make a person relax, and she suggested this." She held out her hand. "Let me try a relaxing massage for you, Kuchiki-san, you need it."

Immediately, Rukia sat closer with her back towards Momo.

Soon, the fukutaicho of the 5th division was busy kneading the muscles of Rukia's shoulders gently, applying just the right amount of pressure. As an addition, she also used a soothing kidou to de-stress the tired nerves.

Rukia gave a sigh of contentment. "Wow, Momo, you're good at this. Have you considered starting up a spa at Seretei?"

"She's THAT good?" Matsumoto asked incredulously.

"Seriously, I'd pay for it even through my nose, Matsumoto." Sighed Rukia as Momo continued to knead a particularly stubborn knot at her upper back.

"Well, Hinamori fukutaicho is excellent with kidou, it would help greatly." Unohana said as she observed the technique that the younger shinigami used.

Momo blushed at the praises. "Thank you, it's really not much big deal. My grandmother used to ask me to massage her legs at night, so I'm used to it. I initially thought that I was more suited for the 4th division. But… well… I was told that I'm a better asset in combat." She finished sadly.

Momo was really geared into working for the 4th division, as she wanted to help the injured and sick like her grandmother. But she met Aizen Souske and her decision was influenced.

To this day, Momo wonders how her life would have been had she worked under the guidance of Unohana Taicho instead.

"You know what?" Matsumoto said, realizing that the gloom brought about by discussing about Aizen reached everyone in the room. "I think we should forget about shinigami duties for a while!"

"Well, this IS a party, I guess it's okay." Tatsuki said, smiling.

"Wait. You're planning something, aren't you, Matsumoto?" Nanao said suspiciously. "Seriously, spill it out!"

Matsumoto looked a bit sheepish, "I wasn't planning ANYTHING, Nanao! How rude of you to think so. I'm just going to give MY gift to Rukia here!"

Quickly, she extracted a lumpy package from inside her shirt. "Here, Rukia; sorry if it's a bit squashed…"

"Are you sure that your gift is appropriate enough for Kusajishi fukutaicho to look at?"

"Nanao, THIS is a bridal shower, not a children's party. Honestly, are you expecting me to bring out balloons?"

"Where?" Yachiru asked excitedly. "Did you bring balloons, big boobies?"

Matsumoto sighed. "No, Yachiru-chan. Rukia, please, just open the gift."

Cautiously, Rukia unwrapped the gift, inside were dozens of silken scarves in different colors.

"Um, Matsumoto, scarves?" Rukia asked hesitantly, wondering just what they were for.

"Extra-strong ones too! Tie him up, Rukia!" Matsumoto said excitedly. "Though not many guys are into it, getting tied up and blindfolded is a REALLY good way to enjoy sex more!" Ignoring the pointed looks that were sent her way, Matsumoto continued her explanation. "I mean – letting go of control and giving yourself up to the demands of another is a great way to have a more steamy night, Rukia. Basically, you just tie Ichigo to the bedposts, blindfolded, and just do whatever –

"Oh, ropes. I didn't know this was a good idea for a gift." Yachiru interrupted as she tested a scarf with her teeth. "Back at our division, the punishment for losing in a battle is to tie them up in a room and guys just take turns having their way with you."

The women all gaped at Yachiru.

"Is that right?" Matsumoto asked, "Who started that."

"Hmmm." Yachiru mused to remember the details. "I think pachinko head did that to peacock hair once after a match. Then, we just heard peacock head screaming. Ken-chan said it served him right."

"Really?" Yoruichi said, curious. Just what punishment did the other get?

"Yup, Peacock hair was screaming that he had delicate skin and that pachinko head was breaking it. After that, I heard that the results were good and pachinko head suggested making it a severe form of punishment for the wimps. Ken-chan agreed. "

Really, what was going on in the 11th division anyway?

"I tried to find out what it was, but Ken-chan said, it wasn't a pretty sight."

"We really should talk to Zaraki Taicho when we get back to Seretei." Unohana mused worriedly.

"Hey midget, can I give my gift now?" Yachiru asked excitedly, jumping all over Inoue's sofa. "I'm sure you'll like it! I asked Ken-chan for suggestions, and he said to give you something you'll like…"

"Um… sure…" Rukia said, fidgeting around.

"HERE! Take it!" Yachiru said, handing Rukia a large pink paper bag.

Rukia tried to smile cheerfully, "Thank you, Yachiru fukutaicho; it's my honor to get a gift from you."

"Open it! Open it, midget, so you can see what it is! It's a SURPRISE!"

Karin glanced at the gift suspiciously. "I'll bet." She muttered to herself.

Carfully, Rukia opened the bag. Inside was a large glass jar filled with…

"That's honey, right?" Inoue asked, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"Yup! Ken-chan said once that guys in our division always had honey with them whenever they go out drinking and are due to return the next day!"

"The next day?" Echoed Rukia.

"Yup, I think that you have to rub it all over, midget so Icchy will love to taste –

"Yachiru-chan!" Yuzu cried out.

"Buut its true, guys say that its always better if it's covered with honey, lots and lots of honey! That's why midget here should use it all over –

"I really don't think that you should have asked Zaraki-san for his advice," Nanao said hurriedly, "If it's a gift for a girl, you should talk to a girl."

Yachiru looked about in confusion, "But you said to give midget something that Icchy would love and get him excited and stuff!"

"You asked Yachiru to what?" Rukia cried out, aghast. Oh my goodness, they even roped in a KID into this whole scheme.

"But she DID say that she knew about the birds and the bees!" Inoue exclaimed, defending them as the others nodded hurriedly.

"You asked her?" Rukia almost thundered.

Tatsuki stood to face Rukia, "Yes we did, and she did say that she knew everything about sex!"

"Did I get you a bad gift, midget?" Yachiru asked nervously.

Rukia took a deep breath and faced Yachiru. "No, Yachiru-chan." she said kindly. "I loved it."

"I think we made an error…" Unohana said as she watched Yachiru start to fidget in embarrassment.

"Then why do you look so shocked…" Yachiru asked. "Midget, if you loved it, you would have jumped up and down."

"Sorry, Yachiru, I was just surprised…."

"Oh, it's okay then. It's my fault, I forgot to bring the bread."

"The bread?" Yoruichi asked in confusion.

Yachiru nodded, "Yup, Ken-chan loves to eat toast for breakfast and he puts honey all over it. Wait… don't you do that, midget? No wonder you were confused!"

"Bre-breakfast?" Nanao muttered, "That was for breakfast?"

"Yup!" Yachiru said proudly. "Oh dear, you girls don't know much, do you? I thought you knew a lot about the birds and the bees? We have to discuss that on our next Shinigami Women's Association meeting!"

"Oh god." Tatsuki muttered.

While the others were definitely distracted, Matsumoto sneaked up to the gigai that was left forgotten on the floor. Hurriedly, she looked for the bag. Surprisingly, it was just lying there on the floor, apparently discarded in a hurry.

Matsumoto was initially surprised to see it near a familiar looking stuffed toy and the modified shinigami glove. Deciding not to pay it any attention, Matsumoto looked through the bag to find the gikongan pill. "Aha!" she silently cheered herself. "Come on Byakuya, let's have a party!"

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A/N:

Aww man, this was one difficult chapter. Too many cracks in it. So, once again, C.LeShay would like to know if this is okay or not. This sophomore Bleach fanfict is really scary, I had a lot of hits and reviews for My Third Daughter's First Date that I'm kinda nervous about losing momentum...

BTW, everyone's started the count towards my birthday; watched the news and there was a countdown posted somewhere. Darn! I'm about to become older AGAIN! So, on that note, count the days and celebrate with me by posting reviews! C.LeShay would love to accept reviews... and um, the rights to Bleach.

How about a personal message from Isaka Tatsuya or Kubo-sama, then? No takers?

Guess I'll have to settle... reviews would be great!

Yes, but in case you haven't guessed (Check my profile, dearest), my birthday falls on Christmas Day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – You Just Have to Love Your Family**

**Summary: **Isshin glanced piteously at Ichigo. "I'm so sorry my son! For a long time that you remained an ignorant and discontented virgin, daddy thought that you were gay!"

**Fiction Rating: **M for mature content. Lots of swearing and other stuff here. Much more than what's found in the previous chapter.

**Characters: **Rukia, Ichigo and a whole lot of people from Soul Society and Karakura, Kon, Karin, Yuzu, Urahara, Byakuya, and Isshin (FINALLY!).

**Disclaimer: ** The day I get a gigai of Ichigo is the day I own Bleach. Until then, a plushie will suffice.

**SPOILERS: **A lot is spoiled, enough said.

**WARNING: **Crack, crack, and even more crack! Oh yeah, and there's a couple of OOC moments here for many of the characters, but I just couldn't take them out, so bear with them ok? Please, as I said, they're full of crack; they're NOT going to make a sense, so just laugh and don't process anything on an intellectual level. This is just for fun. Trust me, you don't want me to give you any of that introspective psychobabble. Yes, I can do that, but I'd lose all my readers in a heartbeat.

Please don't sic your mommies and daddies on me. My hands are full with my own parents too. No, C. LeShay is NOT a pervert; jeez, its not like you guys haven't read anything like this or more anyway; besides, they're all only implied …

And oh, for those who have been anticipating for a lemon… sorry guys; they're all only implied here.

At any rate, I would like to extend my thanks to the people who so-graciously reviewed my previous chapter. C. LeShay expressed heartfelt thanks because chapter 4 was well received. I'm glad that many of you found it funny and it was really nice to hear how it made people laugh.

Okay; I'm sorry guys, I just read the previous fic and I made some changes. Please don't be confused as to why I reverted back to Hinamori from Momo, since if it has to be in-character, I have to write it as it is. However, since Kiyone and Isane are siblings, I used both first names instead so as not to create confusion between the two. I wanted to write Nanao as Ise, but I keep on hearing Kyoraku Taicho call her as Nanao-chan, so I have to retain calling her Nanao in my fic. Sorry about the confusion (if any) and I hope this one is okay.

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"Kusajishi fukutaicho?" Soi Fon asked sternly. The said fukutaicho was too preoccupied with her eyeing the jar of honey to listen that Soi Fon felt like repeating herself. "Kusajishi fukutaicho!" she shouted.

This act finally succeeded in rousing Yachiru from her own thoughts. "Huh? What is it?" Yachiru asked absently as she casually looked at the scarves that was now lying at foot of a shell-shocked Hinamori Momo. " 'Scuse me, midget!" she said gaily as she stepped over the lap of a likewise stunned Rukia to get to the other side of the sofa.

The other women were likewise in a slump after Yachiru's gift.

Yes, there was a certain term that can be used for that… anti-climactic… disappointing… frustrating.

Yachiru's revelation of the 'importance' of her gift gave of a feeling…

Imagine being in the throes of passionate and explicitly sexual acts and just not having an orgasm.

Imagine being successful in seducing the guy you have been fantasizing about in months, resulting in many cold showers… then finding out at the last minute that you got your period while you were preparing to screw his brains out while in the washroom.

Now double that feeling - THAT'S what most of the women felt. Of course, some of them were just too embarrassed to be caught THINKING about other uses of honey, aside for food consumption.

It was a gift from a little girl, damn it!

"Please answer my question truthfully." Soi Fon had been the Taicho handling the SMC, and she was expected to be curious and attuned to things that were hidden – intentionally or otherwise. There was something in her gut that was telling her that the pink-haired fukutaicho was hiding something. "Tell me, just WHAT did Zaraki-Taicho tell you about sex?"

Everyone stopped to look at the two.

"Eh? Soi Fon?" Yoruichi asked.

"Pardon, Yoruichi-sama, but I think that something is WAY off here. The answer, if you please, Kusajishi-fukutaicho."

Yachiru reached the scarves. She grabbed one and sat back on her heels to toy with it. Unlike other shinigami, she was not fazed with Soi Fon Taicho's I-WILL-KICK-YOU-IN-THE-NADS-IF-YOU-PISS-ME-OFF look. "Um… well, Ken-chan told me that sex was a sort of activity that can only be done when you're old enough. He said never to talk about it aloud." Then, she added in a conspiratorial whisper as she looked at the women, "Because you can get hit by lightning; which is why it wasn't mentioned at our barracks. But I thought that since we were indoors, we can't get hurt."

At the surprised and shocked looks on their faces, Yachiru gasped loudly. "Oh my, you don't know about that too? No wonder midget here has problems regarding sex. I don't think many people know about the lighting thing. My goodness, we really have to discuss about it soon! It is the duty of the Shinigami Women's Association, and as its president, I have to make it our first priority!"

Yachiru pondered for a while, putting her chin on her palms as she sat there on the carpet. "We should do that posters and fliers thing like last time when we had a bake sale and invited many, many, people." She nodded in satisfaction, imagining the number of innocent people trooping over to get educated. "Of course we'll be posting that all women are required to attend a lecture on sex too. I think I have time to discuss about the lightning hazard – only on mornings though. I still have to go play with pachinko head and peacock brow in the afternoon and evening. I'm planning on having a tea party, I get to eat them 'coz I'm the cannibal! I wonder if their livers will taste good with sweet and sour sauce, just like that duck that Ken-chan killed…" Yachiru mumbled, drool forming at the corner of her mouth. "Yeah, sweet and sour sauce with candy! Plus I get to roast them over hot coals!"

Suddenly, she stopped from her rambling to remember the original topic. "Naturally, the posters should be colorful and we should also draw the vibra-thingie… Kitty woman and Bun haired girl, both of you are in charge of the posters. But you still have to explain the finger thing and why we use whips, okay?"

The fukutaicho of the 11th division laughed at her apparent creativity. "I'm also thinking of painting walls with the words: 'SEX AND THE FINGER: WOMEN SHINIGAMI LOVE IT! And GET YOUR FREE SEX TOYS IN EXCHANGE FOR CANDY' in pink, of course." she said, raising her small hands to mime the formatting of the words on an imaginary board.

Nanao looked nervously at Unohana Taicho who now had a worry crease on her forehead.

"I think Ken-chan has limited ideas though, I never knew about libidos and stuff; can someone explain it properly, so I can tell him?"

Oh dear, they had just corrupted the mind of Kusajishi Yachiru

"We are SO dead." Kiyone said in a strangled tone, imagining the wrath of one Zaraki Kenpachi raining down on them. Sure, her own beloved taicho was strong, smart, brave, powerful... and handsome, but will diplomacy be enough to stop a Zaraki Taicho on a warpath? Kiyone shuddered, if she died, that booger-faced Sentaro would be the only one serving her Taicho... oh the horror!

Suddenly there was a scream that pierced the heavy tension in the room.

Everyone immediately stood up to see Matsumoto spring up from behind another sofa. "You goddamn lecher!" she screamed as she kicked at something that was on the floor. "Nemu, Urahara got you a defective modsoul pill! This one IS a fucking pervert and he grabbed my boobs!"

Everyone gaped as Kuchiki Byakuya – or the gigai – stood up and threw his arms around Matsumoto, rubbing his face against her breasts, an expression of bliss seen on his face. "Ah…" It sighed. "Wonderful, wonderful!"

"Whoa." Came the collective gasp. "It DOES look like Kuchiki Taicho…"

Of course it did; but it was really eerie to see 'Kuchiki Byakuya,' the stoic marble god of Seiretei act like a raving and perverted lunatic. It was an absolute turn-off.

Yes, Kuchiki Byakuya's appeal lies in his cold, aloof, and detached manner. To see him go at a woman's breast would ensure him a lot of kicks and punches, despite the fact that he was drop-dead gorgeous.

Suddenly 'Byakuya' spotted Rukia. "Nee-san!" It cried loudly and in ecstasy, springing towards her and grabbing her in a bear hug. "Oh nee-san, your valley of loveliness is a wellspring of comfort! Despite not having such huge mounds of heavenly body parts, I will always have a fond spot for your small –

Rukia immediately gave the gigai a punch to the head, sending him on the floor. "KON?" Rukia seethed, realizing just which modsoul was now in a gigai that resembled her Nii-sama "You pervert!" It was unsettling really, to see your brother act like a complete pervert, and then grab you to cop a feel of your boobs. "How the hell did you get in here? How could you pick the perverted one, Matsumoto?" she cried accusingly. God, she was sure to have many nightmares about this in the future.

The women stood rooted to where they were. Yes, this was just the reaction that happens when one watches a particularly riveting and numbing Asian horror flick. That despite the horror, the fear, and the overall creepiness, people would still insist on watching it in the dark and praying that it would not be remade by Hollywood. No way would they be able to look at Kuchiki Byakuya taicho straight on ever again without remembering this disturbing scene.

No freaking way.

"There was only one pill in that pouch!" Matsumoto fumed. "Why is that pervert here?'

"Get the glove!" Yoruichi ordered, as 'Byakuya' now leapt to Inoue, giving her a hug as well.

"Orihime-san!" Kon cried out, trying to burrow his face against her huge chest. The poor Inoue was rendered speechless with shock.

Soi Fon immediately ran and went on all fours at the carpet, trying to get the glove. It was unfortunate that no one bought their own glove, thus they had to rely on the one that was given by Urahara.

"PERVERT!" Tatsuki screamed, as she kicked Kon off Inoue.

Kon was able to regain his balance, and it then ran off to Hinamori. "You're cute! Let's go on a date!"

Hinamori was blushing furiously, but was unable to say anything.

Kon then grabbed Hinamori and gave her a kiss on the cheek

Kiyone threw books and magazines at the gigai "Get away from her!"

As Kon dropped Hinamori, and the other fell to the floor unconscious; probably brought about by the daze of being kissed by someone who looked like Kuchiki Byakuya. Well, it wasn't everyday the hottest man – or someone who looked EXACTLY like him – in Seiretei would kiss you, right?

"Yoruichi-sama, I can't find the glove!" Soi Fon cried out as she, Nemu, and Isane were all now on fours, looking for the glove.

"He must have taken it!" Yoruichi cried out as she flash-stepped towards Kon and attempted to look for the glove.

"Hehe!" Laughed Kon as he copped a feel off Yoruichi's ass before he somersaulted away from her, taking care to avoid the goddess of flash by jumping around the room. "This gigai is VERY well made! It makes it easier for me to use my leg power! I can do flips and run twice as fast now!"

"Yes," Nemu said in monotone, "Mayuri-sama is good."

"Byakushi!" cried Yachiru, jumping at Kon's back. "We have to talk about you marrying me!"

"Ack!" Shouted Kon as he tried to dislodge Yachiru from her death grip on his hair, "Only if you're three feet taller and you have big boobs!"

Rukia glared at Kon. "Stop disgracing my Nii-sama that way!"

Kiyone turned to call Soi Fon, "Soi Fon Taicho! The gigai placed his hands on Yoruichi-san!"

"WHAT?" shouted an enraged Soi Fon who fumbled with the pockets of her dress to look for her soul candy dispenser.

"Out of the way." Matsumoto said as she hurled the table towards Kon. As the modsoul was able to step aside, the table hit the wall hard.

"Was that insured?" Karin asked Inoue. After all, the 'table' Matsumoto just threw was an antique desk that was over 100 years old.

Suddenly, there was a crackle of light. To their surprise, Nanao was already in shinigami form beside her gigai. "Leave this to me." She said seriously, as she threw a blast of kidou towards Kon.

The women then quickly returned into their shinigami forms. "Really, Matsumoto, you just HAD to put the pill into the gigai, didn't you?" Rukia snarled as she dug into her handbag for the soul candy dispenser.

"Unare, Haineko!" Matsumoto said in a calm voice that meant death to the target.

"Yikes!" Kon shouted as he jumped up to avoid the ash particles. He quickly dashed towards the window. Behind him, the poor chair that was innocently placed there earlier was reduced to ashes.

"There goes a part of Inoue-san's dining set." Mused Karin as she watched the spectacle happening around her and Yuzu.

"DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!" Soi Fon screamed as she rallied the other women who now had their Zanpaktuos out and ready for bloodbath.

"Darn, he just looks too much like Kuchiki-Taicho…" Kiyone mused as she also took after the modsoul.

Realizing that he had to get considerable distance between himself and the angry mob, Kon immediately latched onto the nearest person, so he could bring her outside as his hostage or as a shield.

That person just happened to be Rukia who had just found her chappy soul dispenser. Unfortunately, the jarring movements made her drop her dispenser, rendering it useless.

"LET GO of me, Kon!" She shouted, flailing about.

But Kon paid no heed and he jumped out the window with Rukia pounding on his head with her fists.

"Nee-san! I promise to be your slave if you keep those women away from me!" he cried in desperation as he locked her legs to prevent her from kicking him. "OUCH!"

"Oh no, you're in trouble, Kon –

"PLEASE!" He shouted desperately. "I'll do ANYTHING!"

Instead of heading off to the rooftops like what he often did, Kon decided to run along the alleys and use the road. It was a bad move, but Kon wanted to buy some time to talk to his nee-san and beg to be given assistance. Was it wrong to just want to know how it would feel like to get laid?

"Anything?"

"Anything Nee-san." He whimpered piteously, reduced to selling his soul (a modified one) to the merciless angel that was Kuchiki Rukia.

Rukia pretended to think about it for a moment. "Well, okay, I guess."

"Thank you, Nee-san," Kon cried, as he burrowed more against Rukia.

"If you don't let go of me now, Kon; I will personally kill you." Warned Rukia, giving the modsoul a severe glare.

"Will you please let me enjoy this too?"

Rukia did hit him harder this time.

Suddenly, the two collided against a similarly running figure. "Crap!" Cursed Kon as he and Rukia were thrown back.

"BYAKUYA?" The voice cried out in disbelief. "What are you doing here?" How did he get here so fast, and why was he wearing a tuxedo?

"Ichigo!" Rukia cried out, as she saw her fiancé.

Ichigo peered. Who was that person under Byakuya? "Rukia? What are you two doing here?"

Rukia shoved Byakuya aside roughly and kicked him. Ichigo had to blink several times to make sure that he was seeing right. Why would Rukia kick her brother? And why was Byakuya latched onto his sister that way? What was even weirder was the look of pain that flashed across Byakuya's face.

No way - Byakuya did not do facial expressions.

"Don't think I'm done with you yet, Kon!" the shinigami said darkly.

"KON?" Ichigo cried out as he looked at the modsoul. "Wait; don't tell me, that's someone's gift for you, Rukia?"

Rukia turned to face Ichigo, "How did you guess? Never mind," she gritted out, "I have an idea."

Suddenly, Ichigo grabbed Kon by his coat lapels. "And why were you holding on to Rukia like that?"

"Ichigo…" Whimpered Kon, "Save me from those women!"

At the questioning look that Ichigo gave her, Rukia decided to explain, "He tried to grope the others."

"No shit."

"There he is!" Soi Fon's cry was heard as she landed in front of them. Suzumebachi held at the ready.

"Nee-san… you promised…" A trembling Kon – or Byakuya, whatever you want to think – said fearfully.

"Ichigo, hand me your license." Ordered Rukia, holding out a hand.

Wordlessly, Ichigo passed it to Rukia, who used it on the gigai so she can remove Kon. "Mayuri-fukutaicho?"

"Yes, Kuchiki-fukutaicho?"

"Please take the gigai."

"Wait." Matsumoto said as she eyed the exchange. The pill was then placed into the stuffed doll that Nemu brought. "What about the modsoul?"

"I will deal with it myself, so please don't do anything to him." Promised Rukia, "I assure you, his punishment will not be light."

Kon visibly gulped as he saw the menacing look in Rukia's eyes.

"Now you're done for." Ichigo said smugly as Kon shook from fear. Truth be told, Kon did not get the easy way out. By the time Rukia was done with him, Kon would be wishing that she handed him over to Matsumoto.

"Thank you for the wonderful evening, everyone." Rukia said pleasantly, reverting back to her high school girl persona.

"Don't worry about it," Nanao said, "We will make arrangements to deliver the… stuff."

"Stuff?" echoed Ichigo in confusion.

"ICHIGO!" A voice thundered out.

"Aw Shit!"

Yachiru jumped up and down "Ken-chan, over here! Over here, Icchy's here!"

As quickly as possible, Ichigo used the shinigami license on him and Rukia. Ichigo then threw Kon to Yuzu who just arrived. "Here, take him and our bodies home; we gotta run, Zaraki's here."

"Huh?" Rukia asked "We?"

Without another word, Ichigo grabbed Rukia and flash-stepped out of the area.

Yoruichi chuckled.

"Eh?" Karin asked, "What are you laughing at?"

"Don't drive all the way to Hongo, Karin." The older shinigami said. "Bring those bodies to your house instead. Ichigo wasn't very clear with his instructions."

Matsumoto looked at Yoruichi for a while before she too had a smile on her face.

Suddenly, Zaraki arrived. "Where's Ichigo?"

"You just missed him, Ken-chan!" Chirped Yachiru, "He went out so fast!"

"Damn! Which way did he go?"

Slowly, the women decided to slink away.

"What are Rukia's gigai and Kurosaki's body doing here?" Byakuya asked in freezing tones as he stepped in and saw Yuzu and Karin holding the bodies.

Matsumoto, Nanao, and Isane hurriedly stepped together so they could hide the gigai Nemu was holding behind them while Soi Fon hurriedly wrapped a scarf around its head, to hide the face and hair from Byakuya's view.

"Hey, Byakuya-bo." Yoruich greeted cheerfully, suspiciously too cheerful, in Byakuya's opinion. "So, what brings you here at this hour?"

"I am looking for Rukia." Byakuya explained, "I heard Kurosaki mention about needing to get to her immediately."

Yoruichi chuckled again. "Couldn't wait, huh…"

"Excuse me?"

"Ah, never mind, it wasn't important."

Byakuya made a move to leave, but he spotted something. "Yoruich, what is that thing behind –

"It's NOTHING!" Everyone said, laughing nervously.

"Byakuya Taicho." Unohana said who had the absolute knack of arriving just in time, "Would it be too much of a burden to ask you to escort me back to Seiretei?" Times like these, diversions were needed and Unohana realized that she was the only who could ask of a favor from Byakuya without being treated indifferently.

The Kuchiki noble looked at the 4th division healer for a moment. "It would not be a bother, but an honor, Unohana Taicho."

The women all squelched the desire to sigh in relief.

"Isane, please take care of my gigai for me. Also, would you please assist Hinamori fukutaicho? She would need a moment's rest before heading back to Seiretei."

"Of course, Taicho," Isane replied.

Byakuya was silent as he held out his arm to Unohana. Well, being polite was ingrained in him, making it natural for him to be chivalrous – when he wasn't busy giving them condescending looks. However, Bayakuya felt a twinge of curiosity, and Unohana Taicho just might be the one to shed some light into it. He formulated a way of asking her the question without being too direct.

Did Ukitake Taicho really run through all the women back in the Shinigami Institute? Oh no, he was just curious, seeing as Ukitake Taicho had just as much admirers as him. If such a thing can be taken to advantage, Byakuya would be grateful to have the women off his back and on to Ukitake's instead.

Everyone visibly relaxed when Byakuya and Unohana went on.

Matsumoto and Nanao lifted up the gigai. "I can't believe this evening." Matsumoto groaned.

"Like it's not your fault."

"Ken-chan," Yachiru piped up, her small voice piercing in the silence "What's a libido?"

Zaraki stopped in his tracks. "What?"

"A libido? And urges? What does that have to do with you know, the thing-that-we-can't-say-in-public-or-we'll-get-hit-with-lightning? Why do women use their finger? What's a vibrator? Midget-chan was told to tie Icchy too, you know like what you guys do back in the barracks. Remember, when peacock hair was crying and moaning so loud? Maybe we can borrow the whip Soi-Soi gave midget-chan too, that will really give the guys something to scream about!"

Times like these, it really paid to be the goddess of flash. Thought Yoruichi as the women all scampered away, her included.

"You want to know about WHAT?" Zaraki's voice echoed angrily. "And what do you mean, Kuchiki fukutaicho wants to torture Ichigo?"

A man in pink laughed silently from behind the shadows.

"Poor Zaraki Taicho." Ukitake muttered.

Kyoraku looked at his long time friend seriously, "Yare, Jyushiro, if you weren't so slow, we could have reached Unohana before Kuchiki Taicho."

Ukitake gave the other man a miffed look. "And why should we reach Unohana Taicho first?"

"I wonder how long you'd put up with that." Chuckled Kyoraku. "It's been hundreds of years, Jyu-chan. She doesn't have roommates anymore; you ran out of excuses to visit her at home LONG ago."

"Unohana Taicho is my friend, fellow shinigami, and doctor!" Ukitake said hotly as they headed back to soul society.

"And they say it took Ichigo-kun and Rukia-chan a long time to dance around their issues."

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In record time, Ichigo and Rukia reached their residence in Hongo.

Rukia kicked Ichigo on the shin so she could be set down on the ground. "What was that for? Do you mind explaining to me as to why you flash-stepped all the way here and just left your gigai to your sisters? I mean, honestly –

All of her words were drowned as Ichigo pulled her to him and kissed her on the lips fiercely. At first, Rukia was surprised, but she was soon matching his ardor with hers.

Without breaking the kiss, Ichigo and Rukia fumbled their way into the manor. It was easier to do when you were in your soul form, of course.

Rukia shoved Ichigo against the wall as she continued to kiss him.

Ichigo pulled her against him, kicking of his footwear at the same time.

"Damn, you're horny." Rukia muttered against his lips, amused.

"Damn right." He replied harshly, clumsily trying to undo the knots of her shinigami robes. Which was difficult actually, as she was slipping her hand inside his hakama.

"We're not going to make it upstairs if you don't move now." Rukia warned as she nibbled on his lips.

"Do you really WANT me to stop?"

Rukia did not give a second's worth of hesitation. "The carpet looks comfortable."

Suddenly the lights went on. "FINALLY!"

Ichigo and Rukia suddenly sprang apart, as if a menos dropped between them. Both were painfully aware of their er… state of dishevelment, as their shinigami robes were rumpled and their hair were mussed. Rukia hastily tightened the knot on her robe as Ichigo stepped in front of her and glared at the intruder.

"OLD MAN?" Ichigo shouted as he spotted his father standing from across them.

"Dropping the old act already, eh Isshin?" A new voice joined in.

"Urahara!" Rukia exclaimed, popping out from behind the tall Ichigo.

Isshin smiled in wry amusement "As much As I want I want them to go on, I really don't want to watch them fumbling and bumbling in front of my eyes. That would be… weird."

Ichigo shot his father a dark glare. "You have a lot of explaining to do." He said angrily, remembering the infamous bomb that the other shinigamis dropped on his head. If he had to, he would beat the crap out of Isshin just so he would tell him everything he wanted to know. Aside from that, his old man had a lot of explaining to do about the ideas he gave Inoue and the others.

"I know!" Isshin said, raising his hands in embarrassment. "It's all my fault, I know!"

Well, at least Isshin knew he did something wrong. But that doesn't mean that he was off the hook.

"I know I owe the two of you explanations."

"Overdue ones." Ichigo gritted out.

Isshin shrugged, "Fine, overdue ones. Geez, Ichigo! How could you not know and find out for yourself?"

Well, Ichigo almost hit his father then. How was he to know that Isshin was a former Shinigami taicho? It wasn't like he transformed in public, right? Besides, he had a gigai that hid his reiatsu. The idiot really pulled the wool all over them. Yes, he was guilty, both him and Urahara.

"No excuses, stupid old man. You've got explaining to do."

"There's some tea in the living room." Urahara muttered.

"Which one?" Rukia asked absentmindedly.

Urahara gave her an exasperated look. "The one nearest the kitchen of course. Seriously, you have way too many rooms in your house. I mean, four living rooms, one two dining rooms, a big-ass kitchen larger than my shoten, a library, an office, a master suite, ten bedrooms with baths, a music room, an observatory, and a GALLERY? How do you not get lost, Kuchiki-san?" he bemoaned in exaggeration, waiving his hands in the air.

"Well excuse my brother for giving us this house."

Isshin gaped at his future daughter-in-law, "Rukia-chan, this is not a house, this is a palace."

"A manor." The two corrected at the same time.

"This is no way near Byakuya's home at Seiretei. Actually," Ichigo asked Rukia, "How in the world are we to clean this place again?"

"I could give you some gigais and a couple of modsouls, Kurosaki-kun! With a large discount, nonetheless!"

At the words gigai and modsouls, Ichigo's temper flared again. "We have to talk about your gigais Sandal-hat."

"Do you know that many Taichos are now aware that you made modsouls?" Rukia asked archly. "If this reaches the Sou-Taicho…"

"I'll give the modsouls and gigai for free, Kuchiki-san." Urahara said immediately.

"But…" Ichigo started, didn't the Sou-Taicho know about it already?

Quickly, Rukia stepped on his feet to keep him silent. If Urahara was giving the modsouls for free, who was she to refuse him? It wasn't really their problem if the Sou-Taicho discovered it, anyway.

Isshin sighed, like a kid told that school was starting early, "Come on, it's getting really late and you two better hear me out before you… continue whatever it was you were trying to do."

Guiltily, like two teenagers caught doing something forbidden, the two followed Isshin quietly.

"What's this about?" Rukia whispered to Ichigo.

"My old man's a former shinigami."

"What?"

"He's supposed to have been a taicho as well."

"He's WHAT?"

Ichigo frowned thoughtfully, "You know, that expression really does look stupid…"

WHAM!

"Ouch, damn it!" cursed Ichigo as Rukia hit his face with her fist.

Luckily, they went unnoticed, as Isshin was lost deep in thought while Urahara was still grumbling at the size of the 'manor.' Probably wondering if he could ask Byakuya to sponsor his new training room. Wait; did Ichigo and Rukia already have a training room in the first place? They were bound to need it sooner than later if they planned to have kids.

Of course, Urahara wouldn't let it slip that he was commissioned by a certain starched-shirt noble to make a gigai similar like Isshin's, for his soon-to-be-married sister. The main difference was that it was capable of bearing a child for a regular gestation period. A really good thing, since the husband was alive and kicking while the wife was well… technically dead and all. Well, the downside was that he was still nowhere near making it capable for the mother to be in soul form during the pregnancy. The scientist in Urahara began to drool as he imagined on just how powerful those two's kids could be. I mean, look at his friend Isshin, he had a hard time enough against the energetic bastard, and the man was lucky enough to get such a powerful offspring.

When they reached the living room, Isshin pointed to the sofa. "Sit and stay quiet. Okay, so listen well."

"Some tea?" Urahara asked, indicating to a tray filled with snacks and tea.

"Thank you." Said Rukia as she helped herself to some.

Suddenly, Isshin bought out a familiar whiteboard marker that made Rukia frown slightly.

"Okay, so let's start at the beginning shall we? So, when a man and a woman decide to have sex, this is –

"WAIT! Time Out!" Shouted Ichigo, raising his hands up in the air, as Rukia looked indignantly surprised. "What the hell are you discussing?"

Isshin looked blankly at his son. "Sex, of course. I'm here to help my two virginal siblings into their initial foray into the wonderful and titillating world of sexual encounters!"

Rukia spat out her tea in surprise, it just was really disturbing to hear Isshin still call them as siblings.

"I suppose that I was a bit late in realizing that you were completely clueless son." Isshin said magnanimously. "But I'm sure we can cover all the bases tonight – and then some."

"Yes," agreed Urahara. "The knowledge of sex is one of the things you can never forget even if you celibate for a while; it's just like riding a bike, Kurosaki-kun!"

Isshin chortled, "Kisuke here should know; Yoruichi left him in the middle of it once. You should have seen him act like a raving maniac a week later after she came back! He had to boot me out of his shop in a second! It was a scene out of a porno flick!"

"That's better than being booted out of the bedroom by your wife for two weeks!" Urahara retorted, pointing at his old friend. "You should have seen your father whimpering, "Masaki… Masaki… what will I do at night?" Urahara looked at Ichigo, "You know what your mother said?"

Ichigo covered his ears in disgust and embarrassment. "There is NO WAY I'm listening to that!"

He tried to leave, but his old man was faster. Isshin was able to take hold of Ichigo by the shoulders and push him onto the sofa once again.

"Come on Ichigo, that was how you were conceived!" an affronted Isshin said. "If it wasn't for your mom going on a roll with her rarely seen temper, I would have probably attended a medical conference, and you WOULDN'T have been born! Then Rukia-chan here wouldn't have met you, since you were an unplanned baby, Ichigo. We wanted to wait for another year to have our first kid and all! Don't you at least want to know how it happened?"

Beside him, Urahara nodded enthusiastically. "That would be an interesting topic for Show and Tell, Isshin!"

"Exactly, Kisuke." Isshin agreed heartily. "So anyway, I was there pounding at the door, offering Masaki wine and a massage as a way to say sorry –

"SHUT IT!" growled Ichigo as he grabbed his father in a headlock "NOT ANOTHER WORD!"

Sure, there are many mysteries in the world that we all try to pursue; but the real, uncut, and uncensored version of our conception is definitely not one of them. Neither would it be right to even accept the IDEA of your parents having sex… that is one of the most disturbing things a person has to avoid thinking.

Isshin scoffed as he used a move to escape from his son's hold with ease, "Oh come on; sex is a normal thing, son." He said; shaking a finger at Ichigo's face as if scolding a naughty kid caught stealing cookie. "Sure its all okay to be embarrassed when you're ignorant, but once you experience it, you'll be hooked on it!"

To Rukia's everlasting mortification, Isshin placed a large hand on her shoulder. "I know you've got hormones too Rukia and thank you for not encouraging my clueless idiot for a son here; but maybe you should have shown a bit of initiative too. You should have worn sexier lingerie so he'd be happy everytime you flashed –

"I do not flash people with my underwear, Kurosaki-san." Came her frosty reply.

"Call me DADDY!" cried Isshin. "Wait – you didn't flash him intentionally?" at the irate look on his future daughter-in-law's face, Isshin looked back at his son. "So all those times you took cold showers after doing your homework with Rukia-chan, she wasn't aware that she was turning you on?"

Rukia turned to look at the blushing strawberry. "Cold showers?"

"It's NOT what you're thinking!" he retorted angrily. "I wasn't looking up your skirt or anything –

"Perhaps you were imagining her underwear then?" Isshin supplied helpfully.

"AM NOT!" Shouted Ichigo. "What? Can't I take a bath in the afternoon?"

Interesting, Rukia thought to herself. Whenever they got home, Rukia would immediately do her homework with Ichigo (translation: bully him into doing it while she read manga on his bed) before she went out to buy the latest Chappy merchandise and shoujo manga from the allowance that Isshin gave her. At first Ichigo went with her to these trips, but soon he was delegating the responsibility to Inoue and Tatsuki so they could spend time together like normal girls.

Up to now, Rukia believed it this was Ichigo's way of making sure she fit in with the living world more in preparation for them going to college.

"Wonder where he got that prudish behavior." Urahara asked Isshin, "I mean, I know that you were a sex maniac –

"Connoisseur, Kisuke." Isshin corrected amicably, smiling fondly at the memories of their youth.

"Yes, and well, Masaki was no shy, naive Victorian miss either. I remember that when the two of you were dating, not even Yoruichi could faze her with explicit, downright perverted and graphic jokes that could make a man blush; so why is Ichigo acting like an old lady who got menopause without ever getting laid?"

"Beats me." Isshin said in displeasure. "I was expecting him to jump Rukia-chan back in high school; the boy really knows how to disappoint. And here I was thinking we didn't need to bring him to that brothel. Shinigamis still love that place!"

Across them, Rukia clenched her hand so hard she broke her china teacup. If these two did not stop…

"Ah yes, the wonderful years of high school."

"Honestly Kisuke, the sexual tension in the house was smothering that I always told Karin and Yuzu to join as many extra-curricular activities as they could and to sleep early so I could give those two an opportunity." Isshin sighed dramatically. "But my naïve, idiotic, painfully shy son would not make a move to even slip his hand under Rukia-chan's skirt."

Uruhara laughed. "You are getting old Isshin, did you forget about their first date?" he tittered.

Suddenly Isshin slapped his forehead in annoyance. "Oh, my third daughter's first date? How could I forget that!" he brightened up considerably. "Caught them making out in his room; but it was the ONLY time!"

Ichigo wanted to kill the two. Were they spying on him and Rukia then? Did they have no idea about the concept of privacy?

Urahara shook his head. "Told you we should have taken advantage of the Two for One promo we were told about. I mean, we could have asked Ryuuken to bring his son over too…"

"Tell me about it!" bemoaned Isshin as if Ichigo and Rukia were not in the room. "What in the world is happening? Why are teenagers becoming more and more prudish every generation?"

"I agree." Urahara said, sighing. "I miss the days where 13 was the age of golden knowledge…I mean, almost 100 years ago, people were expected to marry and have offspring my 15. I remember how people use to come to my shoten, looking for products to enhance performance."

"There is never a day I don't regret letting them use that coupon Kisuke." Isshin sighed dramatically, throwing in a pout. "Too bad the offer expired years ago."

Urahara brightened, "Ara? Wait…" he said, digging inside his pockets. "Ta-da!" he cried, bringing out a small laminated object. "I still have my VIP card!"

"After all these time, you still kept it?" Isshin asked in wonder. "I thought Yoruichi threw that out ten years ago?"

"So did I," mused Urahara. "I was completely innocent, believe me! I haven't been back there since who-knows-when!"

Isshin nodded emphatically, "I believe you, my friend. If my memory serves us right, it has been 50 years to the day…"

Oh god, Ichigo thought; he had two perverts on his case. Was there something he did wrong in his past life to deserve this?

"What do you know!" exclaimed Urahara as he looked at the card with interest. "The membership expires tomorrow! Wow, they're THAT good to still accept this even after two decades. We can offer it to Ichigo…"

"No way!" both Ichigo and Rukia cried at the same time, standing up in indignation.

Rukia threw Ichigo a withered glance. Future father-in-law or not, she was leaving to get some rest. She made a move to leave when Isshin spotted her and held up a hand to stop her.

Isshin looked at the two, attempting to placate them. "Don't worry, you can bring Rukia-can too, they have this couples package for threesomes and all."

Suddenly, Rukia whipped out the released form of Sode no Shirayuki. The sword stood out in all of its pristine, white glory. "First dance…" she started ominously.

Urahara took a glance at the female shinigami and he placed the card back in his pocket hastily, "Maybe not…"

"Did you tell anyone else about this DISCOVERY of yours?" Thundered the red-faced Ichigo after being roused from his shock. No shit, his old man was putting out all the stops. Without Karin and Yuzu's presence, he and Rukia were doomed to die from embarrassment unless they get out now.

However, knowing his father, they would be hounded even in their sleep. Which was why he had to boot them out of the house now.

"No, Ichigo, what kind of father am I to embarrass my son that way? I would NEVER shout to the world that you're still a shy virgin!" Isshin replied, affronted. "Ouch!" he cried as Ichigo kicked him.

"You MORON! Because of you, we were subjected to mental torture tonight! Those frigging people kidnapped me and forced me to watch embarrassing movies and slide shows!"

"What, someone already beat to tell you about the birds, the bees, and the hormones? NOOOOOOO, I'm too late Kisuke!" A hysterical Isshin bawled. Suddenly, he whirled back to face the two, "But wait, are you sure that you were taught about EVERYTHING? Different positions? Sex toys?"

Now, it was Rukia who socked him.

"Rukia-chan!" Isshin cried out, tears falling from his eyes (We know you're faking it, moron; thought Ichigo angrily). "Why? Poppa is just here to help you and Ichigo get it on like rabbits –

"Did you have ANY idea on just what I went through this evening? They even told stuff like that in front of Yachiru fukutaicho! Don't you know that Zaraki Taicho would be after our blood later?" Oh hell, Kurosaki Isshin was really going to get it, fumed Rukia inwardly. The man had no sense of decency and shame! Imagine; he even used rabbits in his disgusting analogy, the nerve!

Isshin looked at Rukia in aghast. "What, Zaraki is still to teach Yachiru-chan the way of life? He's a failure of a father!"

Ichigo immediately took hold of his fiancée and dragged her further away before she could seriously damage his old man.

"Oh!" cried Isshin, "It is a frustration of a father if he fails to educate his children properly. What will Masaski say: That I raised Ichigo to be an idiot? Oh my beloved Masaki!" he wailed loudly as he whipped out another poster of his wife and promptly tacked it on the wall, to the surprise of the unlookers. Really, how was Isshin able to put such a large poster in his pocket without folding and wrinkling it anyway? "What will I do? Should I check up on our daughters to see that they're properly educated? Is it time for Karin and Yuzu to get THE TALK?"

Isshin glanced piteously at Ichigo who was struggling to hold on to his control. "I'm so sorry my son! For a long time that you remained an ignorant and discontented virgin, daddy thought that you were gay!"

Now it was Rukia who was holding back Ichigo from using Zangetsu to bash his father. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I mean, come on, what was I supposed to think? You were hanging out with the guys so much and enjoyed fighting when a lovely and all-too appealing girl like Rukia-chan was hanging out in your closet during evenings?" huffed Isshin as he glared at his angry son while he pouted and wrung the hem of his shirt. "Imagine my surprise to find out that you never even took a peek at her dressing, even once! You also liked BIG SWORDS as well! So excuse me for having the idea that you wanted the feel of something that you already have!"

"I am so going to skewer you!" Ichigo shouted, his face red with anger and embarrassment. Straining against Rukia's arms, waving Zangetsu madly.

Suddenly, Isshin raised a thumb, "But now that's all in the past, son; daddy's here to save your nonexistent sex life! Let me tell you all the basics then tackle on a few advanced stuff before you try anything that can embarrass you to Rukia-chan!"

There were back to square one. How was it that Isshin was able to thwart their plans to get away from him?

"Hell no!"

"Kisuke here has a theory, that you get off on pain? Well, it may be weird, but I assure you, you are not a freak – not much though. I know of someone who has an even weirder fetish…" he trailed, glancing at Urahara.

"Anything wrong, Isshin?" his friend tried to ask pleasantly, seeing the look in Isshin's eyes.

But Isshin said nothing, instead mumbling something that sounded remotely like 'zoophilia' and 'that's just freaking disgusting' while he shook his head, as if clearing mental images.

"God, this is nauseating." Muttered Rukia. Why do they have to get a dose of Isshin's weirdness two days before the wedding?

Isshin faced his son again "Or maybe you like the bondage? There are certain kidou spells that can be VERY useful…"

"SHUT UP!" Ichigo shouted as he tried to push against Rukia who was attempting to prevent him from doing anything rash. "That is NOT what I want you to explain!"

"Oh come on, it's all very easy; it's like playing at the arcade, insert coin into the slot for a good time!"

"AARRGH!"

"Ichigo, your father's a pervert!"

"Oh come on, Kuchiki-san; it's not that scary. Sex can be very pleasurable. I think Isshin should put up the diagram now."

"Splendid idea, Kisuke!" Isshin said as he pulled out a scanned and enlarged image from a certain dirty magazine and posted it on the board. "I'm sure the missionary position will suffice first, eh Ichigo?"

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The next day, a staggering and visibly shaken Rukia went to answer the doorbell. "Karin? Yuzu?"

"Um…hi, Rukia-nee…" Yuzu said haltingly. "We uh… we bought your gigai and Ichi-nii's body."

Karin looked closely at Rukia. "Are you okay?"

"No. We were up all night."

The twins stepped back immediately, their faces red. They immediately took stock at how the shinigami looked. She was rumpled and was still wearing her shinigami robes, though they were askew and crumpled.

Oh god, did the two turn into sex fiends overnight?

Rukia saw the looks in their eyes. "Not what you're thinking." She corrected, "Your father and Urahara crashed in and forced a 'lesson' on us last night. Come in and have some coffee."

Carefully, the two stepped in. They followed Rukia into the kitchen, which was empty. "Your father just left five hours ago. Ichigo's out like a light."

Suddenly, they heard someone ringing the doorbell. "I'll get it," Karin offered; seeing as the other was in no condition to greet anyone. In fact, Rukia looked dead on her feet. Whatever 'lesson' it was that her idiot father forced upon the two last night didn't seem pretty.

As her twin left, Karin decided to cook breakfast for the exhausted shinigami. "Are you off to work?"

"Can't, I'm so exhausted." Complained Rukia.

"So, I won't make coffee, you need to get to sleep ASAP. But first you should eat something. It's bad to sleep breakfast."

"Rukia."

"Nii-sama!" Rukia cried out, waking up instantly, as if someone poured cold water over her and force-fed her strong coffee at the same time.

Byakuya took stock of how his sister looked. The Kurosaki girl did not tell him anything, so he was forced to draw his own conclusions. "What did that Kurosaki do to you?"

"Eh?" Rukia repeated, dumbfounded as the question.

Byakuya knew that he just had to have a word with Kurosaki. If the idiot thought that since he was welcomed into the clan and he was 'informed' by the men on carnal things, he could do whatever he wished with his sister, he has got another thing coming.

"What did Ichigo do to me?" Rukia asked, still confused.

"Not what YOU'RE thinking." Karin drawled. "My father was here and gabbed at them all night."

Byakuya turned back to Rukia. "You need some rest."

"After she eats breakfast, Byakuya-nii." Yuzu said without looking at him, as she was rummaging through the fridge.

Byakuya was surprised to hear Kurosaki's sisters speak so familiar towards him.

"So, Nii-san, what do you like for breakfast?" Yuzu asked again. "Bread or rice?"

"You don't have to cook for me." Byakuya said coolly.

"Oh come on, its breakfast, not a state dinner." Karin said, "Besides, Yuzu's a great cook, you're missing half your afterlife if you don't taste it."

"I want a continental breakfast, please Yuzu…" mused Rukia sleepily. "I want the works: French toast, bacon and eggs, and your macadamia nut pancakes…"

Yuzu smiled happily as she turned back to her preparation, "One house specialty for Ruki-nee, coming up!"

"Well?" Karina asked Byakuya.

"Fine, a continental breakfast, as well. I want to drink that 'brewed coffee' thing as well."

"Four breakfast specials, Yuzu!"

"Sure, give me 30 minutes…"

Soon after, the four of them sat down to eat.

"I really love your cooking Yuzu." Rukia sighed as she ate her breakfast, enjoying how the maple syrup and butter combination tasted on the pancakes.

Byakuya chewed thoughtfully. "Yes, it does taste acceptable."

"See?" Karin said. "By the way, Rukia-nee, we'll be taking you to the spa later; you need a massage, you look so tense."

"How's Hinamori-san, by the way?"

"Took her a while, but she woke up eventually." Yuzu said.

Byakuya looked at the three, "What happened to Hinamori fukutaicho, anyway?"

The girls exchanged nervous looks.

"I think I'll get your gigai from the car!" Karin said, hastily leaving the room.

"I'll help Karin!" added Yuzu as she too left.

"Damn." Rukia muttered to herself.

"Rukia."

"Yes, Nii-sama." Rukia asked nervously.

Byakuya was silent for a while that Rukia thought that she had only imagined him calling her.

"Rukia, do you want me to talk to Kurosaki?"

Rukia looked up in surprise, "About what, Nii-sama."

"About what goes on in the nuptial bed."

Choking on her breakfast, Rukia turned red in the face. Oh god, no – not Nii-sama as well.

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A/N: Whew! You guys have no idea how many times I have rewritten this chapter. Well, I hope to get reviews if this chapter was enjoyed. By the way, Sushi-alphonse was magnanimous enough to create an art of a scene from My Third Daughter's First Date. I hope you guys can check it out at: http://burnedbacon(dot)deviantart(dot)com/art/Duration-and-Restraint-66980061. Leave a message for Sushi if you guys like it. Sushi, thanks a lot!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 – The Talk, Byakuya-Style**

**Summary: ** "Oh for goodness' sake, Nii-sama!" she shouted in a hysterical tone. "We've been going at each other like dogs in heat! Whatever could we be doing alone in the house anyway, Play cards?" An agitated Rukia was now waving her hands in the air, her eyes feverishly bright. "We've been SCREWING each other as if we're crazy, Nii-sama! We did it in the bedroom; in the bathroom; in the kitchen; in the study; in the car; along the staircase; even on THAT chair you're sitting in! We haven't tried fucking it in the swimming pool yet, but maybe we can do that next time!"

**Fiction Rating: **M for certain implied things.

**Characters: **Rukia, Ichigo, Byakuya, Yuzu, Karin, and poor Renji

**Disclaimer:** I'd like to have Byakuya as a brother; imagine how much I could charge women just to get a look at such a hot eye-candy like him. Or at least Kubo so I'd bug him about an IchiRuki episode – who cares if its fan service? Certainly not me.

**SPOILERS: **I took the liberties to assume the NEXT episodes after the HM arc, so if in let's say… a couple of months the ideas don't make sense, remember that this was written in (takes calendar) December 2007.

**WARNING: **A fat lot of nonsense, crack, and random stupidity.

And oh yeah, sorry for the late update, the adult world is catching up on me – fast! Well, this is a SHORT chapter. I just got requests to write and address the issue of Byakuya's lecture to his sister and to really write that Ichigo and Rukia actually did IT. **Laughs** Oh dear, Isshin does seem to influence me a lot these days.

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…

…

"What's Byakuya doing here?"

It was nearly lunch when Ichigo woke up. He was still smarting from that punch that his father landed on his jaw. Fortunately, he was able to retaliate with a kick of his own that was sure to have knocked a few teeth of Isshin's loose. Since he had classes by 2pm, Ichigo felt that he ought to wake up now and fix lunch for him and Rukia.

His surprise was great when he saw Rukia leaning against the wall, her face pale and her body trembling.

Rukia fidgeted nervously as she motioned for Ichigo to lower his voice while preventing him from entering the living room. "Don't show yourself to nii-sama, Ichigo." She said urgently, in a tone that reminded the orange-haired professor about the time his fiancé was taken back to Soul Society.

Suddenly, an unbidden yet dark thought entered his head. "He's not… taking you away… is he? The wedding is tomorrow…" Ichigo suddenly had a vision of showing up to a full chapel without a bride. His hand grasped her shoulders, biting into the pale skin.

Through the small gap in the open door, Ichigo could see Byakuya having tea with his sisters, as if it was an everyday occurrence to do so.

"Ichigo." Rukia hissed, "Get out before nii-sama sees you. By the time he's through, you'll be wishing he took me to Soul Society instead!"

What could be worse than that, thought Ichigo. Did the high and proper Kuchiki Byakuya decide at the last minute that his sister should be wed to a rich noble instead? Maybe, Rukia was in danger and had to be protected; but not since Aizen…

"Ichigo!" a hand shot out to grab his hair.

"Ow!" he hissed, "Watch it!"

"Nii-sama plans to give us The Talk!"

Ichigo paled. Oh god, not from HIM! This was definitely WORSE than facing a slew of Arrancar that was suddenly under the command of Zaraki Kenpachi. Or Kusajishi Yachiru, honestly, he wasn't sure which was scarier.

Without a word, Rukia pushed him out further into the hallway.

"Kurosaki Ichigo."

Shit! Byakuya found out after all.

Rukia's eyes went wide as she squeezed his arm in a grip so tight, Ichigo felt that he was losing his blood circulation.

"Er… Hey, good morning, Byakuya!" Ichigo said in a VERY enthusiastic voice. "Sorry I can't stay, I have classes and all –

"I had Renji call the university to inform them that you were not coming." Byakuya said matter-of-factly.

"Well then, that leaves me time for research!" Ichigo said in a jovial tone as Rukia nodded in agreement.

"Renji has already cancelled any appointments for you."

Finally, Rukia threw open the door "Nii-sama." She said in her important, most respectful, fukutaicho tone, "Ichigo has to do his hollow-patrol duties today." She bowed reverently, "Perhaps some other time?"

But Byakuya just looked at his sister. "I applaud his dedication." He said in a strange tone that said that he knew what was up, but he wouldn't let you know that he knew it. "However, that is already covered. Renji is taking over both of your duties." Byakuya gave the two impassive yet decidedly shrewd looks. "ALL of your duties."

On cue, Renji materialized from a corner.

Rukia and Ichigo gasped.

Renji was wearing a tattered pair of jeans, a white shirt, a pink apron, and a white kerchief tied over the top of his loud red hair. He was holding a feather duster in one hand and a large ladle in the other. "Already aired the bedding, done the laundry, dusted the windows, AND vacuumed the staircase, Taicho!" he said in a disgruntled tone. "I'm in the process of cooking the miso soup."

He looked at the two, as if daring them to say anything.

"Continue with preparing the lunch, Renji."

Renji scowled.

Yuzu stood up. "I'll help you, Abarai-san!"

Byakuya looked at Ichigo's sister. "You don't have to do that, Kurosaki Yuzu. Don't you have classes to go to?"

"Nah." Karin answered for her twin cheekily. "We'd rather not miss this."

Byakuya just looked at the dark-haired twin. This one reminded him of Kurosaki Ichigo too much.

As Yuzu walked out to help Renji, the head of the Kuchiki house called out. "Renji."

"Hai, Taicho." He gritted out.

"Don't forget to make dessert."

Rukia and Ichigo's faces were so red trying to contain their laughter. Without a word, Renji gave them one last glare before he headed to the kitchen with Yuzu.

"Abarai-san, maybe I can find the blue apron for you…"

Rukia latched on to Ichigo's arm as she trembled with mirth after seeing her oldest friend's latest fashion statement. Damn, she should have brought a camera! This was potential blackmail material! Maybe, she could sell it in Seiretei and make a truckload of money for a new Chappy the Bunny plush toy.

Beside her, Ichigo was in a similar state. Seeing his friend and one-time rival dressed like a house-husband made his day.

"Kurosaki Ichigo. Rukia."

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…

…

Ichigo glared at his sister.

Karin glared back.

"Kurosaki Karin." Byakuya said. "I would like to request you to leave."

Ichigo tried to hide a smirk as Karin grumpily left the room.

After they were alone, Byakuya looked at the couple sitting across him.

"I was going to ask you a sensitive question, Kurosaki. However," Byakuya said without preamble. "Certain events have convinced me that such a question is irrelevant."

Ichigo looked at a nervous looking Rukia.

"The actions of the people around you have convinced me not to pursue the subject of Rukia's chastity."

Ichigo, who was about to drink his tea, quickly placed the cup on the table. To have liquid in your mouth at this time was an equivalent of suicide by strangulation.

Looking at the pair who was too stiff to even touch the other's hand, he continued. "Of course, if I have doubts, I can always subject Rukia to our elders' questioning."

"You what?" Ichigo asked weakly as Rukia winced in obvious discomfort.

"Ichigo." Rukia said as Byakuya gave her the 'tell-him-what-he-asks' look. "High-ranking women of nobility are expected to… remain chaste…" she gurgled, as if someone was tying a noose around her neck. "until their wedding night. Once they reach a certain age, they are inspected by the elder females to prove their innocence. Usually, this process is repeated before their marriage."

"You, uh, have been through one?"

Rukia's face flamed but she just nodded weakly.

"Immediately after her adoption, the elders ordered for her inspection." Byakuya said matter-of-factly, as if they were discussing the weather.

"Is it… uh…" Ichigo trailed off, aware that his face was a tad too red for his taste. "A difficult procedure?"

"Not really, if you don't mind being… well, it is embarrassing, but," Rukia muttered, "it's what comes AFTER that will kill you."

"The results are announced publicly to all noble families in Seiretei." Byakuya said.

Now Ichigo was sweating buckets. Beside him, Rukia was trying to remain calm. If Byakuya noticed these things, he made no move to let them know of it.

"Naturally," continued the noble. "The honor and reputation of a family is at stake. If still chaste, the marriage will be met with celebration and congratulations will be sent to both families."

"That's so old-fashioned." Ichigo said, causing Rukia to step on his toes – hard.

Byakuya raised an elegant eyebrow. "I'm aware that this era you live in thrives in debauchery. Rukia's reading materials said that well enough."

"Nii-sama…"

Oh boy, Byakuya found Rukia's indecent manga stash.

"Nii-sama, they were for gathering information about this world…"

Hoping to diffuse the ire of Byakuya from his fiancé, Ichigo decided to ask what he thought was a perfectly logical question. "And what happens if the results are unfavorable?"

Rukia made a strangled sound.

Byakuya stared at Ichigo. "The head of the family is expected to defend the honor of the family."

"Doesn't ANYONE have a say in that?"

Rukia was now twisting her fingers as she made another noise.

The hint was none-too-subtle, as she once again trod on his foot.

"The destroyed souls cannot file for complaints." Byakuya said tonelessly.

Ichigo swallowed, finding the patterns on his teacup suddenly interesting. "I see…"

"Kurosaki Ichigo, do I have any reason to send Rukia to the female elders?"

Deep breathes, Ichigo. Carefully looking at Byakuya in the eye, Ichigo said. "No."

Byakuya looked intently at the two. Any moment now, Ichigo was expecting a shower of deadly sakura petals, or something equally deadly, but Byakuya still said nothing. Turning to the woman beside him, Ichigo now saw Rukia sporting a Kuchiki-poker face that said 'you-will-not-get-anything-from-me-because-I-am-a-Kuchiki-and-therefore-a-hundred-times-better-than-you' perfectly as if she screamed it.

How Ichigo wished he could cultivate it. Unfortunately, his idiot father only had two expressions, the annoying and the default – which was 'stupid.' Obviously, he was not a model parent material.

He was left with no other option but to scowl.

As Byakuya calmly sipped his tea, Rukia shot him a look full of hollow venom that promised to extract retribution the most painful way possible. Through his nose.

"Alright." Byakuya finally said as he placed his teacup back on the table. "Then we will have to move on to my main agenda."

"Main agenda?"

"Yes, to educate the two of you about the responsibilities of the nuptial bed."

Misinterpreting the uncomfortable silence as an encouragement, Byakuya continued. "I would like to ask that you, Kurosaki Ichigo, be very considerate of my sister's state on your wedding night."

Was he asking him to be gentle? Ichigo did not dare ask it out loud.

"I have no idea what the womenfolk told Rukia," Byakuya said to Ichigo "but I know what the men told YOU. If I may say, it is not something that is appropriate to try – for the first time."

Rukia was now turning into a shade of red that was brighter than Renji's hair.

"If only you had servants to assist you in the bath," Byakuya continued. "Three or four for each of you perhaps –

Byakuya wanted servants to assist them while bathing? Ichigo thought incredulously.

"Ser-servants in the b-bath?" Ichigo stuttered uncomfortably. No way he was letting people be in him while taking a bath!

The noble looked at Ichigo with displeasure. "Yes, a bath. A basic requirement in hygiene."

"I KNOW WHAT TAKING A BATH MEANS!"

"Ichigo!"

Byakuya just looked at his sister's betrothed as if he was an uneducated boor. "On the nuptial bed, it is a Kuchiki tradition –

"Woah, Time out!" cried Ichigo, holding up his hands "Tradition? Kuchiki Tradition? She's going to be a KUROSAKI, Byakuya. No way would I do something that YOU did before!"

Rukia gasped at the blatant opposition. Great, her brother would probably kill him now. Too bad, they already booked the reception.

"You presume too much to insult the Kuchiki traditions."

"You presume too much to expect me to follow your sex tips!"

Now would be a good time for tea. Rukia thought faintly, as she poured them all some.

"The tradition of Kuchiki copulation has never been wrong before."

Ichigo stood up, his face red in embarrassment and anger. "I don't give a shit at how many generations followed that stupid tradition, Byakuya. I WON'T do it!"

"Following the tradition to the last steps –

"I'm not listening!" Ichigo said hurriedly, interrupting the other.

But Byakuya would not be deterred. "Ensures a whole evening of pleasurable interlude between the couple."

Ichigo glared. Byakuya stifled a sigh. It was time to lower himself to use crude and modern language. He recalled the translation Urahara gave him. "Both can get multiple orgasms – several times."

Rukia choked on his own spit. "Um… Nii-sama, there really is no need – really; thank you for giving us your time. However, we have already –

"We heard about it from everyone else!" Ichigo said quickly, ignoring the pointed glare Rukia was sending him. "I mean, you pointed it out, right?"

Byakuya looked at his fuming sister who now looked like she wanted to decapitate her fiancé. Obviously the topic was very uncomfortable for her. He sent a short apology to Hisana, since he was forced to educate his impressionable adoptive sister.

Perhaps she never really understood those manga in the first place. Of course, Byakuya had to be sure...

Rukia, on her part was fuming at Ichigo. How dare he? Should this meeting turn sour and Nii-sama would send her back to those damned old ladies, she would personally call the wedding off. He wasn't there when the women practically screamed the results of her first 'inspection' to the people outside. He wasn't there when those women made a show of decorating the entire front of the Kuchiki manor with all kinds of white flowers. He wasn't there when she was brought to a festivity and all that the men talked about was about the latest 'acquisition' of Kuchiki-sama, which was fortunately chaste and pure.

It was the most embarrassing moment of her life.

This time, Rukia shuddered to think WHAT will happen should the unthinkable surface.

"I am aware of what happened last night." Byakuya said simply. "However, people tend to focus more on the advantages and pleasures more than the responsibilities. Marriage to a Kuchiki requires the newcomer to put decorum more than personal needs."

"WHAT?"

Unruffled at the outburst of the enraged man, Byakuya continued with his discussion. "I do not discount that both of you will be highly affectionate, seeing as Kurosaki is governed by his emotions and hormones –

"Hey!"

"- however, I require both of you to be aware of your surroundings when you display such affections."

"Nii-sama?"

"I saw the two of you kissing each other in public the other day."

Rukia turned red. "Nii-sama…" How the hell did he see that? Was he following them?

"That was a highly inappropriate behavior, Rukia. I do not want it happening again. Especially when the two of you are at soul society."

Ichigo stood up in indignation, "Are you saying I can't kiss her even when we're married?" he asked, pointing an accusing finger at the noble.

"I never said anything of the sort. What happens in the bedchamber stays in the bedchamber, Kurosaki."

"Nii-sama…"

Byakuya turned to look at his sister. "A Kuchiki never shows weakness Rukia."

"The hell you'll tell my wife I can't kiss her in public!"

"Wife-to-be, Kurosaki. And I would request any attempts of banging each other in private please."

Rukia dropped her teacup in surprise. She was pretty much used to hear that word from people nowadays, hanging out with Mizuiro and Keigo sure did that; but to hear Nii-sama use the word himself, what was the world coming to?

Ichigo on the other hand was pole-axed, was Byakuya expecting him to just ravish Rukia in public? Sure, his hormones go haywire while the midget shinigami was even 10 meters away from him, but it wasn't like he couldn't control himself! He was a friggin' adult for crying out loud! "Oi! Byakuya, watch your mouth!"

"It didn't occur to me that you were a prude, Kurosaki." Byakuya said, eyebrow raised. "It seems that I should PROPERLY educate you on copulation."

"The fuck!" cried Ichigo, "I don't need your damn lectures! Rukia and I, we –

The noble now turned fully to face his sister's betrothed, who suddenly stopped in the middle of his tirade. Kurosaki had been already digging himself a grave earlier. In spite of his inclination to trust this ex-ryoka, there was a nagging doubt in Byakuya's head that was telling him that something happened between the two.

Of course, if he was wrong, it could cause a potential embarrassment, so Byakuya just let every comment and every interaction between the two go seemingly unnoticed. If there was anything he learned from dealing with Kurosaki Ichigo, it was that he would soon trip all over himself and reveal whatever it was he was hiding. Especially if it was about his sister.

"_**We**_ what, Kurosaki?" Byakuya said softly. If he ever found out that this insolent man debauched and defiled Rukia, he would personally rip his face off and throw him to the 11th division. If Kurosaki survived, Byakuya would kill him himself.

But only after confirming if Rukia was not pregnant, of course.

As Ichigo stuttered, Byakuya turned to face his sister. Rukia's reaction would be the one to verify if the other was lying or telling the truth. Despite her stoic expression, Rukia can NEVER lie convincingly to him. There were always bodily clues that gave her away or aroused his suspicions at least.

"We – we, uh… Rukia and I…" Ichigo stuttered again.

Suddenly, Rukia stood up. "Oh for goodness' sake, Nii-sama!" she shouted in a hysterical tone. "We've been going at each other like dogs in heat! Whatever could we be doing alone in the house anyway, Play cards?" An agitated Rukia was now waving her hands in the air, her eyes feverishly bright. "We've been SCREWING each other as if we're crazy, Nii-sama! We did it in the bedroom; in the bathroom; in the kitchen; in the study; in the car; along the staircase; even on THAT chair you're sitting in! We haven't tried fucking it in the swimming pool yet, but maybe we can do that next time!"

Finished in her tirade, Rukia stood there glaring at him, yet shaking at the same time; her face red with an emotion Byakuya could not identify.

Ichigo was just gaping at his fiancé, his eyes showing his horror.

For a moment, Byakuya said nothing. Then he stood up. "Its obvious that the stress got to her." He said, looking at his younger sister with a guarded expression. "I'd better be going on ahead. Kurosaki, take care of her. I'll go tell Renji that we will be leaving." It was too bad that Rukia was in dire stress; her uncharacteristic outburst was proof enough. Rukia never answered back that way - ever. Byakuya could not blame her, even though he was surprised enough to leave. It took all his discipline not to feel a bit freaked by her reaction.

Maybe he ought to tell Rukia to stop with sarcasm, if he was any other person, he might have interpreted her breakdown and anger as a damning fact.

Then, Byakuya left in a swish of cloths, leaving a befuddled Ichigo and a trembling Rukia in the wake.

"Oh gods…" moaned Rukia, as she fell back on the sofa.

Ichigo turned to his stupefied fiancé. "Are you… alright?" as she shook her head in shock, Ichigo just sat beside her, touching her hand comfortingly.

The two sat like that for a while for a few minutes; one in shock and the other relishing the solitude. Then –

"Well, can't say you weren't truthful to your brother." Ichigo said finally, trying to lighten up the mood "It not like he believed you anyway. You just answered his question."

Rukia glared at Ichigo, "You piece of shit." She said, before she closed her eyes at embarrassment. "No one really takes me seriously. I won't be surprised if he sends someone from 4th division to handle my apparent mental breakdown."

"Look on the bright side, he's out of our hair."

"That's an understatement."

Rukia shook her head, mentally berating herself. "What was I thinking?"

There was a chuckle from beside her. Turning around, Rukia came face to face with an amused Ichigo looking at her. "So…" he trailed, looking at her in an obviously lewd manner. "The swimming pool? Want me to send Karin and Yuzu home, so we could try your brilliant idea?"

There was a resounding slap that broke the moment of silence.

A/N: Hmm. So, did you guys get the point? This is just a short chapter that just made me want to poke fun at Byakuya, Rukia, and Ichigo. I do hope it would be enjoyed. I also hope that this addresses the questions some people have. I don't know about you guys, but I really don't see Byakuya succeeding in giving his sister and future brother-in-law THE talk. That would be just weird in so many different levels.

Reviews are love people. I'd love to get reviews. The last chapter will probably be up next week or so.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 – With This Ring, I Thee Wed**

**Summary: **Isshin grabbed his son by the shoulders and pretended to dust an invisible layer of dirt. "There, there," he said in a stage whisper, in a tone as if talking to a preschooler about to start school alone. "It's no big deal, you can do this Ichigo. So, who's the stud, eh? You are!"

**Fiction Rating: **M for mature content. Lots of swearing and other stuff here. The much-requested 'lemon' scene will also be here.

**Characters: **Rukia, Ichigo and a whole lot of people from Soul Society and Karakura.

**Disclaimer: **The day I get a gigai of Ichigo is the day I own Bleach. Until then, a plushie will suffice. (If anyone interpreted this in a perverted manner, stay away from me, you sicko!)

**SPOILERS: I spoil all!**

**WARNING: **Crack, crack, and even more jaw-dropping crack! Once again a couple of OOC moments can be found here for most of the characters, but I really didn't want to take them out, so bear with them again. Plus, since this is about a wedding, there's a fluff-alert, so please watch out for your blood sugar levels.

…

…

…

Ichigo stood uncomfortably, tugging the bow of his tux. This would have to be the last time he'd wear such an uncomfortable monkey suit. It was a cool day, for crying out loud, so why was he sweating?

"Quit messing your tie, Kurosaki." Ishida hissed, giving the groom a glacial stare.

Ichigo sighed at his best man. "It's darn uncomfortable!"

From the pews across him, Isshin raised a thumb up in salute.

He and Rukia agreed on a modern church wedding, as opposed to the original suggestion of Byakuya to hold a traditional Kuchiki ceremony in Seiretei. Instead of inviting hundreds of supporters, acquaintances, and loyal followers, the two decided to invite only a few people to witness their union. Rukia explained to her brother that she wanted a small and intimate wedding that was simple yet more memorable.

Ichigo took care not to mention that the monkey suit was one thing, but to be paraded like an actual monkey to Kuchiki guests was another.

They only invited family, close friends, and the shinigami taichos and fukutaichos.

As the strings of the wedding march was played, Ichigo stood up straighter. He decided to pay attention to the flowers decorating the church so as to quell the hell butterflies that were running amuck in his stomach.

Isshin's characteristically loud voice was heard sobbing, "Oh Masaki, our son is FINALLY getting married! AT LONG LAST! Now we can look forward to have many, many grandchildren!"

A ping-pong ball courtesy of his son flew across and hit Isshin smack on the forehead.

"Shut it, old man!" hissed Karin, who stomped her heeled foot on her father's shin.

"Ichigo looks like he's going to faint." Renji snickered to Hisagi.

Tatsuki, the one who was – unfortunately – seated between them stifled a long-suffering sigh.

"Bet you he's going to bolt."

"Double says he's going to throw up."

"Ken-chan!" Yachiru's voice was heard chirping, "The dress itches! Scratch it!"

"What the hell are you, five?" Zaraki grumbled.

"Zaraki-Taicho…. You do NOT swear in a church…." Inoue said nervously to the pair behind her.

As per request of Rukia, she would have no attendant, save her brother who would be walking her down the aisle. On Ichigo's part on the other hand, only Ishida – his best man – would be allowed to stand near the altar.

Okay, so it was weird; but it was their wedding, and they didn't want anyone's judgment on that matter. In Ichigo's opinion, if they allowed anyone to get near them during the ceremony, they were sending out signals that they were open to ill-needed suggestions and advices.

After the fiasco with Isshin and the rest of the guests, the couple became adamant about their privacy. This time, the word was out: there would be no interferences on the subject of kids, like when they wanted to have one and how many they wanted to have.

This was all too vehemently pointed out to Byakuya and Isshin last night, when Urahara presented them with a new gigai for Rukia. For Ichigo, the idea of having Rukia and his unborn child vulnerable and defenseless like regular human beings for 9 months was still a sore topic.

Isshin solemnly promised not to mention the matter again… until next year, that is.

The doors were suddenly thrown open and Rukia stepped in, holding on to the arm of her brother.

Suddenly, Ichigo forgot to breathe.

He had to admit, Ishida outdid himself with the wedding dress. The white, off-shoulder spun silk and winter ermine-bordered gown looked like something that a medieval princess – or a snow queen – would wear. It had a simple, clingy bodice, long and tight sleeves, and a full-length skirt with silver embroidery that reached the floor. Wrapped low around her hips was a belt that Byakuya had requested Ishida to. It was made from five strands of small, round diamonds loosely clasped together to a platinum buckle with a blue stone that was set against her left hip bone. Instead of a veil, her gown had a 10-meter long monarch train. In her one hand, Rukia held an all-white cascade bouquet of Phalaenopsis orchids and Stephanotis blossoms. Her dark, shoulder-length hair was brushed and held back by a none-too-simple diadem studded with smaller diamonds.

In true Rukia fashion, the bride did not walk slowly or had a bashful and blushing expression on her face. Instead, she strode purposely towards the altar, head held up high, clear eyes focused unwaveringly at Ichigo, with her brother on tow.

Her movements signified that she was sure of her decision to be with him forever and that she had no hesitations or apprehensions whatsoever. She would accept him – his moods, his strength, his weaknesses. None of these things mattered much to her, if any at all. For as long as he was there, there would be no second thoughts.

She would be his rock, his anchor, and his eternal wife.

Everyone in the church could see that.

Even before she reached the steps on the altar, Ichigo was already in front of her, meeting Rukia halfway. It was his eagerness that amused many, and it was his graciousness towards Byakuya as he inclined his head (regardless of the fact that he was given a hurt-her-and-you-die-over-and-over-again look) in thanks to the protective brother that made some chuckle.

However, it was the way he looked at his bride and held out his hand confidently at her that made the rest smile. There was no missing that appreciative and possessive gleam in his eyes that spoke volumes. Nor did they miss the fact that Ichigo took extra care in assisting her up the steps, as though she was a porcelain doll.

He would cherish her, take care of her, protect her, and love her.

These were their own souls' vows and they never needed any words.

As the couple faced each other on the altar, Kyoraku was amused to discover that his fukutaicho was trying to discreetly wipe the moisture that was building in her eyes.

He handed her a pink handkerchief. "Allergies, Nanao-chan?" he pretended to ask worriedly, giving her an easy way out. Nanao was never the one to show emotions. "Or did it hurt when I stepped on your foot earlier?"

Nanao was silent for a while. "I always cry at weddings." She whispered hoarsely.

…

…

…

There was a clinking of the silverware against crystal goblets as the best man stood up to make his prepared speech.

"I hope to god he says something right this time." Muttered Ichigo to a baffled Rukia.

Ishida looked at the couple before facing the guests. "This is a wedding of two stupid people."

Gasps were heard.

"Listen here, you moron!" Ichigo started hotly, as his wife pulled out a soul candy dispenser from a garter under her skirt. For a while, his attention was riveted as he saw the silken garter against her thigh.

Rukia gave him a look that clearly spoke of a promise of either pleasure or pain, depending on his actions.

"Ishida!" he was able to snap.

"Hold your horses… Kurosakis." Ishida drawled. "As I was saying, this is a wedding of two stupid people who were too blind to see what everyone in this room saw before."

Byakuya discreetly removed his hand from Senbonzakura's hilt.

Ishida glared at Ichigo. "Both were too idiotic to realize just what they felt. I think everyone in Seiretei and Karakura knew it first."

The guests broke into appreciative laughter as the newlyweds turned red.

"For normal people, the idea of endearments was to call each other pet names like love, sweetheart, and the stuff. For these two, these were 'bitch,' 'stupid midget,' 'idiot bastard,' and 'moron.'

"I am so going to kill Ishida." Ichigo gritted angrily as the guests laughed loudly, embarrassed at being put on the spot.

"I got first dibs on decapitating him." Came Rukia's terse reply.

"And heaven help those who dared to mention that they had feelings for each other. These two displayed extreme denial, tremendous anger, remarkable bargaining, extraordinary depression, and finally – the overdue acceptance. Figures, shinigami realize love through the stages of death."

Ishida raised his glasses, "There will be no more talk about children today, for the groom's sake, but Chad expresses his desire to be a godfather – so indulge your friend, Kurosaki." He said, looking meaningfully at the two.

"Let's all toast to Ichigo and Rukia: he was willing to lay down his life in hell to die for her, and she was willing to stand up from heaven to live for him."

"Ichigo and Rukia." They murmured as one.

"Can I have some cake now?" Yachiru called out from somewhere.

…

…

…

It was amidst the full-blown shindig that was enjoyed by the guests that the newlyweds decided to leave.

After Rukia had danced with her brother and father-in-law, Ichigo signaled that they were supposed to leave.

"Nee-san!" Cried Kon, as he flung his small body against Rukia's chest. "Take me with you! Take me with you!"

Ichigo grabbed Kon by the tail and yanked him off his wife. "What did I tell you earlier?" he asked in scorching tones. Karin and Yuzu had caught Kon trying to sneak into Rukia's bags earlier and the idea of that just made Ichigo boil over in anger.

"Let go! Let go! I want to be with Nee-san! Don't take Nee-san from me!" Kon shouted as Ichigo brought him close to his face. Kon tried to kick Ichigo's face but the other just held him a good deal away. "I hate you, Ichigo! You're not taking my Nee-san from me!"

"Ishida!"

"What?"

Ichigo looked at the Quincy. "This one here volunteers to be the model for your latest bridal wear."

Kon gasped "NO I didn't!"

Ishida gave Kon a look. "Well, not my usual cup of tea, but I guess that will do. I'm expanding into a doll clothing line anyway. Let me have him."

"NO!" Shouted Kon, "This is injustice and unfair treatment of stuffed plushies! I'll sue you for everything you own!"

Ichigo smiled darkly. "I'll be wanting pictures, Ishida."

Suddenly, Isshin whizzed by to grab his daughter-in-law in a tight bear hug. "RUKIA-CHAN! Poppa is so glad to have you in his family!"

"Kurosaki-dono… Uncle…."

"Rukia-chan!" Isshin cried, as tears sprang from his eyes. "Why? Why aren't you calling me dad?"

Rukia tried to smile, "Oh, sorry…errr… dad."

Isshin looked at the shinigami. "Remember, kick Ichigo once every morning; just so he remembers that he's married to you; kick him once every evening, so he doesn't think too much about his work; and should you suspect something – like see a lipstick mark on his clothing, or if he buys a new perfume, he might be having an illicit, torrid, and steamy affair – don't forget that poppa is here to help you find that cheap, cunning hussy –

"CUT IT OUT!" cried Ichigo, as he kicked his father on the head, sending him smack down the carpet.

Isshin sat up abruptly, "Hey, don't blame me for being over-protective of Rukia-chan! Newlyweds are more prone to the temptations of the flesh! I promise to be there to help Rukia-chan when she cries and falls into pieces. Of course, the girls and I will find that dirty woman you're having an affair with –

"I am NOT having an affair, nor will I have one!"

"You better not be."

Ichigo froze at the tone. Slowly, he turned his head to see Kuchiki Byakuya looking over his sister's shoulder and giving him a stare so frosty, Ichigo was surprised that he was still breathing.

Rukia was about to open her mouth to speak when she felt someone tug at the sleeve of her gown.

It was Inoue. "Um… Kuchiki – errr, Kurosaki-san – no, it sounds confusing…."

"Rukia will do, Inoue." She said gently.

"Rukia-san," Inoue said. "Good luck…"

"Huh? On what, Inoue?"

Inoue fidgeted uncomfortably, "Well, on the uncomfortable and painful honeymoon…"

Rukia's jaw dropped open as the room fell silent. Unknown to her, the guests were actually waiting for this particular statement to be mentioned.

Urahara sighed – he was wearing a smart-looking tux so as not to embarrass a well-dressed Yoruichi (who had on a coral-colored dress with a gravity-defying bodice, by the way), but he still wore his geta sandals and hideous bucket hat. Without another word, he forked out a wad of cash and tossed it out to Isshin's waiting hand.

"Beat that, Matsumoto." The gloating voice of Hitsugaya was heard echoing across the room, "You lose; that means extra paperwork and overtime for a week."

"But Taicho!"

Isshin grabbed his son by the shoulders and pretended to dust an invisible layer of dirt. "There, there," he said in a stage whisper, in a tone as if talking to a preschooler about to start school alone. "It's no big deal, you can do this Ichigo. So, who's the stud, eh? You are!"

Ichigo felt like choking on his own spit.

"That's it, my boy!" he cried, giving Ichigo a hearty slap on the back. "Go get her, tiger!"

Nearby, a flaming-faced Rukia wondered just how far the Kuchiki name could dispel any feeling of queasiness. The merits of fainting seemed to be promising, if not for her Nii-sama standing beside her and sending impassive glances her way.

"Loads of luck, Rukia-san! Just remember what we talked about." Inoue called out loudly, ignoring the fact that Tatsuki was pulling on her arm. "Don't worry, we'll be cheering for you! Kurosaki-kun, do your best, ne?"

"Throw the bouquet, Rukia-san!" Hinamori called out.

"Kurosaki-kun better remember about the Sakura analogy." Kyoraku whispered furtively to Ukitake.

Byakuya stepped in front of Ichigo to give him a warning look.

In horror and humiliation, Ichigo forgot the rest of the program, as he stepped to the side. Quickly, he grabbed hold of Rukia's arm and dashed out of the room with her.

"Waaahhh! Ken-chan, midget forgot to throw the bouquet!" Wailed Yachiru; "now I couldn't catch it and get married too!"

Yoruichi chuckled "What do you know," the dark-skinned woman said to herself, amused, "He's in a hurry after all."

…

…

…

It was late evening when Ichigo and Rukia reached the lakefront luxury home where they would be staying for their honeymoon.

The aptly – or unoriginal, in Ichigo's view – named Tranquility Manor was a large, three storey structure done in the Queen Anne style of architecture. It was built on a fairly large property that had 15 bedrooms with baths, a stable, a large greenhouse filled with roses, a swimming pool, tennis and basketball court, an outdoor Jacuzzi, and an observation deck with a telescope. In short, Tranquility Manor was ideal for long vacations and honeymoons.

"Oh god, I can't believe that Inoue just had to say it." Rukia moaned piteously.

"What did you expect?" Scoffed Ichigo, "This is Inoue that we're talking about. It's my old man I can't believe."

Rukia made a move to say something in retort when she spotted the wonderful view of a clear full moon that was reflected in the serene surface of the water. The two had decided to spend their honeymoon in a place that had less people than go to a crowded beach or a noisy casino. After all, shinigami on vacation deserved moments of peace and quiet, and this place was it. Far from the busy streets and away from large crowds, they immediately settled on booking the whole place to themselves.

The caretaker walked up to meet them and she gaped at the opulent gown that Rukia was wearing. The bunched hem was held up to her knees so as not to soil the pristine fur that lined them. Rukia was burdened by such a heavy load and yet Ichigo made no move to help her. "Oh hello, I'm Keiko, welcome to Tranquility Manor. Your things have already been laid aside by the advance party, and everything's all set." She handed Ichigo a set of large keys. "There's already a prepared meal in the kitchens and the master bedroom on the East Wing of the second floor has been prepared and turned down. The staff will be back tomorrow at 6am to cook breakfast and attend to you as well." Keiko smiled, "enjoy your evening."

…………….

"Aren't you supposed to carry me across the threshold?" Rukia asked as they made their way indoors.

"Please," scoffed Ichigo, "like this is even OUR threshold. Besides, I've been lugging you on my back all these years, don't I get a break?"

Rukia smiled sweetly before she hiked up her skirt again and kicked him on the shin – hard. "Oh my, dearest, are you all right?" she asked in an overly sweet voice, laced with sarcasm.

"Midget bitch!" Howled Ichigo as he hopped on one leg in pain.

"Spineless bastard." She retorted in kind as she stomped into the mansion, grumbling about unromantic husbands. Midway into the foyer she stopped dead in her tracks, "Ichigo, WHAT is that?" she asked pointing to a large wood carving of two hideously shaped things that seemed to be wrestling – in her humble opinion.

"No shit." Muttered Ichigo, wincing in pain as he tested his leg. "It's an embarrassing fertility statute."

Rukia raised an eyebrow in distaste as she looked for a note. "Well, it's from Ishida."

"Figures. He's a tasteless idiot."

"He's a renowned fashion designer."

"Just shows what kind of taste the general public has." Ichigo snickered as he picked up a fertility talisman from Renji that was hanging from a post. "Somebody better teach these idiots how to be subtle." He said as he spied several more charms hanging from almost every corner.

"Well it's your fault." Rukia admonished as she frowned at the cowry shells along the tables that lined the walls. Honestly, what was with all these charms and well wishes for, anyway? "You could have just said something to them."

Ichigo gave her a horrified look. "Are you even thinking? Do you have any idea on the kind of uproar we would be unleashing? As if your brother didn't have reason enough to kill me before!"

"My Nii-sama would not be that barbaric!"

"Right." He said in disbelief, "So you think that he wouldn't castrate me if I stepped up to him and said, 'Hey, Byakuya, you know what? I've been doing your sister since our second year in Todai, I hope its all good with you."

"First year; get your facts straight!"

"What difference does it make?" Ichigo paused "First year? Really?"

Rukia gave him a severe glare. "I hope they tidied up other bedrooms for you." She said coldly before marching upstairs.

He gaped back at her retreating form "What?"

"Clean your ears so you can hear well!" she shouted at him.

Ichigo dashed up the stairs, "Don't be an idiot, this is our honeymoon for crying out loud!"

"So? Like you'd even remember this anyway?"

Angrily, Rukia tried the doors to check which one was the master bedroom. Most of her choices were wrong and she marched on in irritation. Honestly, trust a man to forget important occasions. Rukia had a hunch her boorish spouse wouldn't even remember what she wore to the wedding.

"Come on, Rukia, like it was a big deal that I should remember –

"Why not, its not like I forgot."

"But that was the last day of our freshman year at Todai!" he whined, giving his wife an exasperated look. "You weren't even coherent then!"

"Oh so a walk would make you recall? I was drunk and even I remembered it!" Rukia grated out as she finally found the bedroom she was looking for. Wordlessly, she attempted to push Ichigo out after she opened the lights.

"Oh no you don't." He said, planting his hands against the doorpost. "I DEMAND to be let in."

Rukia screeched, "DEMAND? You dare make demands on a Kuchiki?"

"Face it lady, several hours ago you became a Kurosaki." Ichigo said giving her a rare smile.

The small shinigami stopped pushing him. "Don't you dare forget it – moron."

"Like I would – idiot."

The two looked at each other for a moment before Ichigo's hand shot out and grabbed Rukia by the waist and pulled her against him.

"Don't think that for a moment –

"Put your mouth to good use, Kurosaki." Ichigo snarked, as he bought his lips down to meet hers.

Just as passionately as they were arguing, the two kissed each other heatedly. Impatient, Ichigo dragged his wife into the room after kicking the door shut. Quickly, Rukia's hands tugged at the bow around his neck and she expertly unbuttoned the crisp white dress shirt of his tuxedo with just one hand.

"You're getting good at this," said Ichigo as he shrugged off his jacket, "Have you been practicing in my closet again?"

"A Kuchiki… is known for… meticulously… perfecting tasks." She mumbled against Ichigo's mouth, moaning as pulled her up against him. Instinctively, her legs wrapped themselves around his waist. Then, his hand hiked her gown's skirts up so he could run his hands across her legs.

"Well, Kurosakis happen to be fast learners…" he said heatedly as he fumbled with the back of her gown, trying to find the damned zipper. To his surprise and disappointment, he was met with small buttons made from round pearls. "Whose idiotic idea was it was to use buttons?"

"Ishida and Nii-sama. It looks better, actually."

"Sadists." Ichigo growled as he fumbled with the small buttons with little success. "DAMN!"

Rukia pushed him away, "Mind the dress! They cost a fortune!"

"What? I thought it was only a couple of hundred dollars?" He asked in surprise, "I mean the silk may be imported, but –

"Well, I lied." Rukia said as she slid off him. "Triple the cost of our house, Ichigo."

Ichigo stepped back in surprise. "WHAT? But, the budget…"

"Nii-sama paid for it. Honestly, how much do you think that spun silk from Seiretei costs, anyway? The winter ermine fur came from Nii-sama's private collection, so did those rare pearls, and the diamonds."

Wordlessly, Ichigo eyed the belt. "You mean to tell me, they're real? I thought they were made from glass!"

"Moron! This," Rukia said, pointing to the blue stone on the buckle of the belt "is a one-of-a-kind diamond that can only be found in Soul Society."

"No kidding! Where did he get the money to pay for that, anyway?" a baffled Ichigo asked.

Rukia sighed. "They're part of my dowry, Ichigo."

"It's the modern times! You don't need a dowry!" An affronted Ichigo said. The thing that irked him though was the fact that a dowry also served as a financial protection of a bride in the event of a divorce.

That two-faced weasel which was named Byakuya had the gall of lecturing him on fidelity while here he was putting notions of divorce in Rukia's head.

Seeing the building rage in her husband's face, Rukia sighed. "That's precisely the reason why I didn't to tell you about it in the first place."

Ichigo fairly shook in anger. "Why?"

"Because you wouldn't understand… This dowry thing is only symbolic, Ichigo. Nii-sama didn't want to offend you intentionally."

"Is it a symbolism of all that Kuchiki shit and that I can't provide for a noble?"

He really was angry. Rukia closed her eyes briefly, trying to gain some calm. "Ancient history was not your good point back at college, Ichigo." She said wearily. "In the old times, a woman's worth was measured by her dowry. Did you honestly think that Nii-sama would offer my weight in gold, or a hundred heads of cattle?" She honestly hoped that she wouldn't need to explain in detail.

Unfortunately, Ichigo was still not getting it. He was looking at her like she betrayed him and that was just something she couldn't stand. It only forced Rukia to spell it out for him, in blunt terms.

"The elders didn't think that Nii-sama should give anything, who am I anyway, but a Rukongai brat adopted into their clan." She said somberly, looking at a spot on the carpet.

Ichigo just looked at her. What?

Then he realized the implications, and the veiled insult.

Byakuya was making a statement to the elders of the Kuchiki clan. Of all people it was him and Rukia who knew just how much she was considered to be an usurper, an unwelcome member of their noble line. For all their fanatic idealism that nobles were better and the Kuchiki clan was a pure and unmatched line, they stand to lose everything should their clan head die without a son. Then everything that belonged to the Kuchikis will be given to Rukia – a Rukongai bred orphan who had the luck of being adopted into the family. More than a harsh word, or a strong slap, her presence was the biggest form of insult and humiliation to all of the members.

Thus, their treatment of Rukia was that of venomous indifference tinged with envy and greed.

Naturally, in the event that Rukia would get married, the more threatened the clan would be, for the woman they despised would gain a family and a pillar of support to protect her more from the mechanisms of the elders that wanted to use her for their advancement. The moment Rukia would have children spelled disaster for any claim of theirs to the Kuchiki fortune, as Byakuya made it clear that she was his heir apparent.

Instead of forcing Rukia to marry into a noble family to gain acceptance, Byakuya allowed her to marry an ex-ryoka; but he gave a dowry worth more than her weight in gold. "He did it for you."

Rukia shook her head and she gave him a wry smile. "I'm used to it Ichigo; I think he did it for you, so you wouldn't hear anything said about me or my marriage to you."

Oh god, they really were such bastards.

Ichigo forced himself to get rid of the anger. Carefully, he tilted her chin so he could see her face clearly. "Promise me one thing." He asked in a whisper.

"Anything." She whispered back.

"I don't want to meet those bastards – ever. I would really kill them, you know. And that would be a really bad thing in your brother's book."

A small smile found its way onto Rukia's lips. "I solemnly swear."

"Good. Now… get out of that thing; it's too damn delicate for you."

Rukia 'lovingly' gave her husband a hard whack on the head that sent him sprawling all over the plush carpet.

…

…

…

"No, seriously, what are these things?" Ichigo called out as he looked at the huge boxes that were set in the receiving area of their insanely huge master suite.

"They're from my bridal shower." Rukia replied from the bathroom.

Ichigo sat on the carpet and looked at them. Slowly, he tried to pry it open, but a spurt of electric current flowed out.

"I have to warn you Ichigo," Rukia called out again as Ichigo placed his smarting finger in his mouth to cool it before he wiped it on his pajamas. "I think Hinamori and Nanao rigged them with Kidou so you can't open them."

"Thanks for the warning." He muttered sarcastically, wondering what in the world possessed Rukia to order him to change into his pajamas so she could show him the gifts that the women gave her. Honestly, the woman had no clear priorities, this was THEIR honeymoon, damn it!

Suddenly, there was a loud and unmistakable sound of a cell phone chirping somewhere. "This better not be a freaking hollow." Muttered Ichigo darkly, as he stalked over to a chair where his discarded trousers were. He dug into the pockets quickly, as the shrill ring tone (the Chappy theme of course, what would it be after Rukia got her hands on the phone?) grated on his nerves.

Oh hell. Apocalypse has come upon earth; his idiotic father was on the other line. Ichigo was tempted, very tempted, to throw the phone out the window. However, it could be a far possibility that there was trouble and Ichigo considered certain things as an emergency, and his family was one of them. "What?" he snarled.

"Ichigo."

The serious tone cut back any protests that were coming out of his mouth. Ichigo was now all ears. "Pops? Is anything wrong? Why do you sound so far away?"

"DID YOU TWO DO IT YET?" Isshin boomed over the phone, causing Ichigo to wince in discomfort.

"DAMN YOU!" Shouted Ichigo "Quit annoying me, old man –

"Why are you taking so long? Are you sure you know what to do?"

Ichigo felt like breaking something, preferably his father's neck. "Perverted old geezer! –

"I'm your FATHER, Ichigo," bemoaned Isshin in a dejected tone. Ichigo was sure that the faker had crocodile tears streaming down his face. "All I want is for you to be happy, content, and sexually satisfied; can you blame me for wanting that for you? What father doesn't want their sons to be able to bask in the soothing afterglow of a fiery orgasm –

"When I get the chance, you are DEAD." Shouted Ichigo.

"TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" whined Isshin.

Annoyed at his father and the situation, Ichigo gripped the phone tightly in his hands. "The fact that I am here, indulging you with this pointless conversation, proves WHAT again, exactly?"

There was a pregnant pause.

"Oh." Isshin said quietly. "Sorry kid."

There were muffled noises in the background, but they were immediately silenced.

"Hey, what was that?"

"Er… nothing, I just… tripped." Isshin said, laughing gaily.

"You owe me, Isshin!" A triumphant voice called out.

Ichigo's ears twitched. That voice… "URAHARA!" he bellowed. "What the hell are you doing – hey! Is this conversation on speaker phone?"

To his mortification, he heard several people laughing out loud. What kind of terrible deed had he done before, do deserve a father like Isshin? His face was red with humiliation and anger. "Stop calling me, assholes!" he shouted into the phone, as he furiously hung up. Fuming, he paced the room, thinking about how to extract vengeance.

The phone rang again. "Listen, you sick pervert –

"Kurosaki."

Aww crap.

Why him? Ichigo desperately tried to relieve a building headache by massaging the bridge of his nose. "What is it, Byakuya?" (Ichigo could definitely hear someone snickering in the background)

"Remember that my sister is to be treated –

"Yes, I know." Ichigo gritted out, aware that the entire conversation was available for everyone he knew to listen into. The faster he can get his brother-in-law (and Ichigo shudders at this thought) off the line, the better for him and his reputation.

"If you just agreed to learn the Kuchiki Way –

"Don't you even start with the sex tips."

Suddenly, a voice piped up. "There's a Kuchiki Tradition of having sex?"

With that, the room burst into a chaotic scene resembling the carnage of the winter war.

"Didn't know –

"Is that why you have women throwing themselves at you –

"Wow, I', impressed –

"Can I learn that?"

"Which part of the 'Kuchiki Tradition' that Taicho said didn't you hear?"

At this, Ichigo smugly shut off the phone. As extra precaution, he removed the batteries and hid the mobile unit in a drawer by the nightstand.

Finally; peace and quiet. If one for a week or two, but it was worth it for Ichigo.

The door to the bathroom suite opened. "Who was on the phone?"

Ichigo just gaped at her.

"Are you… okay?" she asked hesitantly, hiding a triumphant smirk behind a mask of outward confusion.

Rukia was wearing THE peignoir.

As his wife walked towards him and started to open the boxes, Ichigo discreetly wiped the blood from his apparent nosebleed. At this vantage point, he could see the smooth skin of her spectacularly shaped legs from the discreet parting of her robe.

Damn! For a short-limbed person like Rukia, it was really surprising that she had one of the best legs he had ever seen. They were slim, well-proportioned, and silky smooth.

Ichigo had long realized that he was more turned on with killer legs than great racks. No wonder he almost had heart palpitations back in high school. Those dastardly short skirts really showed off a side of Rukia he was surprised to see. Actually, he had no problems with her wearing Yuzu's dresses anyway. For Rukia, the shorter the hemlines, the better.

Just as long as no one else saw those legs other than him.

He was still to confess that he had always been anticipating a day where their shinigami exploits would make Rukia accidentally flash her underwear. The rare times it happened, Ichigo often found himself light-headed and just itching to grab her.

"R-ru-kia…" he stuttered. "Wh-where… d-did you buy… th-that?"

"This thing? Oh, Yuzu and Karin gave them to me."

Ichigo reminded himself to buy those two gifts. He knew there was a reason why he really loved his sisters.

"Okay, so you want to see them?"

"Eh?" he asked, confused.

Rukia laughed, "The gifts Ichigo, what else?"

Hell, what gifts? There was still a lot more he wanted to see; things that Rukia's Peignoir had been maddeningly hinting at him. "Uh… sure."

Rewarding him with a flirty smile, Rukia opened the box and took out a box. "This is from Inoue."

Curious, Ichigo opened the box. Suddenly, his face flamed as if set afire. "What the hell!" he barked out in outraged surprise. "Why did Inoue give you that?" Damn, did Inoue have a grudge against him or something? First the idea for his stag party and her bridal shower; now, he gave Rukia a vibrator.

His wife just shrugged. "Who knows?" She asked innocently, "I might need one."

"WHAT?" Ichigo gritted out. "Trust me, you won't need that – ever."

"Oh, and what if I'm staying over at Sereitei then?"

"What makes you think I won't be there too?"

"It's in a NEON color, Ichigo." Rukia added sweetly, taking on her ditzy girl tone. Laughing as Ichigo made a move to grab her arm, but Rukia was faster and she avoided being caught.

"Don't you want to see Tatsuki's gift?" she asked, holding out a bag. Grinning, she handed it to her husband.

"Mind telling me why I have to do this?" Ichigo asked in irritation. His brow shot up as he encountered the many bottles of energy drinks."

Rukia laughed, "Tatsuki seems to think you need them."

"I am really going to strangle that Tatsuki when I see her next." Ichigo muttered darkly. Honestly what was it with his supposed friends? Not only were they prying into his personal business, they also go out of their way to insult him. Like hell he would need an energy drink!

"Unless you plan on just a few rounds, you'd need that." Rukia purred, "Trust me on it."

Despite being annoyed, Ichigo felt a grin spread on his face. Oh yes, he was now aware of what this minx was planning. "Well? Where are the other gifts?"

Rukia pointed at another box. "Why not try opening that? Soi Fon Taicho seems to think that you'll like those." She observed the confused look on her husband's face as he rummaged through the chest. With delight, Rukia saw Ichigo's expression change from impatient annoyance to barely restrained desire and delight.

Well, it seems he found them.

"Remind me to thank Soi Fon Taicho personally." He said in breathless wonder as he looked at the array of clothing that was in the huge chest – especially that of the schoolgirl outfit.

Rukia laughed. Maybe this was not the right time to tell him that the whole secret police knew about this gift.

"What the hell is this loli dress doing in here?"

…

…

…

In just a few minutes, Ichigo was able to uncover the extent of the 'advice' and 'assistance' that the women gave his wife. He was a bit surprised at Matsumoto's idea, but he figured that if Hitsugaya gave him handcuffs, his fukutaicho would give something similar.

Really, those two must enjoy bondage and stuff.

Ichigo told Rukia that he was willing to go through the blindfold and binding thing if she would allow herself to be handcuffed to the bedpost. Rukia just laughed and told him she'd pencil it in their schedule.

He considered asking Rukia for a massage as well as for them to use those scented oils, but she bought out the sake from Ise fukutaicho. "So, mind telling me what they guys did?" she asked as she sat beside him on the large bed.

Ichigo grimaced. There was no way he'd tell Rukia about it this evening; chances are, she'd laugh at him the whole night through. "No sake tonight." He admonished, taking the liquor from her.

"You seem to like me drunk, remember?"

"As much as I love you going wild like a college student on spring break, I don't like to have you falling asleep in just two hours."

"So, Kurosaki, this one will keep me up all night?"

Ichigo grabbed his wife's arm and pulled so that she was draped over him. "After more than three weeks of abstinence? You better be up all night, midget."

"Then you better grab a couple of bottles of that energy drink, Ichigo." Rukia said seriously, as she launched a barrage of kisses all over his face. "You know what Yoruichi told me?" She asked, kissing his cheeks and neck.

"Is this yet another worthless gift or outdated advice?" he grumbled as he tried to capture her lips in a kiss. He felt, rather than saw his wife undo the top of his pajamas.

Quickly, Rukia pushed herself off Ichigo and stood up. "No really."

Ichigo made a move to answer, but his hand tipped back a certain pink-colored bag. He wondered what was inside it, but a red-faced Rukia said while putting it aside that it was from Yachiru and it was a good and recommended addition for their breakfast for the next day.

"I give up, what is it?" Ichigo asked; it was always for the best to just agree with Rukia and get on with the program.

Wordlessly, and with a mysterious grin on her face, Rukia slid the robe off her peignoir. Ichigo gaped at surprise as the chiffon slid from his wife's smooth and fair limbs. Damn, he thought, his mouth dry, Karina and Yuzu really outdid themselves… and yeah, Yoruichi too…

Though she was still clothed, the sinfully sheer silk did nothing to hide her naked form underneath. The sight of her made Ichigo fully aware that his pajamas were becoming noticeably uncomfortable.

Rukia watched the expression on his face. It was something that was a combination of appreciation, disbelief, possessiveness, affection, and a flattering degree of lust.

Well, if the bulge in his pajama bottoms was not indication enough, the dilation of his pupils was also a dead giveaway. Oh, but she was far from finished.

Without breaking eye contact, Rukia slowly brought her hand to the ribbon in front of her nightie. Leisurely, as if she had all time in the world, she ran her index finger up and down the scrap of silk. Deliberately, she pulled at the ribbon ever so-slowly until the silk lace was completely removed. Without the straps, the front loosened considerably and the flimsy fabric slipped of her nude body.

"Damn." Ichigo said hoarsely, gulping as his wife gave an adorable pout. This was even better than the first time where they were inebriated enough to worry about inhibitions. "You want to know what I got from the guys?" he asked, grabbing her arm and pulling her towards him so they were sprawled on the bed.

"All talk, no action."

"Why you…" he murmured as he gently rolled her onto her back. Quickly, he captured her mouth for a searing kiss before he ventured lower, tracing unknown patterns down her neck and shoulders.

"Ticklish, aren't we?" Ichigo asked, amused to hear a soft giggle escape from his wife's lips.

Three weeks… three weeks of abstinence sure was hell for Ichigo. It was really unfair, as Rukia went out of her way to make him even more uncomfortable, goading him by wearing short skirts and form-fitting tops. What was worse, she always threw him loaded looks whenever they were out in public. Cold showers became mandatory for Ichigo; the minx knew just how much he was reacting to her, yet she continued to spur him on that Ichigo was often tempted to just pull her down on the table… on the chair… on the bed… and even on the damned floor.

There was no way he wouldn't be returning the favor. Tonight.

Intent on starting her own sweet torment, Ichigo settled himself between her as his hand drew languid circles across her inner thighs. Slowly, he traced a path down to her breast with his mouth, placing small, open-mouthed kisses on her heated skin. Without preamble, he captured a taut nipple in his mouth and teased it with his tongue, as his hand inched higher to the juncture between her legs – feeling her turning damp at his touch. Pleased at how easily she reacted to his touch, Ichigo continued on, needing such an intimate contact. Deftly, he inserted a finger inside Rukia, to tease the bud of her womanhood.

Arching her back, Rukia was unable to hold back a moan as she felt Ichigo touch her intimately. She felt her whole body grow taut as she felt pleasure crawl up her arms. "Ichigo…" she moaned, throwing her head back against the pillows as she felt herself arch to meet his touch the more. Her hands alternated between clutching his shoulders and clawing at his back while her hips undulated in an age-old dance that bespoke of her increasing passion and awareness of the pleasure. There was a slow fire that was growing brighter and hotter inside her as she felt Ichigo ease his finger in and out of her repeatedly, in a leisurely tempo that was maddening.

Just when she thought that it was more than what she could bear no more of the slow, wonderfully torturous motions, Ichigo gradually increased the pace while his mouth took on the same cadence as it continued its ministrations to the hardened nipple on her breast. Wordlessly, she reached up and tugged on his orange locks, pulling him closer. On instinct, she parted her legs farther and raised her knees, anticipating something more than just Ichigo's skilled finger.

"Not yet, Rukia." She heard him say tightly, as he too was feeling the strain of their lack of intimacy getting the best of their control.

"I…Ichi-go…now…" she panted, pulling on his hair to get closer to his warmth. She longed to have her mouth trace a path of kisses along his shoulders and chest, but as he was clearly preoccupied with her breasts, she settled with running her hands through his scalp.

But the damned strawberry was too stubborn. Ignoring the pointed tone grated by his wife, he moved to give the same ministrations to her other breast, capturing the other nipple in his mouth as he added another digit into her, increasing the pressure and the torment. "Oh god, Rukia." He muttered hoarsely against her breast. Thinking was the last thing that he was capable of doing right now; not when he could hear his wife's sexily husky moans and gasps ringing in his ears. "Rukia…"

"DAMN YOU, ICHIGO!" Rukia almost screeched; tugging at his hair frantically, as she felt her body quiver in pleasure. "I can't take it anymore!"

Seemingly, Ichigo was surprised to find that his brain was still able to function properly as he was able to process the frustrated tone in Rukia's voice. He chuckled, wanting to gloat or say something witty, but it was really impossible as all of the blood was rushing down south.

Rukia's eyes flew open as she felt the evidence of Ichigo's desire rest against her thigh. Hard. She ran her feet up and down Ichigo's leg. This was so she could let her hands tug at the bottom of his pajamas, dragging it down together with the boxers he wore. She let her hands skim over his bottom before she made her fingers flutter over it.

"Damn it, Rukia." He swore hoarsely, feeling his body scream at him to find his release. "Not yet!"

"Now!" she whimpered, her small hands going around his hips to find him and hold his hardened length, curling her fingers around it. "Ichigo…" she moaned throatily as she allowed her hands to run up and down his manhood.

Bracing himself on shaking arms, Ichigo positioned himself above Rukia's trembling body. "Look at me." He commanded hoarsely as he grabbed her legs and let them wrap around his waist. "Let me see your eyes." Before Rukia held his gaze, Ichigo roved his eyes over her. Taking appreciation at how flushed her face was, how swollen her lips were, seeing her skin tinged with marks. Marks that he himself made.

Rukia lifted her dazed eyes to meet his; for a split second, they were reminded of the time they first looked at each other this close when she transferred her shinigami powers to him.

As he brought his length towards the entrance of her womanhood, Rukia's arms automatically went around his middle.

Slowly, he allowed himself to sink into her velvety folds. "Damn!" he muttered, feeling her warmth close around him, filling his senses with Rukia's essence. She was so tight… Ichigo allowed a small growl to escape him, a primitive reaction of masculine appreciation.

Rukia felt her body clench in reaction. He was stretching her, opening her up, making himself one with her. Ichigo was now deep inside her, closer than ever, buried in the center of her being. He raised himself, withdrawing from her. Then, he sunk back; in the same torturously slow manner that made her feel pleasure so acutely, Rukia was fairly certain she was seeing stars.

As Ichigo did it again and again, Rukia felt her thighs tremble as a shiver raced up her spine. Her eyes focused on his, seeing the sheen of perspiration on his forehead. His brow was furrowed in concentration; eyes steely amber in determination, and his jaw clenched tightly – intent of making them burn in pleasure.

Suddenly, Rukia realized that she wanted to see him lose control – now. "Ichigo…" she moaned, pinching the skin that covered his broad shoulders.

"Not yet." Ichigo said heavily, as he felt Rukia try to pull him even closer. He was going to drive them to flames, even if it killed him. Hell, his will and discipline helped him conquer his inner hollow before… no way would he lose control now. Unfortunately, her whimpers and gasps were proving to be too much of a distraction. Rukia's cheeks and neck were flushed, her mouth parted as she panted, and a pink tongue darted out to moisten her lips. He could already hear the blood rushing in his ears. Reaching down, he let his hand move between them, rubbing at the sensitive spot between her legs.

The pleasure magnified a thousand fold, and Rukia felt her hips buckle and a low scream tear at her throat.

Against the white sheets and pillows, Rukia's ebony locks stood out as they were spread in enticing disarray. Those beautiful eyes of hers were open and they slid in and out of focus as pleasurable sensation swamped her.

Her eyes always looked more alive when they were making love.

"Ichigo." Moaned Rukia, her eyes once again losing focus at the haze of pleasure she was feeling. Ichigo had never been like this before. He used to tease, yes; but this… this was torture, a slow, steady fire that was consuming her inside out. The idiot really wanted her to beg. She was a Kuchiki, she never… wait. She wasn't a Kuchiki anymore. She was a Kurosaki now. "Ichigo, please!"

That was all Ichigo needed. He quickened the pace, relishing in the sounds his wife made in her throat. He could hear Rukia call out his name, over and over like a mantra.

"Faster!" Rukia urged as she squirmed, unable to stay still; her fingernails biting onto his shoulders while her legs pulled at his waist impatiently. "Harder!" She ordered almost incoherently, meeting his thrust with equal measure.

Suddenly, he could not hold out any longer.

Whatever sounds she was about to make was drowned as Ichigo brought his lips down to hers, muffling her cries of satisfaction as her release made her shake while her body thrummed with almost unbearable pleasure. He followed immediately, as he stiffened, then shuddered. Her name was on his lips when they came together. They were like a star that burned so hot, they had no other choice but to explode like a brilliant supernova, all heat and red fire in a burst of emotions, their bodies wracked with the intense feeling of their climax.

Ichigo felt his body slump over Rukia. Both were heaving with exhaustion.

Ichigo rolled to his side, bringing her close, with his length still in her. As she lay there nestled against his chest, he stroked her hair and placed breathless kisses on the top of her head.

"Three weeks?" Rukia croaked in disbelief. "I can't believe we went without sex for three weeks!"

"Oi," Ichigo said in reproach, "Don't go having a heart attack on me now." Though it was in jest, he was worried at the way his wife was gasping for air.

"Moron." She said snidely, but she kissed his chest in affection.

For a while, they were listening to each other's heart beating. Languidly, Ichigo allowed his hands to wander, gliding across the smooth skin of his wife. As always, he enjoyed holding her in his arms after the aftermath of their lovemaking. Having Rukia beside him made him more calm and happy. There was a slight grin on his face that he could not hold back as he pressed his cheek against the top of her head.

"What is it?" Rukia asked him quietly, but not without her usual matter-of-fact tone. It still amazed Ichigo after all these years that Rukia could understand the slight changes in his feelings. As if she was able to tap into his emotions and get him out of his shell. "Ichigo?"

"Its nothing" he started to say, but he changed his mind. "Okay, so its about everything." Admitted Ichigo. Heck, they were officially a married couple now; he was supposed to make an effort to communicate more. It wasn't that Rukia wouldn't understand what he was trying to say; but he just wanted to dispel any forthcoming rumor that they were having problems of any sort.

If his father or Byakuya were to think that… well, the consequences would be too drastic to imagine.

The woman in his arms shifted, so she could look up at his face comfortably. "Explain it to me Ichigo."

"Everything. About us, about you." Seeing confusion in Rukia's eyes, he decided to expound. "I was wondering really at how you're able to understand me better than anyone. How you were able to do that better than most people I've known my entire life. Its like, you KNEW what I needed and wanted even before I could tell you – and that freaked me out, but it's in a good way. Somehow, its funny that I don't think I'd be able to have this thing – this closeness with just about anyone other than you."

Rukia smiled indulgently. "I get that part, Ichigo. What you have to explain is what's bothering you about this."

"It got me thinking that it was only short of a miracle that we got here together, you know?" Ichigo looked intently at his wife. "Just imagine Rukia, what if I didn't break that binding spell? What if I listened to you and just stayed put while you rescued my family instead of rushing blindly, letting you get hurt? You wouldn't have the need to transfer your powers to me then."

There was a distinct yet subtle hint of fear in his voice but Ichigo decided for the first time that he didn't care. "I wouldn't have been a shinigami, and you…" he mumbled uncomfortably, "you would have been… killed off by Aizen."

"It wouldn't have happened, Ichigo." Rukia said confidently, surprising her husband. "Don't worry about such trivialities, idiot."

"How can you be sure?" he persisted, apparently upset at her nonchalance. Unconsciously, his hands tightened around her, drawing her closer to him; as if his hands could somehow shelter her from any impending threat or doom.

"Because you're YOU, Ichigo." Rukia said simply, reaching up to touch the angles of his face with tender hands and knowing fingers. He was perplexed, she could see, so she smiled. "You wouldn't JUST sit there, Ichigo. You would have found a way – you always will. If you didn't, you wouldn't be Ichigo, you wouldn't be the man I love."

Without warning, Ichigo pulled her closer to give her a searing kiss on the lips. Rukia's arms went around his automatically.

"I love you." Ichigo said heatedly against Rukia's lips. "You're mine now, as I am yours, midget."

"I love you too… moron."

"That settles it," Ichigo said finally, after he reluctantly pulled away from his wife. With no little delight, he took in the sight of her flushed face and her winsome smile. "No more abstinence for more than 3 days, you hear."

Rukia snorted inelegantly. "You pig; it doesn't matter with you, you'd still jump me. You can't get enough of me."

"You wanna bet?"

Rukia raised an eyebrow and glared at her husband. "You want put your money where your mouth is, idiot?"

Ichigo looked at his wife and gave her a decidedly perverse leer. "I want to put something else in my mouth."

Snickering, Rukia reached up to pull him down so they were face to face. "How about that energy drink from Tatsuki?" she said suggestively over his lips, her breath fanning his face.

…

In the end, it was the gifts from Mizuiro and Tatsuki that were the most appreciated that evening.

- The End.

Okay, so there's a lemon here; but it wasn't THAT graphic, since I might get into trouble with the authorities. I know it was too… tame, but well… it's my first real lemon scene. If you guys find any problem with that, PM me and let me know your thoughts.

Before anyone say that I didn't provide enough time to feature the other characters that made this fic funny, I'd just like to remind readers that this is a fic about Ichigo and Rukia… and um… sex… If you've read My Third Daughter's First Date, you'd see that I like inserting something fluffy and somewhat serious in the epilogue – which this chapter definitely is.

This brings me to the portion where I thank the readers: for those who laughed, cried, patiently waited for updates, fell off their chairs, and choked on their food and drinks while reading Sex for Dummies, my heartfelt thanks! I originally planned on writing a sequel, but I'm out of ideas as of now – so if you guys want to read something (a scene you feel that should be featured more) from this fic and its prequel, feel free to PM me and we'll see what I can do.

Meanwhile, I'm in the middle of writing an AU fanfiction about IchiRuki and I hope that you guys can watch out for it. Here's a sneak preview:

Fanfict Title: Heart's Desire

Genre: Romance, AU

Summary: In the middle of the war against the Arrancar in Hueco Mundo, Kurosaki Ichigo laid siege to the district of the noblest of all nobles. The mission: to capture and take as hostage the sister of his enemy, Kuchiki Rukia. The problem: the hostage herself.

"_**Byakurai!" **_

_**Ichigo was lucky he was able to step back before she singed his face. Kuchiki Rukia really was a force to reckon with, she was skilled enough to cast a kido without incantations. The short window of opportunity was exploited and Rukia used the moment to disable him with a kick to the gut and another kido. "Restrain!"**_

_**The orange-haired taicho grunted as he fell to his knees. Without waiting for his reaction, Rukia decided to shunpo away. But she had hardly cleared the first kilometer when she felt a hand grab her arm. **_

_**All she could do was gasp as Kurosaki Ichigo knocked her zanpaktuo from her hand with a well-placed, successive move that hit and jarred her right wrist, elbow, and shoulder. As Sode no Shirayuki hit the ground with a dull clang, Rukia's left arm was pinned behind her as she was pulled flush against the length of Ichigo's body. "Not bad; but didn't anyone tell you that I can break through restraining kido?"**_

_**Her eyes widened. How dare he manhandle her? How dare he place her in such an undignified position?**_

_**Before Ichigo could feel the need to gloat, she reared her head back and collided it painfully with the Taicho's chin.**_

"_**Bitch!" shouted Ichigo as he threw Rukia over his shoulder. "Cease!" he ordered forcefully as he held back a flailing noblewoman who was trying to scratch or bite him into letting her go. Running out of options, he decided instead to swat her bottom several times.**_

"_**Bastard!" howled Rukia, squirming from the pain to her posterior.**_

"_**Rukia-chan!" Inoue was shouting as she neared her friend. "Kurosaki Taicho, please don't hurt her!"**_

_**Ichigo held Rukia in place by her back. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Lady Kuchiki; either way, you're coming with me.**_

"_**I do not yield, Kurosaki Ichigo, I do not yield!"**_


End file.
